[Grayfox]

Yea Jake, just please make sure you are looking at this whole thing objectively. I am also 20, and I've been through 2 back-to-back 2 year relationships. Both of which have brought me to this site to hear what I needed to hear. I think the thing that helps me the most after all the different advice (which seems to all be pointing in the same direction in the end) is reading other people's stories and realizing, either, mine isn't so bad, or there are people who have had the same kinds of situations. It helps me to feel like I'm not alone and that the grass is greener on the other side. After a while of just talking, reading, and doing my own thing, the relationship begins to fade from my life. I would encourage you to do the same thing. You're actively seeking advice, but reading others' stories might be helpful as well. This site has a lot to teach, and plenty of people who have been there before you and been there in worse ways and I feel like those experiences are what cause them to want to help others and try to prevent those same situations if they are able. I know that's why I'm here. To learn and to help, in any way I can.

[satswid]

YOu are trying to make a fool of everyone here.
Are you enjoying this?

[Jake448]

Satswid, if you are referring to the fact that I disagreed with a few comments that others made, I believe I provided truthful justification as to why I felt otherwise and have thought deeply about the words of every person on this thread. I am not on this site for others to tell me what to do. I am here to listen to their experiences have been and take their advice so I can understand better both myself and my current relationship.

[Jake448]

Hi guys, well today has been good, been studying, she has been calling me pretty often, but acting more normal than cute, not sure if that makes sense. She is going to study with a few friends from school for the final and she said one of the guys (same guy she studied with the other night) said that he is not going to see her anymore because the semester is ending and asked what if he asked her out a few months from now, would she says yes. I had a slight pause, then asked her what she said. She said, "yes of course i said yes." Another pause. She says, "we were just joking around, come on i took it as a joke and I am sure he did to. He knows me and you are dating." Do you guys think that was just a test to see my reaction because that is how I felt. She would do things like that before in our relationship as well, I would always wonder if they were true later on or she is playing games. I recall not paying attention to them a few times, that would make her say "Do you even care about me?" She has always been fairly attention demanding, oftentimes however, I really like that quality, but at times like this I do not. I haven't had that serious talk to her yet, hoping to have it when I see her in a day or two, we need to eliminate those games on both sides.

[Grayfox]

Dude... thats weird. Its possible it was a test, then again, it could be the truth and she wanted to be honest to see your reaction but then call it a joke so that she could still be in the safe zone. I wouldn't take that to be honest man. Id tell her that crap has to stop now, and ask the truth about that situation. Attention demanding to a certain degree is harmless, but it sounds to me like she's taking it too far and is hurting the relationship. You need to be really careful with this one man. You need a heart to heart where you clear everything up that's on your mind. Don't settle! And don't deal with games that shouldn't exist in a relationship, its only going to bring it and you down.

[Jake448]

Yeah, hmm... I don't want to tell her these serious things on the phone either. She was like, "why arent you laughing? guess you dont find it funny, but i did" The same thing has been happening a number of times before, her phrasing was also identical to previous times in response to my reaction. She is very talkative though and sometimes flirty without recognizing it, so guys would always fall for her easily.

[Grayfox]

Well dude, its up to you to decide whether you're OK with that. I doubt you'd be mentioning it if you fully were. You really need to talk to her about it if it bothers you, you have that right. A lot of girls can be flirty, but flirty without realizing it? Come on... dude, girls aren't stupid. Its one thing to be nice to everyone, its another thing to be flirty. Face the music dude. It sounds like your girl wants to expand her horizons a bit, and she's easing the idea into your mind by mentioning other guys and going places with friends etc. Yet she doesn't want to lose you because you're the comfortable setting she's become so used to. Chances are she'll expand her horizons without letting you know, or she'll finally be the one to break it off and do it anyway. Talk about why she's been mentioning this stuff with her. Get a solution that is mutually satisfactory, as you don't deserve to take the short end of the stick.

[Jake448]

Well, I ended up talking to her tonight on the phone about the things that I was going to tell her. I told her pretty much everything that I was feeling, she said that she has been very truthful with me about her actions, but she will also stop playing the games. She said that her friend really did say what he said today and she was telling me in the way that she was in order to see if it still makes me jealous. She also said that it makes her happy when other guys find her sexy sometimes and she wants to share that feeling with me, although she does not feel anything for them. I told her I do not mind her telling me at all when they do try to hit on her, but I just do not want her positioning it in a deceptive manner.

I mentioned that I am not very happy with her going out partying all the time as well. In response to that she said that we have very different definitions of partying and clubbing, for her it just involves having a drink and sitting around talking to her friends. She typically goes out to have fun with a single group of friends that she always hangs out with, some of them are guys and some are girls. She said that they are just friends that she likes hanging out with and that's all. Of course, I have nothing against her hanging out with friends, so I will let her do that as much as she wants to. She said that we will have plenty of time to settle down and have a serious life together later on, but right now she wants to have fun, but stated that the fun she is having was not meant to hurt her relationship with me.

Soo, after talking to her, I think I need to take it a bit easier. She said that I may be over analyzing things and maybe she is right, but whether I did or not, this lead me to being straightforward with her, I am glad about that. The serious conversation ended with her saying that she wants to work on it together. Thus, I hope that we both live up to our words with actions.

[talaniman]

So are you back together, or are you just friends??

[Grayfox]

Well that conversation sounded pretty good. Its nice to see you putting everything on the table. However, I don't think you were being over-analytical at all, and I don't think you should feel that way either. It was pretty cut and dry, some guy basically said he wanted to ask her out later and she told you that she said yes to him? That shouldn't fly, and you have a right to be upset about that. Its good that she told you the truth about the whole thing. As for liking when guys think she sexy, I mean, I'm not a girl... but I guess that's a normal thing to some degree... however, I know plenty of girls who don't care what other guys think, they are only interested in looking "sexy" for who they are with. So I guess it just depends on your relationship. At least she admits that she wants to have fun, the only thing is, sometimes that kind of fun can lead to pain for the person you're with, especially if something gets out of hand. Just make sure you're truly comfortable with all this and doing your own thing as well, got to be a two way street. If she feels like she doesn't have to worry about you while she goes off and does whatever she wants... then you're getting walked on. I don't like the idea of having someone while you do whatever you want to, that to me is just wrong, but if you trust her, then that's all that matters. Just keep your eyes open through this.

[Jake448]

Yeah, we are back together. She actually called me a few times after last night as well and we talked some more. I explained to her that if we play games or lie to one another even about the smallest things, it does not matter if the other person finds out or not, it will still hurt both of us more in the long run. She agreed with that. We also talked about the fact that last year we have put all of our time to be with each other, pretty much ignoring our friends and family. That is true, last year I probably hung out with my friends without her maybe two or three times the whole year and barely was home to be with my family. I think she might have gotten me so used to that (dependent on her), that I kept trying to go back to that same stage. Now that she mentioned that she has been trying to balance things out, I probably should also work on having some balance in life. Does that sound reasonable? So, I am still going to be cautious, yet put my complete effort to work this out and trust her.

[Grayfox]

Well do what you got to do, but remember, she broke up with you originally for a reason. If I were you id try to figure out what that reason is and see if you can remedy it, whether it be with your or her. Give her what she needs, fix what you need to.

[talaniman]

Keeping a balanced life is important in any relationship. Everyone has to have room to grow.

[Jake448]

Hi guys, just thought I'd give you an update on how things are going. We have seen each other yesterday, as well as today and I am satisfied with the way things went. Although we have been joking around and stuff about 95% of the time, we had some serious talks as well. talaniman, I have mentioned the quote to her, "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs." That lead us to quite a few discussions about future and why things were not working out before.

She is out with friends right now, but I am happy for her, even though a bit worried, hopefully she will be OK. Something else weird that I realized about myself is that when she is out with friends like that, I almost feel a bit jealous that she is having fun and I am here pointing my face at the mechanics of materials book, weird feeling huh? Not that I want to be going out right now anyway.. I don't fit into her company of friends most of the time either, the time she invited me along a couple months back, I pretty much spent the whole evening with her, which I guess kind of defeated the purpose of going out with her friends to begin with. Its just that once she is with them, she won't even call me, most likely until next morning. Its almost 11pm and she didn't pick up the phone when I called her 10 min ago, I won't call again. Is that typical with girls when they are on nights out with friends not to answer bfs calls? I don't think I am really OK with that, because I worry about her a lot, so I guess that's another thing I need to talk to her about. I trust her and am not worried about other guys or anything, just worried for her to be OK. I am going to start getting back on track on going to the gym again since I haven't been doing that for the last month. Otherwise, we will keep working on things that bothered us before, oddly enough it seems like much of that comes from my side and she hasn't really told me anything I should improve on now. I am fairly confident in this relationship as long as we keep things balanced and both of us have the desire to make it work. I know I am worried right now, but I guess you just have to worry sometimes about those you love. Am I taking the right approach to this?

[talaniman]

Nothing wrong with being worried, its what you do about it that causes the problems. Projecting your fears unto others will surely make you a pain in the a$$, and lets be real, you can't keep tabs on people, but you can appreciate when they come home.

[Jake448]

Me and my girlfriend, who is from India, have been dating for about a year and a half. We really love each other, but since I am white and she is Indian we both decided not to introduce one another to the parents until we really know that we have a stable relationship over time. I am 20 years old and she is 19. Her parents are not the kind who would plan arranged marriages, but I still am not sure how they would take it down the road. They don't want her dating anybody right now and focus on school, which makes sense. She does not think they will be really freaked out by the fact that I am not indian, may be just a little unhappy, but she thinks they will accept me fine. We are not planning to marry yet or anything, but I am just looking down the road since that may happen in a few years and I don't want to waste time with something that will backfire in the end.
Well here it is:
My mom on the other hand is the problem since she knows that I am dating that girl, although I never brought her home to meet her. She mentions her sometimes, but every time she does it hurts me. Today she said, "so what are you going to do with that indian girl? Are you really thinking about marrying her down the road? I am not sure what is better for you to be happy [also implying that she is a nice girl] or for our family to suffer when you have kids [implying that kids will not be white]." I know its somewhat racist, but our family is pretty traditional in that regard. Since its been a year and half, I am thinking of maybe bringing her home and introducing her to my mom hoping that she will like her? Is that a good idea or should I hold off until down the road? I don't know what to do.

[talaniman]

This is something you talk about openly with your partner.

[love092489]

I agree. You need to discuss this with your partner! I would hope that you follow your heart and do what is best for. My best friend is in a similar situation, but his parents accept his indian girlfriend but her parents do not accept him because he is black and christian. She decided that the best thing for her was to leave her parents and never turn back. I def think that we all need family so you two need to discuss the situation openly and honestly.

[cbsf]

Your mom's statements are in my opinion racist, and I'm sorry that she isn't more supportive of you. I think she means well, it's a natural instinct to fear those that don't look like us, but hope in time she may be enlightened. Both you and your girlfriend may have a hard road ahead of you, but if you love each other you will make it work.

By the way, I recommend watching 'The Namesake' if you haven't already seen it -- the film deals with issues exactly like what you describe. Watch it with mom.

[artlady]

If you think your mother would be rude to your girl than I would avoid any meeting.She should not have to be exposed to anything negative simply because of her ethnic background.

I think you need to talk to your family and express your feelings about their bigotry and explain that this is the person you want to be with.And you will be regardless of their blessing.

Prejudice is usually born from ignorance.And ignorance creates fear.What people do not understand they fear. Perhaps if they understood more about your girl and her culture they could accept her as she is... another human being with the same wants and needs as all of us!

Often parents have to make a choice.. hold on to their prejudice or lose their child.

Indian people have a beautiful culture and are very respectful of others so I would not insult her by bringing her in into an environment where she may be insulted.

Get a dialogue going with your family about this and help them to see the error of their ways(kindly) without being accusatory.

Its hard for some people to change the way they were raised.

Good luck!