[potentlkeepsake]

First things first I'd like to thank everyone who reads this book in advance and just say that I like to give a background and plenty of info on the issue as to better my chances of good answers :)

Let me start by giving you a little background on my "girlfriend" and I. I say "girlfriend" because we're not technically boyfriend and girlfriend right this moment. We do everything couples do we just don't have the label. We have been dating for 2 and a half years and for the most part we do pretty damn good for being as young as we are (we're both 19). Now there has been a few times in our relationship when things just hits the fan (fights, arguing, disagreements), but most of it was just about stupid things and were resolved fairly quick.

The most recent argument was a very big one, we ended up ending the whole thing for what we thought was for good. We went our own ways and I ended up joining the Marines. We were still pretty close when I left but nothing was the same. Well, as it turned out I got dropped from boot camp about a month into it due to medical problems and I was to be shipped home. The whole time I was gone I missed her so much and when I got home we hit it off from the bat.

I thought things were going to be different now that we had had some time apart and boy was I right. Turns out she boned 3 guys while I was gone, one of which was a guy whom she had cheated on me in the past with. She claims all of them were one night stands and that she was just trying to get the fact that I was going to be gone for a long time off her mind. Now on one hand I kind of understood. My contract was for 8 years so I really didn't expect to see her for a while, I knew about vacations and days off but I didn't know if I could handle a relationship like that. I don't know. So I kind of forgave her on that part because my plan was to bone as many girls in Cali as I could to get her off my mind haha. Anyway, on the other hand it really hurt to think she couldn't even wait a while. Another of the guys I found out she boned a few days before I got home. She knew exactly what day I was going to be home on so that was kind of messed up to.

Now I'm no saint myself. In fact just a few weeks ago her, her cousin and I all went to a new year's party and got completely smashed as expected. Well when we got home I thought every one had passed out so I decided to go use the bathroom. Well I hear a knock on the door so I open it expecting it to be my "girlfriend" but to my surprise it was her cousin. Not doing what I should have I stayed in there for some reason. Being drunk we ended up having sex right there in the bathroom. Now in no way am I using being drunk as an excuse. I clearly know what I have done and it was wrong. Thing is there is no way she can find out. I'll probably die.

Anyway my main reason for this post is that dreaded thing called jealousy... I realize it happens to everyone at one point or another but it seems to be eating away at our relationship. We both are experiencing this issue but I haven't any idea as to how I can solve this problem. We're trying to patch things up now and make things work but we need to get past this jealousy problem. Let me explain.

Well seeing as we've been single since I got back 2 months ago she decided to go have sex with some one. Now the interesting part, let me tell you a little bit about this guy because yes... I know him. He, to me, looks like a complete tool. Anyway she introduced me to him quite a while ago because his family is her family's friends or some crap like that. After a while she told me that he liked her but there was no way she would ever do anything with him because she's know him too long or something like that. Well then she decides that one day she'll have sex with him... I don't know why but whatever. Now not only do I have a problem with him because he's touched my girl, I have a trust issue with her. The worst part is, is that she still goes over there. And its not like she goes there at 3 in the afternoon, she goes there at 3am after we get into a fight. And her reason? To get some space from me. Now she swears up and down that what happened with him will never happen again, but how can I know? I hate it when she goes over there and it destroys me every time (especially when she stays the night!). She says that when she goes over there they just talk and she just tries to cool down and then comes home.

Q: How the can I get over the fact that they had sex and she basically cheated on me when she keeps going over there?

Q: What can I say or do to get her to stop going over there and what can she do to help with her problems when she's upset at me rather than going over there?

Q: How could I find out if she actually is still doing things with this guy? (I really want to believe her when she says she isn't but... )

That's my jealousy issue. Her's is that every time I talk to ANY girl she freaks out. I met a few girls since I've been home and have even had those bad thoughts and intentions about a few of them, but she doesn't know that. All she knows is that I talk to them. Two of them I found out liked me for a quick stint and I told her. When she freaked out I decided I'd end the problem there and just never talk to them again because honestly they weren't that important and I love her not them. She knows I love her more than anyone and that I would do anything for her, so why would I want to ruin anything we have now especially when we're trying to patch things up?

Q: Is she having a guilty conscious and thinking that I'll do what she would if she was in my shoes?

Q: Is she having a guilty conscious and thinking I actually am having sex with these girls because she is with this guy?

So basically it boils down to one more question:

How can we both get over these jealous feelings and fix our relationship?

Because I know I want to fix things and she says she does too. Just within the past few days we've been doing good and are working on it but I just don't know how to get past all the jealousy. Pleassssse help us. Any and all input will be greatly appreciated.

[liz28]

First, the two of you need to realize that when your had sex with other people your was not together so it isn't cheating. Your were free to do whatever and who ever your wanted.

Secondly, your both hurted each other with who your deciding to have sexual relationship with while the two of you was apart. Having sex with the cousin would've been something I couldn't forget.

Thirdly, if your going to try to be together and start fresh then do just that and let the past stay in the past. I bet when your get into agruement you two bring out the skeltons in the past by throwing each other wrong or dirt in one another face, that's no good. Once your decided to get back together your should've buried the past. It's not too late. The two of you should write down what weights on your mind with each other and after talking about it put the paper in a box and burn it or throw it in the gargage and never bring it up again.

Also, communication is not being done in a healthy civil matter. Her running to this guy after a fight is doing more harm then good. Your have to learn when and how to talk to one another otherwise this relationship won't last. Don't talk each other when your're mad at each other, cool down and talk only when your ar capable of talking in a civil open matter and not shouting at each other. When you shout no one listens and it is useless.

I not sure if this relationship can last because many things are lacking. Can it be fix, maybe but it's going take the two of you to do so. If your can't work things out then it won't happen and then your need to cut your loses and move on. Drama, non-communication, not being able to trust each other will run this relationship to the ground because you need these things, except the drama, in order for this relationship to last.

I have a question for you. What do you mean when you say that she isn't your girlfriend, your just do couple things? Then you say the two of you was dating. I was a little confuse why those statements.

[potentlkeepsake]

What I mean is that we've dated for 2 and a half years but for the past 2 or three months we've been single. And when I said we do couple things I mean just that. We kiss, hold each other, have sex (both romantic and not haha), and say I Love You to each other. We just don't have the title "gf" or "bf".

[liz28]

Well since the two of you isn't in a committed relationship then your are free to do whatever your want. This includes dating, having sex with other people, etc It doesn't matter if you are doing couple things because in reality your aren't a couple.

Also, I think the two of you are complicated things because since sex is in the mix someone is bound to caught feelings and might want more while the other person doesn't. Someone might be setting themselve up for an emotional roller coaster ride.

[potentlkeepsake]

I understand your point. The thing is we both want to make this work. I was just wondering as to how we could go about getting over all the jealous feelings. We both know we have them and we both agree that we need to do something about them.

[talaniman]

I was going to give you a long detailed opinion, but after rereading this thing, that's not going to be needed, as your solution is simple.

Your both fooling each other, and are attached for all the wrong reasons, and other than the physical, have no bond between you to stabilize this... whatever you call it... and neither of you knows how to let go, and stop the physical to see if there really is something between you.

Stop having sex, and making out, and talk, and if you can't work together in actions, not just words, then leave each other alone, and deal with your own issues.

This relationship is not healthy for either of you.

Sorry.

[talaniman]

The long version.

Q: How the can I get over the fact that they had sex and she basically cheated on me when she keeps going over there?
You can't until she stops going over there.
Q: What can I say or do to get her to stop going over there and what can she do to help with her problems when she's upset at me rather than going over there?
Nothing you can do but break up next time she does it.
Q: How could I find out if she actually is still doing things with this guy? (I really want to believe her when she says she isn't but... )
Until she stops doing it, your always going to wonder.
That's my jealousy issue.
Thats also a trust issue here pal and you don't trust her any more, nor should you.

Q: Is she having a guilty conscious and thinking that I'll do what she would if she was in my shoes?
Could be, but its not fair to expect your behavior to change and not hers, right?
Q: Is she having a guilty conscious and thinking I actually am having sex with these girls because she is with this guy?
Oh, Geez, you two kids are just playing at being in love, it more like lust and your both playing these silly games instead of dealing with this in a mature way..........leaving each other alone!!!!!

Sorry guy, but if your going to play these games with each other, don't complain when it bites you in the butt. Or her butt, or both of you.

There is nothing to fix, until you both grow up. So stop playing games with each other.

[potentlkeepsake]

So basically your saying stop the physical stuff and concentrate on the more emotional kinds of things. Communicate. Idk... I'm sure I know what I can do to fix things or at least get them started but like they say, it takes two to tango and I'm not sure if she actually wants to try anymore. Thank you all for you input on this pathetic issue.

[talaniman]

Actions speak louder than words.