[Venkman]

As the title states, I haven't had sex with my fiancé in 3 months. I am 32, and she is 26. Life has been pretty tough for her the past 6 months, and I have tried to be understanding of what she is going through (as much as I can). She recently discovered (approximately 2 months ago) that she has HPV (low grade). When I talked to her about the lack of intimacy, she stated that she is scared (because of the HPV) to engage in sex with me. Obviously, there is no way of telling if she contracted it from me or vica versa, but she is only the second woman I have slept with in the past 10 years (long term relationship for 8 years with another woman, and 2 years with my fiance). I have tried to talk to her about her fear, but I just wind up looking insensitive. Again, life has been hard for her the past 6 months, with losing her job and being unable to find another one, etc. I feel, I have been supportive and careful not to make her feel bad about having to lean on me. With that being said, I am dissatisfied with our sex life. Here lately, I have been expressing my dissatisfaction with off-colored comments about the lack of sex. I do realize that this is probably just turning her off. I just don't know how to breathe new life into our once glorious sex life. Now, I have read a few similar posts, with suggestions like "show her that you care", "be romantic" etc. I feel that I am romantic. I send her random text messages telling her I love her. I tell her that she is gorgeous. I leave little romatic post-it notes on the front door, for her to see upon arriving home. I take her out to dinner and the movies weekly. I clean up around the house & make her dinner often. I surprise her with fresh flowers. I enjoy going on long walks with her, so that we can talk. The only thing I can think of, is that she just isn't attracted to me anymore. As I have gained about 20 lbs. so I am looking a bit soft in the belly. But, I am 6'0" tall, and 195 lbs. a far cry from obese. She says that she is still attracted to me, but I fear that she wouldn't tell me that she wasn't attracted to me for fear that it may hurt my feelings. I just don't know what to do. Any and all suggestions / advice is appreciated.

Thanks.

[Addison08]

From a woman's point of view, I would think having HPV would make her feel different about how she feels about her body. Think about it like this. One day you find out that you have a disease that you contracted from having sex with someone. How would you feel about? Disgusted? Angry? Embarrassed? Just step into her shoes for a minute and consider what she is really feeling deep down inside. Yeah there are some treatments and possibly vaccines but sometimes that isn't 100%. If she has it she needs to consider treatment and also counseling to get past how she feels about herself.

When a person contracts a disease, it's hard to feel the same about their body. Not only that but the lack of work, being tired, stress. All of these things will put a strain on a woman's libido. It's really hard to explain what it's like when as a woman we find out something's just not working right or we've changed in some way. I know that as someone who had problems having children that I felt horrible, worthless, and just lost. I felt like that I couldn't be normal ever again and be like everyone else knowing that there was something wrong with me. When there's a problem it's always in the back of our minds and ticking there bugging us.

My suggestion is that you stick by her and that she needs to find someone to counsel her through this. But pushing her and pushing her with comments is going to drive a wedge between you both. Maybe you can show her that she is beautiful. Not by saying it but make her feel beautiful because obviously this is affecting how she feels about being in bed with you. Everything your doing is right but it's not what the problem is. I mean sticky notes, texts, roses, and such only do so much. Maybe it's just about showing her tenderness.

[talaniman]

HPV Factors - What is HPV? - theHPVtest.com

Sorry for your situation but follow the link ,and learn something, as maybe you ain't getting none at home, but your lady is not only scared to death, but has a load of stressful stuff to deal with. So you sacrifice, and visit rosy palms more often, so what? If you haven't been checked out yourself, you should be.

Deal with it as you have been, and hope better times are coming, but no pressure from you would help a lot.

Sorry.

[Venkman]

Thank you for your responses! There is no doubt, I will stay by her side. I feel truly lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. I was suspicious that it may have been a culmination of everything that she has been going through. I just couldn't help to feel that it may have been me, that has pushed her away in some way. As far as putting myself in her shoes, regarding contracting HPV, I thought that I had, being that I have it too (if she has it, and we've been sexually active, then I've got it too, there just isn't a way to test in men yet). I guess, I have failed to notice how deeply she has been affected by everything. Again, I love her. Hopefully, in helping me understand, I can help her through this difficult time. Thank you for shedding some light on this for me.

Thanks.

[Addison08]

No problem at all. Good luck and I do hope the best for you both. :)