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talaniman · Dec 11, 2008, 07:44 AM

Aw, you miss him... thats so normal. Makes me want to go kiss my wife.

Mom of 2 · Dec 11, 2008, 10:53 AM

Yes, go give her a big kiss!! I wish I could kiss him right now.

Mom of 2 · Jan 3, 2009, 01:20 AM

Christmas went VERY well. We exchanged gifts the Sunday before Christmas, since we had our own plans for Christmas with our own families. Prior to this, he asked me if I had my kids on Christmas, so I think that was his way of seeing if I was able to be with him on Christmas. He has been asking a lot about my kids lately, so I think that it is only a matter of time before our kids will be meeting. I am anticipating the summer, but only time will tell. I have a feeling that because our kids have not met and I had my kids on Christmas that was why he did not ask me to join him on Christmas. That's okay, as I don't want to rush that issue at the moment.

He gave me a Christmas card that read "Although this wish may be for Christmas, the love that it brings is forever". He did not sign it with Love, C, but maybe this was a baby step toward bringing the subject up. What do you think? I don't know why I am so scared about saying those three little words, as I truly feel that I do love him. I think that it is because of my divorce and the fact that I thought/was in love before and look what happened. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has felt that way. I am just unsure and scared of being hurt again. Then again, he would not have bought the card with that word in it if he did not in some way at least started to feel it. Am I reading too much into it?

On New Year's Day, I went over to his house. He has been fighting a cold for the past week or so and was just very tired. So, all we did was watch the Blackhawks/Redwings game on TV (we both enjoy sports), grabbed something to eat and then watched some more TV. I fell asleep in his arms and then left for home. Pretty uneventful. I would like to do more things than just watch TV at his house all of the time, but I knew that he was tired and just not in the mood to do much of anything. It is more important to be with him than to HAVE to do SOMETHING, but part of me is getting kind of bored with that. It's not like I want to swing from chandeliers - at least not with my knee still in recovery!! Also, it is winter and it is hard to do much of anything other than stay in doors. I think the other thing is the fact that when I go over to his house, his kids are home so we cannot be "totally alone", if you know what I mean. It's been almost 2 months now since we have been able to do that. Maybe I'm afraid of our relationship becoming stagnant. It's been awhile since we have gone OUT to do anything. My girlfriend wants the four of us (C and I, and her and C's brother) to do something on Sunday, so I know that all is not lost. I know that he feels bad about leaving his son alone, and part of me feels bad that his son would be left alone, but we still need to be alone sometimes. I don't want his son to resent me in any way, but I also don't want to start resenting the fact that he may be using the fact that his son is alone at home and that is why we are not doing anything more lately.

Okay, I think that I am rambling, which is a pretty good indication that I am starting to get tired. Just let me know what you think about what I am feeling. I think that I am pretty normal about what I am feeling, but it is always good to get someone else's perspective on it.

talaniman · Jan 3, 2009, 07:41 AM

Omigosh, Mom are you getting horny?? Stay out of chandeliers as this is for the younger crowd(?) and you could get hurt again, hmmmmmm how did you hurt that knee again, honestly??

Most youngsters don't really understand how life gets in the way of fun and intimacy sometimes and your feelings are quit normal.

Mom of 2 · Jan 3, 2009, 02:08 PM

To answer your question, I hurt my knee at work when I slipped on ice by the ice machine when I was leaving. I broke my knee cap and had to have pins and wires put in to put it back together. But, nothing keeps me down for too long!!

In regard to being horny, well, yes I am. However, I just love spending time with him, even if it is just sitting on the couch. At least we are together and cuddling. But of course he is a little apprehensive about kissing because he never knows when his son will walk in. That is more of what I am talking about. Hey, I can totally understand that and that is why I would like to be alone with him so that we don't have to worry about "getting caught", you know what I mean?

But, I will take the spending time with him even if his kids are around rather than not being able to spend anytime with him. What I would really like to do is to go on a weekend trip with him sometime so that we don't have to worry about anyone else, schedules, etc. We've talked about it but our schedules makes it hard for us. If this is meant to be, then there will be time for all of that later. So, I will continue to remain patient and just feel blessed that I have this special man in my life.

Chery · Jan 3, 2009, 09:30 PM

Honey, you bring joy to my heart. I've been under the weather lately and also busy with my family over the holidays and getting ready for my brother's visit. He is coming to see me from Las Vegas in less than two weeks and I'm just so excited.

I have not been on this site as much as I would like lately, but when I read a thread like this one, it warms my heart.

You are a very special lady and I am proud of the way you've advanced in this relationship. With the insecurities of jobs, everyone's future in general, and all the bad news from the media, life today is hard enough when you are alone and raising children without a special person to be able to share some 'hug' time with.

I really feel good about this and think you two will go far in bonding the circle - even with the children and that is important in making this complete - and my gut feeling tells me that you are heading there in due time.

Even though I have been busy and will continue to be for a while, I still think about you and wish you all the best.

Sending you special vibes and lots of hugs,

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Keep on doing what you're doing with patience and warmth, and you'll be rewarded. You deserve it!

Mom of 2 · Jan 5, 2009, 09:00 PM

Thanks to all for all of the encouragement that I have been getting from you. It definitely helps!!

C came over yesterday at 3 and we hung out for a little while at my place until it was time to meet his brother and my friend for dinner at the restaurant. We had a good time. We then went back to my place and started to watch a movie. We finally had some alone time. I had to make the first move, as he seemed to be just content in holding me on the couch. Maybe that was what he was waiting for. Later in the night, I finally turned to him and said, "I want to say something to you." His eyes were closed and then he opened them and looked at me and asked, "What is that?" I took a small breath and said, "I love you." He made a sound similar to "Uuuhhhmm" (can't seem to spell it right) and then a slight giggle similar to "huhuh". He then gave me a squeeze and closed his eyes with a smile on his face. There was silence after that, but he continued to hold me close. After about 10 minutes like that, he asked me, "Honey, what time is it?" I told him that it was 10:15, which is right about the time that he would normally say that he had to go. I kind of became sad because I knew that it was time for him to go. I flicked on the hall light for him to see better and discovered that the light bulb went out (this was a different hall light from the one that I wrote about a while ago). Normally I don't cuss, but I did at this point. I think I was a little bit frustrated over the fact that he did not respond in the way that I had hoped he would when I said those three little words, and now I had to change the f*****g lightbulb. All he said was, "Sweetie, go and get me a lightbulb and I'll change it for you." When he said that, I could not help but remember Tal's comment about the fact that men usually like to do things instead of say things. That put a smile on my face as I went to get the lightbulbs.

After he changed them, I walked him to the door, we gave each other a kiss and a great big hug. He told me that he would call me later, which has meant the next day in the past. I never made any further comments on his reaction and figured I never would. I felt that the time was right for me to state my feelings and now at least it is out there.

I immediately called one of my friends, who told me that this was typical for a guy and not to read too much into it. She reminded me that he did not bolt out the door, did not sit up shocked and he continued to hold me close.

About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with her (about 40 minutes after he left), he called me to let me know that he got home safe, which is something that he has never done before. Let me correct that, he did call me once before, but that was because I specifically asked him to because when he was leaving, it was snowing really bad and I told him that I would not be able to fall asleep unless I knew that he got home safe. But other than that ONE time, he has never done this.

After thinking about it all day today, I have decided that I will not tell him that I love him again until/unless he says it to me. For one thing, I told him I loved him and now he knows I do. Second, I don't want to make him more uncomfortable and in some way force him to say something that he either does not feel yet, or is too uncomfortable to say at this time. Third, if/when he says it, I want him to say it because he means it, not just to say it because he thinks he has to. I know that when I said it, I meant it and I want it to be the same for him.

In no way do I regret saying it. However, I would be lying if I said that his lack of a response that included words did not make me sad in a way. I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I already said it for the first time. It is always hardest to do something for the first time. I will just continue to show him that I love him and when he is ready to say those words to me, I know that he will mean them.

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 09:44 PM

It's true. Men are more about action than words, especially when it's a person they care about. If after hearing the three magic works he was this good to you, then no, you shouldn't look into it too much. There could be many reasons he didn't reply --only he knows why-- but his actions say he cares about you very much. Don't say the word again, it will be his turn now. If the words take time to come, just go by his actions towards you until they do.

Mom of 2 · Jan 6, 2009, 12:08 AM

I was hoping that I was thinking and doing the right things.

He did not call tonight, but that really did not surprise me. I'm sure that he expects that I would bring the subject of what I said last night up and he just wanted to lay low. Then again, I really don't know what he is thinking/saying to himself. Like I said before, and like the advice that I received, I will not say it again, and I will not bring up the subject at all. If he wants to say it, he will say it. I will just continue with "business as usual". The subject will only come up if HE wants to bring it up. I said what I had to say and I certainly don't regret it. The ball is in his court.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2009, 11:14 AM

Geeez Mom, he did say he loves you!! A grunt, and a smile means "I love you too!":rolleyes: Darn females, they never pay attention to what they are supposed too!! Make it so bad, he changed your light bulb too?? :eek: There it is you just weren't listening, I mean what's a guy supposed to do?? Take out the garbage, and do windows too?? :confused:

The lady doth protest too much! :cool:

I enjoyed that so much!

Mom of 2 · Jan 6, 2009, 11:28 AM

Hey, Tal, yes I was listening!! Remember what I wrote about when I went downstairs to get the lightbulb? I was thinking about what you mentioned about guys doing things to show that they love someone. I actually smiled while walking down the stairs when I remembered this. So, maybe he won't vocalize it for a while, oh well. I know that he cares otherwise he would have bolted out the door and sat up in shocked silence.

Like I said in the past, I am using this thread as a way of getting my thoughts out there for therapy and insight for me, as well as a way to hopefully help someone else out there who may be experiencing the same things as I am. Males and females have different perspectives and different ways of showing and telling the other person how they feel. This thread has really helped me to understand these differences. I hope that it also helps someone else in the process.

Chery · Jan 6, 2009, 12:15 PM

In no way do I regret saying it. However, I would be lying if I said that his lack of a response that included words did not make me sad in a way. I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I already said it for the first time. It is always hardest to do something for the first time. I will just continue to show him that I love him and when he is ready to say those words to me, I know that he will mean them.

This is normal for any couple. They think about it at the same time, but generally expect the other to say those three little words first, and naturally all think that they should not reply right away with the same because it might come across as not sincere. Just wait, the ball is in his court, and you should not dwell on this. You said what you felt and that makes things easier for you and you can be more relaxed.

The best thing to do is to enjoy the quality time with him and also with the rest of your families when possible as this also builds the bond. By the time you turn around, your relationship and it's progress will be unstoppable - and you both will have the support from your children. Remember nothing is totally perfect, but it sure can get close.

Continued best wishes in this for you dear and keep us posted.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2009, 01:06 PM

Mom of 2 agrees: Yes, but you forgot to say clean the toilets and do the laundry. How about feed the cat and cook dinner, too!!!

YES DEAR!!! Now those are the words you should cherish with all your heart!:eek:

hardrockfanatic · Jan 6, 2009, 02:19 PM

It is very normal with you are feeling. I have been through this situation and to be honest it doesn't have an easy answer. The question is how truly serious are you about this man? If you are thinking in terms of marriage, etc then the time is right for the kids to be around each other. However, I want you to consider a few things. What role does each of your ex's play? Are they in the picture in a big time way, a little, or not at all. How will you two deal with that? Second, in the way they are raised. To be honest, my last relationship came to an end mainly because we had two different philosophies on raising children. She did not have custody of her kids so when they came for a visit, she was afraid to be a parent and told them yes to everything. She was more into being a friend than a parent. I believe you want to have a good relationship with your child and you want them to be able to talk to you about anything, etc but parents are not their child's "friend". You don't discipline your friends. In the end, because our children were raised differently it did not work. It is interesting but some women actually have a problem dating single men with children, I don't get it.

Good luck!

Mom of 2 · Jan 6, 2009, 02:46 PM

We actually have a similar parenting style, so that is not really the issue. I have primary custody of my kids and he has primary custody of his kids, so sometimes this causes us not to be able to see a lot of each other. However, this has forced us to have more phone conversations, which I wouldn't trade for the world. Why is that? Well, it has forced us to TALK to each other and get to know each other that way. In the few so called dating situations that I had after my divorce, I felt that the guys had trouble with the fact that I was with my kids a lot and I did not have a lot of free time to date. Therefore, the relationships fizzled, if you could even call them true relationships. So the fact that my guy has a very similar schedule to me makes it very nice. We both understand our commitment to our kids and it makes us understand each other and appreciate the time that we do have together.

Like I said, I know his kids and he knows mine. We just have to introduce our kids to each other. I have a feeling that this will take place this summer. He has an inground swimming pool in his backyard and he had mentioned that this might be a good way for the kids to meet and allow them to be involved in having fun while getting to know each other, etc. However, we will need to wait until the summer, which in the grand scheme of things will be here before we know it.

I'm not in a rush, so I am just going to remain patient and when it happens it will happen. In the meantime, I'm going with the flow. His kids are becoming more comfortable with me, as I am becoming more comfortable with them in that I am not nervous about what to talk about, etc. One step at a time.

I'm also not in a rush because I personally don't want to get married for a long while, if in fact that is where this is going. I can definitely see a future with C and I often dream of spending the rest of my life with him. However, I don't want to uproot either one of our kids from their school surroundings. That means that nothing will be happening for another 6 years at the earliest. That is just fine with me. Again, I don't know what the future holds, but I would say that it continues to grow more serious with each passing month.

Mom of 2 · Jan 6, 2009, 11:04 PM

I forgot to add the fact that C's ex is almost non-existent in their childrens' lives. She takes them from time to time, but NEVER for more than 24 hours. It is really sad because I really feel that she is missing out on so much and she will only regret it later when it is too late. My ex on the other hand keeps a tally for EVERYTHING. Everything has to be equal. Although I have the kids 60% of the time, if I have them for an extra 2 hours one day for a party, I need to make that 2 hours up to him. It is really ridiculous. However, I'm not going to stress over it and I just accept it. At least I can say that I don't have to worry about him not following through on visitation because I swear that he has the divorce decree laminated in his wallet.

At any rate, my boyfriend thinks that my ex is a total arse (which he is), but he understands that he is an ex for a reason and he does not judge me for any of that. He just feels sorry that my kids have to deal with the crud that they have to deal with regarding him. I simply just laugh it off.

So, although our exes can try to make our lives difficult, my boyfriend and I just laugh over the situations that we have to deal with regarding them, thank God that we don't have to deal with them on a daily basis anymore and feel blessed that we have each other in our lives. Ultimately, it is up to C and I to determine how much we want to allow our exes to impact our current lives. We may bring up the subject of "Get this..." end of discussion and laugh. Giving it more than that is giving our exes too much power over us. Again, they are exes for a reason.

Mom of 2 · Jan 7, 2009, 10:45 PM

Okay, I am probably over thinking this, but I wanted to at least get my thoughts and feelings out there. At work today, I talked about how I told my boyfriend that I loved him after our date on Sunday and how he responded to it. I had some interesting responses from my co-workers. I spoke with mostly guys, but there were some females.

One of the girls that I talked to said that since he was so hurt by his ex wife, he probably is very hesitant to say those words, but maybe he is feeling the same way but just can't say them.

One of the guys that I talked to said that you can be dating a guy for 1, 2 or more years and he may still not be love the person that he is with. I say that is crazy. I mean, if you are with a person for that period (I know, in a lifetime that is only a drop in the bucket) you MUST have strong feelings for that person, right? Then again, this guy is still in his early 20s, so what does he know (I guess).

The second guy who was present said that he told his wife that he loved her after only knowing her 9 days. I don't think that this is normal either, but whatever. At any rate, both of the guys said that I should not pressure him into saying I love you and that he will say it when he is ready. They both said that the most important thing is that he still treated me well afterwards and that it is the actions that speak louder than words. Again, that is what the guys on this thread have been saying all along and that makes total sense to me.

However, the thing that sits way back in my head and the thought that I cannot get rid of is the comment by the young guy who said that it is possible to be with someone for years and not be in love with them. Now I'm worried that maybe my boyfriend does not love me and that he never will. Yes, Tal. There goes my mind again.

Here is the suggestion that one of the guys said that I should do. He mentioned that "You have to talk about the elephant in the room". I have heard this saying once before, but never understood the meaning. It was explained to me that now there will be an uncomfortableness between us and that I should just come out and say what is on my mind regarding the situation.

So, with that said, here are my thoughts:

When I said that I loved him, I meant it. It was not just because we were just intimate, it's because I have been wanting to say it for a while. Following are the reasons that I love him: I love being with him, talking to him, doing things with him, holding his hand, smiling with him, laughing with him, snuggling with him. I love how he looks at me, thinks about me and does things for me and of course when he holds me and caresses my hand. I love him for the considerate person that he is, how he always seems to order exactly what I ordered and his other quirky traits. I love how he is such a good dad to his kids and how he treats my kids and the rest of my family when he is around them. I love how he helps people in need and always seems to do the morally right thing. The most important reason is BECAUSE I DO.

Here is what I would like to tell him:

"I sense a little bit of uneasiness after what I said on Sunday night. I just wanted to let you know that I said what I said because I meant it. However, I am aware that maybe this made you feel a little uncomfortable and that was not my intent. I knew that when I said it there was a possibility that you would not respond in the same way. And I want to let you know that I am okay with that. You now know how I feel and I don't want you to feel forced to say it if you do not mean it. In fact, I don't want to hear those words unless you 100% mean them."

OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything? Come on guys, help me out!! I don't want what I said on Sunday to negatively effect our relationship in any way. I also don't want to create any further tension and problems because of my uneasiness and need to know how he feels. I want to express to him in some way that I don't want him to feel pressure about what I said and that my feelings are still the same no matter what.

ordinaryguy · Jan 8, 2009, 06:12 AM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

Okay, I am probably over thinking this

Probably so.

OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything?

That would be my advice.

talaniman · Jan 8, 2009, 09:03 AM

Mom, we all have to acknowledge our feelings the best way we know how. So relax, and just enjoy getting more familiar with him, and his ways, and basically enjoy yourself while the process works the way it will. Its about how you deal with things, and your attitude about it. Life is 99% attitude and maybe 1 % whats going on, so always know how you feel, just don't expect others to react as you want, or need. Thats keeping it real.

You are still in learning phase, and high expectations, assuming, and presuming, will be your enemy as you work together to build a basis for honest communications, and expressions.

Try not to get stuck on to much thinking, or processing every little thing for its meaning. ( getting carried away by feelings and overlooking fact! ) Stepping back from the relationship, will keep you focused, and balanced, as you deal with your feelings on a daily basis.

Yes Mom, there are other things in your life that you shouldn't ignore, while your missing Dude. I know your high energy, always thinking, but take a break from the brain, sometimes and RELAX.

Too much thinking is as bad as not enough, so balance!!!

OR should I just keep my gob shut and not say anything?

Great plan.

Mom of 2 · Jan 8, 2009, 01:46 PM

Thanks for the advice. That was what my original plan was to do before my co-workers made the suggestion of bringing the subject up for discussion again.

You guys have never steered me wrong!!