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Giseledias · Jan 13, 2009, 12:47 AM

I am 29 years of age and quite attractive as well. I belong to a well to do family.My parents want me to marry this guy who is reasonably well settled and stuff. He is good looking too but has really poor communication skills.This is a total turn off for me as I give a lot of importance to communication. I some how don't see myself getting attracted to him because of this but my parents have sort of finalised on him . I belong to a super conservative family which wants me to get into an arranged marriage only. Will this arrangement work or will remain a compromise ? My folks think, all will fall in place eventually and that I shouldn't be so fussy. I don't know what to do as there aren't many single / well settled guys out there belonging to my age group. Advise

Clough · Jan 13, 2009, 01:36 AM

Hi, Giseledias!

It would be helpful to those of us who come along to address your question if you would let us know if this is happening because of some religious and/or cultural thing because of where you're located, and if so, what that might be, please?

Thanks!

juhi2011 · Jan 13, 2009, 01:54 AM

I can understand your situation quite well, since I myself belong to such kind of a family. What I can suggest you is the things are just towards finalisation and not finalised yet. Though you belong to a conservative family you can once try to oppose it. But keep in mind that you may not find such a well settled match in future (as you said), so priortise your needs. With what can you compromise more? Settlement or communication? Don't go for the thing for which your heart says ' no, I cannot compromise with this in any way'. Hope the advice works well for you!

Giseledias · Jan 13, 2009, 03:22 AM

Yes you are right. It is because of religious reasons. Also my age is another factor. It becomes extremely difficult in our community for a girl to get a decent match once the marriageble age has been crossed. The whole problem is that I don't feel the connection at all with this guy . But due to family pressures if I get into this thing will this eventually work out I wonder. Also in the past I had liked someone but he treated me insensitively. He never really understood my feelings, just kept manipulating things, never thought from the heart, he always wanted to go his own way. In the process I only became more and more hurt. Though I am a very emotional and sensitive person I didn't want to show him my vulnerable side. I kept putting up this strong self ( you could call it the girl ego thing because of which I didn't fall victim to these mind games that he kept playing. ) but my people at home have seen me breaking. Because of all this they are all the more concerned and want me to marry someone from the same community as ours ( someone who's family background etc is known ) and settle down happily. I don't know what to do. All I know is that this guy is not the smart types that I would go for and that we don't click. Sometime I feel that if I say no to this one, I might not really get something better at all.

juhi2011 · Jan 13, 2009, 03:47 AM

Certainly, at this point your age is a very big factor, and since you have been engaged with someone in the past better than the present (in terms of smartness), so you will find problem in getting settled…I guess with anyone you engage with. So better settle your life now, if he has got a good heart you'll definitely start liking him soon (as it happens in our culture). Moreover, marrige is not about getting 100%, even if your 70% priorities are satisfied you should start looking positively towards the coming relationship. Ok. Are you satisfied with the answer?

Giseledias · Jan 13, 2009, 04:00 AM

Ya Juhi, you really make sense logically. But emotionally I continue to be disturbed as I feel I deserve better but am having to compromise because of my age.

450donn · Jan 13, 2009, 07:28 AM

Long after the sex has ended there is only communication left.

lisa1122tx · Jan 15, 2009, 01:00 AM

"Long after the sex has ended there is only communication left."

Very well put and I agree with donn. However, I know nothing of your culture.

Big T · Jan 25, 2009, 09:22 PM

When you truly love someone... you can look into a sea of faces and only ever notice one! When you have this kind on love everything else falls into place. To be able to openly share your love, fears, goal, and desires can only happen between too persons that respect each other and are committed to one another. Try to work on the communcation end of things. It is better to continue to choose wisely... not to settle because of your perception age has on your ability to be happy.