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nkacee55 · Jan 4, 2009, 07:14 AM

I have been married to the same man for 35 years. Over the years he has had several affairs, the last one being with a so called friend of mine. About two years ago I met a man whom I've fallen in love with. We haven't had an affair yet, but probably will. I can't seem to work up the courage to leave my husband. What's wrong with me?

skydive4life · Jan 4, 2009, 07:18 AM

Nothing is wrong with you. You arnt the one who has been having affairs. That's not fair to you for your husband to do that. I think you should take a step back and really think about what you want and then go with what you decide.. if you decide to stay with you husband then don't see this other man anymore.. if you want ot be with this other man divorce your husband before hand so you don't stoop to his level

DoulaLC · Jan 4, 2009, 08:23 AM

Yes, either recommit to your husband and making your marriage better, or end it before you get anymore involved with this other man. Ideally it wouldn't have gotten to this stage in the first place, but you can't turn back time.
Maybe consider speaking with a counselor as well if you are unsure what direction you want to take. Sort it out fully before making any permanent changes. For example, if you left your husband, do you know for sure you would end up with this other man? How would you feel if you didn't and your marriage has ended?
On the flip side, is your husband trying to make ammends for his past affairs? Have the two of you been giving your best effort to making your marriage strong and sound?

N0help4u · Jan 4, 2009, 10:29 AM

If your husband has quit cheating and is honestly trying to make it work you should stick with him. If you don't feel the marriage is where it needs to be or even headed in that direction you probably should leave and get on with your life. It isn't fair to make this other guy wait hoping you might someday leave for him.

You can't work up the courage because we are creatures of habit and fear change.

ja77 · Jan 4, 2009, 10:36 AM

I guess you maybe holding onto the years of being together and a force of habit that's why you have stopped with your husband and are unsure with what to do.

If you want to be with this other person and feel that there is nothing left in your marriage then you need to leave your husband and get straight on your own before you get into another relationship.

The option if you want to stay together is maybe looking into marriage counseling.

Do you think that you maybe feeling this way because he has done it in the past ?

We haven't had an affair yet, but probably will

I would take the probably away and not make any moves until you have left your husband. Just because he has done this in the past does not make it right.

Two wrongs never make a right !

JBeaucaire · Jan 4, 2009, 07:02 PM

No, you're not going to have an affair.

You're going to do what your husband did? That's OK with you somehow? No, you know better than that.

You're going to better. You're going to decide, then you're going to do it right.

You're going to:
a) Recommit to your husband and cut off all contact with temptation man, or
b) Tell your husband it is over, file for and RECEIVE your divorce prior to pursuing ANY relationship with this other man.

You're going to do it correctly. You ARE what you do. You won't repeat the sins of your husband, nor rationalized versions of your own. You will pick a man, then pursue that relationship to the exclusion of all others.

That man might be your husband. Decide, then stand by the choice be doing it right. No shortcuts.