[earnitback]

That does not mean that I fear her... it's called getting tired of drama. I did many things to escape this drama over the 5 years we were together... I even got a job that made me less available... all to get away from the drama.

In no way, shape or form do I fear her... It's called doing right by someone. I'm hard on myself because I was raised to be better than that... I've never feared a woman, and I never will fear a woman.

[talaniman]

If that were true then, just curious, why did you walk on eggshells, and have to lie about stuff men always get chewed out for? Explain this drama thing to me, and if it was as bad as you say, what's all this changing to get her back for?? What kind of changes are you making? Are you going to admit you didn't do her honey do list, or did you mean by change your going to do them, and don't have to lie any more?

Please help me understand what you mean by change.

[earnitback]

The changes I'm making aren't just for her. They are being made for me. She asked for a part of me that I wasn't willing to give to her. A part of me that only my ex wife had seen. She had only heard about it from my family and old friends, but seen only glimmers of it.

There was a time when I was, for lack of a better word, brutally honest with people. If you wanted to know something and you asked me, I would tell you... no matter how much it might hurt the person I was telling, or myself.

I've overcome a lot in my life. After leaving my ex wife at the age of 20, I became an alcoholic. During the next 3 years, all I would do is work and drink. That's pretty much what my life consisted of for the entire 3 years. Then one day I was at work and spontaneously decided it was time that things changed. I dropped what I was doing, went to my house, packed my things and left. I headed back to where I grew up. Two weeks after this, I met her. I was fresh out of a situation that I remember almost killing me. I told her this and she stood beside me the entire time. She became my support system for beating the addiction that had almost brought my life to an end less than a month earlier. She was selfless with it. I never asked for her help, she just gave it to me.

She grew to see the potential that I had and did everything she could every day to make sure I knew that I was capable of more than what I had already accomplished. I'm not a very religious man, but I became convinced that this woman was my angel. She stood beside me during a time when my own family wouldn't even talk to me... Her family was the family that I never really had. They respected me for who I was and never expected me to change just for them.

I was once too proud to admit when I was wrong. I refused to back down and stood firmly by what I said, even if I didn't always believe it. I tend to wear my pride... she always had to hide her pain... it just wasn't fair to her and now it's time that I've done something to correct those problems. First and foremost, this is for me... but she is a very, very close second.

So, you want to know the reason for this change? I owe it to a lot of people... including myself. In my world, trust and respect is all a man has. It doesn't matter what you have or the materials you leave behind. It's all about the memories and the legacy you leave behind and the way that you impact the lives of others.

It seems pretty deep, but it's the way I've been thinking these days since I've gotten my head clear. I tell you these things not because I want someone to feel sorry for me or pitty me, I tell you these things because you asked.

[asking]

I don't agree with talaniman this time. His post sounds like he is saying that she has no right to ask a partner to do his fair share and that, as a woman, she should know her place and make no demands.

I don't hear that earnitback is "afraid" of her and I think saying that is meant to be an insult to make it seem like trying to work toward a more equal partnership where both people are honest and contribute equally is somehow unmanly. I think it IS manly to be honest, helpful, and upright. How could that possibly be wrong?

I think earnitback is trying to change his life for the better and deserves support and recognition for that.

[BobbyVandeyar]

Always remember something. Whether it be a little white lie or a big lie. A lie is a lie. And no trust equals no relationship. Take what you learned from all of this and apply it. And I hope everything works out for you.

Keep your head up brother. Not down.

[earnitback]

Thanks, Bobby. That's the thing, I know better and that's why I've been working hard to correct that, as well as other things.

I'm confident that I can earn it all back, but I'm not closed off to the possibility of it not working either...

I'll keep my head up and my shoulders back... standing tall just as I have for the last few months.

[BobbyVandeyar]

Just don't do it in a sense of winning her back. Do it because its what's best for you. Because I'm sure you don't want to go and make the same mistake again. By showing her as well as others that your taking charge in the wrongs that you have done and correcting it. You proving to them and to yourself. That you are a true person.

[talaniman]

I thank you, and apologize for seeming harsh, but I needed info, and some truth.

I will give you some very fair warning though, at least as I see it, put no one on a pedestal higher than your own.

Just my take on it, and offered as food for thought.

You still haven't explained the drama part, and the behavior it brought out of you.

[earnitback]

Well, like I said earlier; I'm going to do it regardless... if she doesn't want to be with me after the changes have been made, that's okay. At the very least I could end up with her being my friend again.

[earnitback]

What brought it on is that she got to where she was pretty hard on me. She knew and knows that I'm capable of doing and being more... and in turn, she expects it. I felt for a while like I had to be perfect... trying to do everything right and never make any mistakes at all.

I only realized after the engagement was broken off and I had left that she wasn't asking for me to be perfect... she just wanted me to be me to my full potential.

Some things have me bothered right now though... like her brother calling me last night to "check on me" which was completely random because we don't speak anymore. I know him well enough to know that he was influanced by something or someone to just randomly call me on a Monday night after 10:30... it just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Being harsh is okay. At least I know that if you're being harsh, you're being honest... that's what I need right now and I'm more than willing to extend the same in return.

[asking]

ABout the brother.I think you are right in thinking she was talking to him and probably expressing her own concerns. Or possibly it got to him through some intermediary. But I assume his concern was genuine and he probably felt guilty for not having stayed in touch. Take it kindly, I think. If you want to stay friends with him, call him back some time.

[talaniman]

My friend your both afraid to let each other go, and the only thing wrong with that is, its important you stand on your own for a time, and get to your own center, and define who you are, without her.

No disrespect, honestly, but floundering in limbo, is no good for any one, and until you know what your own path is, don't expect her to follow, or anyone else for that matter.

You have nothing to prove to any one, and really should forgive yourself, and be clear that you can't make things right, until your right with yourself.

I really feel its time to let go, and take a chance on yourself, by yourself, without her as a crutch.

Its up to her to figure out if your worth trusting, or not, and thats best done without your influence.

I really think that's the only way to balance yourself, and this relationship enough for it to be equal, or to have a chance.

Until you can let it go, I don't think either of you will know, if its really worth the risk of trying, and stop dancing around each other.

[Guidostern]

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes in life. Sometimes yes, we do find out after it's already too late, but you know what? It's okay. We're human and things like that happens to the best of us.

I think it's best if you do as Tal says and let go for a little while. I know it's hard, but you'll find yourself more without her on your mind... then you can both approach the situation with a clear head and maybe even put the past behind you. Don't worry though... do all of this changing for yourself... because in the end, you're the only one you have to prove anything to.

[earnitback]

I'm not being hard on myself. I'm taking responsibility for what happened and my own doing. I've tried to let go of her... I cut contact with her for a very long time. I avoided phone calls, text messages, emails, and even missed a friend's funeral because I didn't want to see her... so I've done my absolute best to let go and move on...

It's not like I haven't been dealing with the pain or running away from it. I hit it head on and I decided to take power over it. So now, three months later I've made great strides and I know it... people around me know it.

[talaniman]

She does too, probably, but that's not your concern, she is a big girl, and can make up her own mind, let her as you do have a life to build, with or without her.

[earnitback]

Tonight has been kind of a rough one for me. I got off work and headed to my house... everything seemed to be fine. I had a friend call me and we talked, etc. for about thirty minutes and during this time I missed her call.

She called to tell me that she hopes I have a Merry Christmas. Yeah, it's so small and shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does.

A couple of hours later she decided to text message me and ask if I was headed back home to spend time with my family. I told her not yet because I want to make sure I show up early in the morning when all my nephews and nieces are waking up... it'll be a good surprise for them.

She responded back and said that she wanted me to tell my family Merry Christmas for her. I messaged her back and said, "You know, you can call my mother and tell her...she was asking about you a few days ago." Which is completely true... she messaged back and asked me to please do it for her.

So yeah, I tend to over analyze things because for one... I'm a math major and two, it's something so close to my heart. I think that maybe she's just feeling a little blue seeing how this is our first Christmas apart in 5 years... so maybe that's all it is... maybe she's trying to reach out to me... there's no telling at this point...

[Guidostern]

I know this is going to be a killer, but I'm going to be honest with you just as Tal has been.

I would chalk it up to her just trying to be nice or trying to make herself feel better about the situation. Yeah... my ex did the same thing to me this afternoon... I didn't think anything of it though.

So, don't get any wishful thinking there, man... It's possible that she was doing it just to see if she could get some attention out of you too. I tend to over analyze things too because of the line of work I'm in... I investigate everything until I come up with an answer... so I understand where you're coming from... just don't let her ruin your holiday.

[earnitback]

Well, Christmas went well... she sent me a few texts throughout the day and it got to me a little, but I didn't let it ruin my day in any way at all... which is good.

The last text she sent me had "XOXO" at the end of it... I talked to my counselor this morning and he says that it sounds like she is trying to get back in very slowly... but I don't know for sure. My entire problem right now is that I'm wondering if she's playing games or not... maybe to find out if I still feel the same about her, or if I've just completely dropped her and moved on.

I haven't let her know how I feel at all and all communication that I send her is kept to a minimum to keep her from knowing whether I still have feelings for her or not... I guess that's a smart move, but at this point my impatience is getting the best of me...