[mycrosstobear]

I will start by saying that I have done a lot of soul searching so any response of "stick it out", "go to counseling", "it's been 20 years" etc. while appreciated is not what I am looking for at this point. I got married at 18, not the wisest choice I know, but what 18 year old is? The past 22 years have not all been bad, but the last few my husband and I have grown as far apart as any two people can. I would describe myself as hard working, ambitious, goal oriented, my husband has no ambition, hates success, and would do nothing but sit on the couch with his computer all day if he could. People that know me or know what I'm going through ask me "do you love him?" I have to honestly say No, he's not the same person or even the type of person that I can love. To be honest he's "ok". I know that I need to seek a divorce, it is not going to get better. My concern obviously is for my two children who are young 6 and 4. He's a great dad, just a lousy husband.

I think he would freeze the kids out of his life to get back to me because he knows how important it is to me to have him involved with the kids. Having been a child of a nasty divorce I know how bad it can get being in the middle and I do not want that for them. I was telling myself that I was staying for their sakes, but now I find myself wishing that he would just not come home on a daily basis or my stomach tightens up every time I leave work to come home.

How would I even approach him about this without angering him, he tends to be one of those people that if you cross him he cuts you out of his life and you no longer exist. I want this to be amicable, but I don't see that happening.

[Alty]

It takes two to make a marriage work, but it also takes two to end it.

I don't know what you can say to make it amicable, it really is up to him and you can't control that.

I hope that for his sake he stays in his children's lives, not for you, not for him, but for his children. If he really is that vindictive and ostrasizes his children out of spite, well, he'll learn the hard way, sadly your kids will as well.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I know you said that counselling won't help, but I do think it's something to look into. Not marriage counselling, but family counselling, for yourself, your kids and yes, your husband. No matter what you will always be connected because of your kids, so family counselling is something you really should consider.

Divorce is hard, no matter how amicable, get your kids the help they need to get through this with as few scars as possible. Get some help for you, it's not an easy road. Ask your husband to start therapy, hopefully that will help him deal with it and help him see that his kids need him.

Good luck, I wish I could be more help.

[rose1111]

I feel for you because I was there. A breakup is rarely amicable. If you put his shoes on you will know it is going to be. And if you run the scenarios in your mind to the end you will also discover exactly how much you are willing and able to put up with one way or the other. I know you are not there yet because you are not saying that the papers have been served. So think very carefully and honestly. And talk to other people about the problems they may have had on this alternate road you are proposing. Much love to you and good luck

[Starbucks21]

I think the better question is "Are you happy?" and "Are you willing to work things out and go the consoling?"

If you answer no and you can walk away without a single thought of him then yea it may be time for a divorce. The reason divorces get so messes is because often there are feelings involved in one way or another.

I'd talk to him about divorce in a calm tone. Tell him how you feel in a very calm tone. I'm repeating myself because the calm tone is the most important part. He will probably feel hurt and who wouldn't. You may want to get the kids out of the house so they don't have to see their dad hurt.

Keep in mind though divorce never solves problems. Since you have kids and you've been with him 22 years it's going to be hard

[Starbucks21]

Why everyone tells you work it out is because nobody wants to be the person that says "Leave that boy's sorry butt!" because for them either way it works it doesn't sit well with them

A) They're the reason for your divorce

B) If it does work out, then you know how they feel about him and it definitely put a dent in their friendship with you

Nobody likes to be that person

But only you can do what's right...