[JamesCH]

Ok, kind of a long story but here goes. Me and my ex have been broken up for 2, almost 3 months now. We had a rough split, but after a while we got over it and got to the point where every couple weeks we would talk or meet up for lunch somewhere.

Every time we meet up she made weird comments about us getting back together. The other day she was returning a few old sweatshirts and jackets that she had borrowed and wanted to see my new apartment that I just moved in. I showed her around the place and she mentioned stuff like "if we were still together this place would be so much cleaner" and stuff of that nature. Every time she brought stuff like that up I would just blow her off with some sarcastic comment like, well I like it messy in here anyway.

Anyway, right now she is not in a good relationship from what she tells me. The guy has no respect for her and she is not getting treated right. A couple days ago me and some friends went drinking and I left a drunk message on her phone. I don't remember this but I don't doubt it because I did it to several other people that night.

The next day she calls me and was like what were you doing last night? I got a weird message from you. I appologized to her for the message, it said nothing because apparently I was just talking to someone else with her answering machine running. Right as I am fixing to end the conversation she tells me that she misses me and she thinks she made a mistake (woah!). I am still not 100% over her, but this was quite a shock for me. We talked about it some more and after a while I told her, lets just think about this tonight and talk about it tomorrow.

Anyway, today rolls around and I called her twice (6 hours apart) and she never picked up the phone. I have been thinking about this all day because I now really want to start things back up between us but also, I am afraid she is just playing games with me.

What should I do? I made sure not to call her anymore tonight, not to seem desperate but at the same time I want to let her know that I am interested. It is now 2am and she has not gotten back to me so I don't know what to think. Please give me your opinions on this situation.

[valinors_sorrow]

I know this will be hard to hear but it is as accurate as I know how to make it: I rarely see getting back together work out.

I also have a few concerns here based on what you wrote that I would like to share. Neither of you should be telling the other about future dates or partners... UGH to that! Once you are broken up, you don't back up to some "best friends" position that would allow for any kind of objectivity. That is beyond the means of most people and where the "game" in this began. It would be good to cultivate a little sensitivity and discipline about that in the future, you know what I mean?

Then the drunk phone call... not good! It does not allow you off the hook of responsibility to be drunk. I tend to think that whatever you said furthered the "game" along, although you haven't been very clear what that was. So she countered with the bombshell and the "game" moved to a new level.

So as hard as this may be for you to see, I see two playing which fits since it really does take two to make the game work. I have given you my honest opinion and would now suggest that you look closely at what broke you up in the first place, then ask yourself this important question: Has anything substantially changed pertinent to that issue that would make sense of trying again with her? If the answer is no, then there is the clue to what direction you need to take.

I hope this helps lend some clarity and if nothing else offer a different point of view. Thanks for hearing me out.

[Wildcat21]

Getting back together only works IF - there was NO abuse (verbal or physical), no cheating, no lying, etc.

Please tell me how you broke up? Be honest.

I don't like the fact you're rushing to call her - TWICE the very next day - kind of needy and desperate. What's the rush - make her thnk about you. Make her miss you! Women need time to sort out their feelings - believe me. She's confused - I'd leave her alone until SHE calls you again. Ughhhhhhhhhh TWICE?? Ughhhhhhhhh. Go to the gym or something and quit worrying about her.

What ever happened to playing a little hard to get? Toooooo available Dude. Where's the chase - she wants the chase AGAIN. Most women love the chase - you lay down and surrender now and you will lNEVER get her back.

DUDE! I think she knows your interested!! Let her make the next move - you be busy - the ball IS DEEP IN HER COURT - the ball should always be in yourt court.

She may be playing the GIRLY game of seeing IF she still has you - IT'S A FREAKING EGO BOOSTING GAME PLAYED BY WOMEN- IF she was interested still she would be RUSHING to call you back... so leave her be, period, end oF Story.

[JamesCH]

I guess just to give you guys a little bit of background information on us. We dated for almost a year and a half and broke up about 2 or 3 months ago. There was no lying, cheating, abuse of any kind. We just sort of got bored with each other.

Anyway, throughout this 2 or 3 months I played it cool with her, pretending like I had no interest in her. Anytime she would mention something about something she missed about us being together I would just blow her off by saying that's in the past or something like that. I still had feelings for her but I knew if I played it cool it would drive her insane and I think it did.

Finally the other day I gave in and told her I still think about her sometimes and that I think we might need to give it another chance. She finally called me at like 5am this morning and was at my door (creepy). We talked for about an hour about our situation and we both agreed that we needed another chance.

The only problem is this, and this is where the games come in. She is afraid of getting out of her current relationship. It is not a healthy one and in many ways is abusive on her. She pretty much told me that she was thankful for me finally talking to her about it, she still cares about me, she still wants to give it another chance, but she is afraid to end her current relationship with her boyfriend.

She wants me to just wait for her and when she finds a way out she is going to take it. I don't buy that, I told her if she wanted to get back I offered her my hand and whether she took it or not was her decision but I made it perfectly clear that I was not going to play her games and wasn't going to offer it again. I still care about her a lot but I cannot put myself through these games.

In response to what Wildcat posted, for 2 months the ball was in my court. I just took things as they came and played them the best way I could to driver her crazy. For 2 months she would always tell me how unhappy she was with this guy and how much she missed us two but I just played it off as an "i'm over you" thing. Now I finally put the ball in her court and she is just playing games with me so I am very confused on what to do next.

[JamesCH]

Also, I forgot to add this minor detail. This morning while we were talking she caught me compltely off guard and kissed me. I went through with it not to make the situation more aqward but pretty much instead of just talking to her ex she is now cheating with her ex. Just another curveball thrown in this game :(

[Wildcat21]

I agree - under no terms do you start anything until she ends it with the other dude - it is playing games. Trust me on this one. In this situation she must end and prove she ended it with this other guy. No way can you start anything healthy until she gets that guy out of her system. I would tell her that - she HAS to choose on this one. It's ALSO called having a spine!! Don't be a softy on this one!! Don't let her walk all over you on this one - or she will try other stuff. It's the ONLY way to proceed - you guys know each other.

This happens ALL the time - the gal thinking the grass is always greener. And they always end up with what turns out to be a bad dude.

Sounds like the ball is back in your court - good!

[valinors_sorrow]

This is where I am having read the last posts...
While I don't entirely buy that she can't get out of the current relationship, it is a well known fact that women can and do get stuck in abusive relationships. I am just not sure that is what is occurring since it doesn't fit the usual pattern. That she picked an abusive man now makes me wonder what happened before now? By the same token I also don't buy that your relationship ended out of boredom-- how does one have a "rough split" as you called it, that way? My "spidey senses" say that some part of the picture is still missing here. So I am now really at a loss of what to say that could be constructive. I am sorry.

[Wildcat21]

Oh - so true. I knew one women who satyed in an abusive rerlationship for 10 years and another for 7. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? I don't have the answers and they do not either. I DO KNOW - Low self asteem was involved for sure.

Yes - we need the real story - that's why I asked about the break. Great points Val!!

[momincali]

James, if you were with her for a year and a half, were you dating just for the heck of dating or did you think it was going somewhere, and if you do get back with her, what's the purpose? Something to do? If you broke up out of boredom, won't you get bored again?

I think Wildcat is right about women and thinking that the grass is greener, shows little to no commitment on her part. I think she is wanting what she can't have. You played it cool for these last three months and gave her the notion that you were getting past her fairly quickly and that made her want you even more. I also think she may just be stretching the truth on this guy not being too good to her to play out a little sympathy from you and make you want to save her.
She needs to save herself, don't be her tool, or her excuse.

Think things through before deciding if you really want to try it again, be choosey. After a year and a half, you already know who she is, what she's about, how well you guys get along, so you should be honest with yourself to know whether this is a good move for you. If she's an apple, know that this is what you're getting and don't try and turn her into an orange halfway through.

[valinors_sorrow]

Oh - so true. I knew one women who stayed in an abusive rerlationship for 10 years and another for 7. Why? I don't have the answers and they do not either. I DO KNOW - Low self asteem was involved for sure.

You are right about the low self esteem. Battered Person Syndrome is a sub category of PTSD where the person is so threatened they lose their ability to fight back or escape. Its related, in part, to the Stockholm syndrome, where they discovered in a bank employee kidnapping that a threat can be so great victims actually worked to protect the one making the threats. I understand it from both an intuitive/personal and therapy/informational point of view. There isn't the right elements in what is being posted here to suggest either is taking place so that's what made me begin to wonder what's up...

[talaniman]

She's cheating your helping. Does this sound healthy to you. This sounds like too much drama and if you were really concerned you would have cut off all contact and gotten away from this soap opera. Instead you jump in with both feet. You love the attention so she really has control and she will do with you anything she wants,she has already. You both are sick. If that's the way you want to be that's up to you. Play her game if you want have fun.

[JamesCH]

Ok just to clarify some of these things. First of all, when I mean we had a hard breakup I didn't mean that there was a lot of cheating, lying etc. What I meant is we dragged out our breakup over about 3 months. We tried everything to save the relationship but in the end it just made the inevitable end harder to take. There was no sort of abuse at all in this relationship, just the fact that we dragged it out so long made it that much harder to let go.

Her relationship as far as I know is not physically abusive but it is verbally and emotionally abusive. She apparently likes the guy a lot but he is abusive to her so I don't know how those 2 go together.

But anyway, we talked and we have gotten to a conclusion about our situation. I told you guys that we kissed this morning and throughout the day I just felt so bad that I did that. I don't like her boyfriend and I have no respect for him but I am not going to stoop down and let her cheat on him with me. We talked about what changes we would need to make on our relationship and we both agreed that we should get back together.

Problem is she wanted to still be with him and still go on a few dates with me behind his back to see if we would actually work out. I just straight up said no to that. There is no way I would ever do that. Pretty much I just gave her a kiss, told her best of luck to her with her life and walked off. Not much else I could do with that situation since she is too afraid to break it off with him.

[Skell]

I think you did the right thing. It appears that she was just seeing if she still had you. And she almost did.
How dare she expect to date you while with this other guy and expect you accept that.
I undersatand what you are saying about the breakup. It wasn't so much messy but dragged out and very emotional. Been there done that. And you're right, dragging it out like that even though there is no cheating etc does make it much harder. A lesson for us there isn't there?!

You did do the wrong thing by kissing her, however we all make mistakes. I'm glad you are man enough to admit that it was wrong and decided not to allow it to happen again. Well Done!!

She simply wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to try with you but have the security of the other guy there in case it fails with you. How selfish!

Your better than that! Don't let her play you for a fool..

You did a good thing by walking away. Now it is up to you to leave her behind you. Don't look back.

She will probably try this on again. Don't let her fool you. She is only playing games. You stick to your guns and keep that attitude of not playing her games!

Good luck and keep us posted.

[YeloDasy]

HHmmm, yeah, it seems like you are forgetting to look at things that have been posted by these smart people. If you have been broken up for 3 months and she is already in a relationship, strong enough to where she can't leave... and already abusive... she doesn't seem ready for a relationship right now... maybe she doesn't want to be alone, but I think that unless she is in danger of her life, you need to let her deal with his guy on her own, make it her thing, not yours... you don't want anything to do with this other guy... let her end it, give it a little more time, and then go for it... it sounds like you both want this again out of comfort and convenience... been there, doesn't work. Think about it... you can't fix her problems, you want her to go into your relationship problem free from other guys!

[diamond16]

Okay, It sounds like she's having her cake and eating it too. You mentioned she's currently in a relationship with a guy who's treating her bad. What she does with you she'll do to you. Drop her quick! It sounds like she setting you up to be a "booty call" she probably isn't answering cause she's with him. She's all of a sudden "MIA" whatever she ain't fooling nobody. She gives you enough crumbs to keep you around making you think one day you'll get the whole meal. Let her go move on, join a gym don't be her old stand by. You will met your soul mate one day and you will know cause everything will fit like a puzzle. Believe me I know I've met my soul mate and I'm so happy that I didn't settle for any of the losers I was with in the past. And just remember you teach people how to treat you! Smile you never know who could be falling in love with you.:)