[cjs48]

I've been married to a wonderful man for 23 years. We always did everything together, because that is what we both wanted. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. I am not just saying that. Our friends would always say things like, I hope I can find a love like you guys have, you guys are great together, I want that someday.

About 3 years ago I noticed little things changing. He started talking about his age, bought a motorcycle, started hanging out with his guy friends more, Started going to old high school football games, looking up old friends from school and the big thing was he stopped asking me to go along. He said he just wanted some alone time. Well, you have to understand due to our first marriages that were abusive for both of us; we always wanted to do everything together because we never had that before. So I started looking up all these symptoms and sure enough it all pointed to Mid Life Crisis.

He kept getting more and more distant. The little things stopped like holding hands, kisses for no reason, playing with my hair, asking me to sit with him on the couch when we are watching TV, looking into my eyes and saying I love you, and all the other things he use to say. The one that hurt the most was the lack of making love, not just sex. I asked him about it and he would say, " we have been married long enough you should know I love you. I shouldn't have to say it all the time. I don't require those little things anymore to know you love me so I guess I just don't think about you needing them."

Well' of course that hurt, but I thought OK I can live with this. Then he started saying things like "I'm just not happy. I think I'm going to move out." He kept saying that for months, finally I said stop threatening me and just do it if you’re going to. On Sept 7th 2008 he moved out. This is going to sound funny, but he moved in with his mother. His father passed away a few years ago and she is alone. She would call me and say he comes home right after work, so she don't think it is another woman. That is the way it was at home. I pretty much knew where he was most of the time. He always says he just wants to be alone, he don't want to be responsible for making anyone happy other than himself.

We are back in the same house due to other events in our life, but we are getting a dissolusionment. I do not want it, but that is the only way I knew of to get what I needed to survive on my own. We keep putting it off due to me having a hard time trying to find individual health coverage. I just keep hoping that every time we put it off he will come to his senses and realize the mistake he is making.

I have let him read everything I could find on MLC, but he refuses to believe it. He just keeps telling me that he feels like he doesn't love me the way a husband should or he would be giving me the little things I need. That this is just the person he has become at his age.

I believe with all my heart and soul god brought us together. You will think this is silly, but it is true. One day I sat down and wrote a legal pad full of things I wanted in a man, even what I wanted him to look like and I prayed to god that he would send me this man. I promise you he fit everything on my list.

Now knowing all of this, my question is how do I move on?
I’m not going to ask how to stop loving him, because that will never happen.

[sylvan_1998]

I am so sorry. I can offer no advice. If he is not willing to look into himself to find what may be making him feel this way, then he may have to leave to find out that the grass is greener on the other side because it is covered in manure.

Again I am so sorry. My heart aches for you.

[Kerry B]

Sounds like this situation is causing you a lot of pain and I completely understand that you want to move on. Moving on it really hard, the only way I could do it when me and my husband split up was to completely break contact for a year. I know this is not always possible, especially if you have kids or other commitments together but in my case I found the year really helpful.

Both he and I were able to have space to see what we wanted, neither of us got disillusioned because we were not around each other and not giving off mixed signals. I know it might be one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, but I would recommend getting your independence as soon as possible. Otherwise you are living with a man that you love and you want things to work out and it is like trying to heal but ripping the bandage off every day.

It is sad that after so long he will not look at what's going on and try and resolve it, but it sounds like he has made his mind up. MLC or not, there is nothing much that can be done if the other person is not willing to put the effort in. Be strong, move on and things will get better.

I wish you all the best and am so sorry that I could not give more positive advice, you deserve better I think. X

[cjs48]

Thank you so much. It is comforting just to know that there are people that have gone through this and are willing to share their stories. It helps a lot.

I just got a call last night from family. They told me that I was "letting him crap on me". I guess they feel this way because I am trying to do what's right and not fight about it due to our kids. I don't want them anymore hurt then they already are. They know I have tried everything and that it is really up to him now.

Thank you again for your kind words.