[New Bass Player]

My husband and I have been married over 27 years. We married when I was 18 and he was 23. We dated for 1 year and were engaged 1 1/2 years before we married. While we were dating, he was normally affectionate and would do all the normal physical things. 2 months after we became engaged, I discovered some very hardcore pornography in his drawer. He told me that he was looking at it to get ideas because he didn't have much experience with sex. It hurt me deeply because my older brother would look at porn and then molest me. I told him how much it hurt me and why. I had virtually no self-esteem about my body and sexual attractiveness because of my older brother. Not only did he molest me, but he constantly told me how ugly and unattractive I was and pointed out every flaw in my figure. We married and shortly after we married, my husband completely stopped kissing me and didn't have much interest in sex. After we had been married about 7 or 8 years, he started growing very distant emotionally and physically. After 2 children, I worked very hard and had a better figure than I had when we married. I tried to dress provocatively in the bedroom and read books on how to seduce my husband, but he still didn't seem interested. I found out he was calling phone sex lines. Again, another blow to my self-esteem. I thought we had worked through all of this, but then a few years later, he was viewing on-line porn. He knows how much all of this has hurt me and I am trying to understand why he would have done this? Is it because I am so unattractive? Does it have more to do with some problem he has? When I ask him why he did it, he says he doesn't know. I don't understand why he didn't think about my feelings before he did these things. His idea of dealing with this is just to say he was an a**hole or that he was immature, but I can't get over the hurt. He still doesn't kiss me other than the kinds of kisses you can give in front of your children. He now has high blood pressure and diabetes and we haven't had sex in so long, I can't remember, but it has been years. When I have tried to talk to him about these things, he just gets defensive and says he is a jerk. He isn't really a jerk about most things. He doesn't beat me, he doesn't do drugs, he doesn't drink, he is a professional with a good job and he shares his money equally and he gladly helps around the house. I feel guilty about my hurt because he is good in so many other areas.

There have been other problems too, like his inability to manage money and his propensity for lying to me in order to cover it up, but we have worked through that. Our daughter was born with multiple birth defects, but she is 23 now and has fully recovered from all of that. He has had 5 major illnesses and surgeries during our married life, also.

I just want to understand why someone who was so sweet and understanding before we were married turned into someone who has hurt me more than I thought possible. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me, I just want to be happy again. We try to talk about it, but nothing seems to get any better.

[DoulaLC]

You say you thought things were sorted out at different times, but apparently they weren't.

If he really wants to make things right, he will seek counseling with you in order to determine why he continues to do that which he knows causes you so much pain. It may also help you with your past molestation. An outside third party can often give you some insight and direction that you aren't able to do for yourselves.

Perhaps much has been buried over the years, might be time to get some help to dig through it all and get rid of that which has not allowed your marriage to flourish as it should.

You're not happy, he is likely not happy, your marriage is not what you would like it to be... take the steps to make it better.

It will take both of you to do it however... it will be draining and at times painful, but it will give you a chance at a fresh start.

[complicatedlife]

Im feeling sympathy, seems like your life has not been easy at all, a lot of pain involve. Explain this to him once again how hard your life has been if he loves you he is going to stop with the porn watching!!