[letmetellu]

Miss Teri let me give you a good piece of advice. If you lose this guy, which to me it sounds like you already have, you are just the last to know, and when you find the next guy that shows interest in you get to know the guy before you jump into bed with him. Let him find out something about you that might let him know that you are a great person to be around and very interesting and someone that he really might like to spend the rest of his life with and not just a person that is good for a release when he feels like having sex. Too many females lose what might have been the best man in their lives by going to bed with them to early. If you refuse sex and he leaves that is probably all he wanted you for anyway. If you refuse sex and he stays around he might be around long enough to really get to know the real you. Don't get me wrong I am no prude, it is just the fact that I have already been through many times what you are going through now. What if you do lose the guy what are you going to lose except a few months out of you life. And maybe you will not marry him and spend years waiting for him to come home drunk.

[valinors_sorrow]

Takes two to keep a game going.. .

[youknow]

I'm late to this thread, but maybe you'd still appreciate advice.

I'm surprised that everyone overlooked that big conversation you had the weekend before his behavior became more withdrawn.

Look, an admission along the lines of "I can't believe I've already found the person I could see myself growing old with" isn't something that is easy to admit. It would make anyone feel vulnerable. Some people (and guys are particularly susceptible to this, due to gender role socialization) find it especially hard to come out with intimate stuff like that, and will often RETREAT FOR AWHILE AFTER SOMETHING DEEPLY PERSONAL HAS BEEN SHARED. It's kind of like an, "OMG! Open!" then, "Holy ****! CLOSE!" type of feeling. And from how you described how hard it was for him to admit that, I think this describes him, and what's happening, to a T.

Everyone is encouraging playing mindgames so you don't appear too clingy (I actually agree with them--stay cool :cool:), but while you're here freaking out on this message board, asking your roommate and all your friends what you should do, interpreting the timetables of his calls, listing possibilities... did it occur to you that he could be purposely playing the very mindgame that is now being suggested for you too? And maybe you are playing into it exactly as he had hoped.

Either way, you shouldn't be so insecure suddenly, if you can empathize with him by looking at other possibilities.

[MissTeri]

Yes, I did something bad and now I'm paying for it.

Tuesday night I was supposed to meet my boyfriend at his place. He wasn't there on time so I just let myself in, as usual. I couldn't watch TV because he was recording a show and I kind of resented the fact that he was late as usual. One thing led to another and I looked in one of his cabinet drawers and found his stash of sentimental things from his ex-girlfriend.

They dated for three years and I met him a month after they broke up. I found a ton of pictures of them, letters, cards, a stuffed animal, and a garter from prom. Worst of all, there was also a thong. It looked like the stuff hadn't been touched for a while.

The worst thing about it is that I found her pet name for him and now it haunts me at all times. I can't get it out of my head. At his place last night the drawer was always on my mind and what he has in it.

We've been dating for a year. I guess I still have some things like that, but I've never had such a serious relationship and I definitely haven't saved any underwear.

I know it's my fault for snooping, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about this for days. It's like I've resurrected her and now she's between us and I can't even say anything about it. I'm always wondering why he's kept all of that stuff and if it still has meaning for him. I keep thinking about their three year relationship and that pet name, I just can't get it out of my head.

I know I'm paying for violating his privacy, but what can I do now? I'm not sure if I can get over this.

[valinors_sorrow]

Its very good that you realise the ramifications to your actions and take responsibility for it. It is a hard lesson --- that one! You have really borrowed trouble and I know how terrible that feels having done that myself. This doesn't need to be brought up with him although that may be very tempting. Its just that some confessions only hurt others, and that is a selfish act in my book. Trust that you will eventually not think about it. It will take time but in the meanwhile you could try telling yourself how you've learned this lesson and are never ever going snooping again over and over to help hasten getting over the uncomfortable part. I often seem to experience that once the lesson has fully sunk in, my feelings change fairly easily on their own. Good luck and thanks for posting, Miss Teri.

PS - If you do decide to tell him, be mindful you are telling him of a real betrayal so be prepared for worst case scenario-- being shown the door is a possibility.

[talaniman]

Hate to say it but you deserve to be haunted by a guilty conscience,so just take your medicine and keep your mouth shut. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I agree with Val, if you say anything he may not want you around anymore. Eventually you'll get over it but I hope you learned from this.

[Roel Zylstra]

Call me selfish, but I say tell him. Getting it out in the open may allow you to get it out of your head. If you're not a snooper usually and apologize for it, he should be able to let it go no problem - as long as you are ready to let it go also. If you two have an intimate relationship he shouldn't be bothered all that much by it.

[Jay_Jay]

As the others have said, you may be better to keep stum ! Saying anything will lead to your boyfriend being very mad at you! Plus it will also effect the trust he has for you.

[Skell]

The simple matter of the fact is that he is with YOU NOW and not her. He has been for a year so obviously has strong feeling for you. I know that mighten help you take your mind of this but it is a fact that you should try and put in your mind when it wonders to think about her.

[aqua@home]

I agree with the fact that I think you should come clean, maybe in a little time though. I think you should remember that he is with you, not her, not anyone else. Repeat that over and over again. Be honest.

[CaptainForest]

As you said, you have saved stuff from previous relationships too.

The only difference seems to be that one piece he saved were some underwear.

So what?

To him, underwear represent something special, perhaps not to you, but to him perhaps.

Bring it up if you want, but it isn't his fault, and he is with YOU.

As you also said, it looked like it hadn't been touched in a while.

Which says he is really into YOU.

[momincali]

If you do decide to bring it up, don't be angry with him. Let him know you have something to confess to him and that you feel terrible about it. Let him know you feel bad for snooping and that you understand holding on to things cause you have some stuff at home too. Tell him that although it's silly, you feel weird about some of the stuff you found and about his pet name but that you have decided to put it out of your mind because you know that you are the one there with him, not her.

Truth be told, you shouldn't feel bothered if he becomes a little uneasy around you, you violated a serious trust there. If you feel haunted, it's only cause you won't let her go, he did, a year ago...

[MissTeri]

How does everyone feel about bikini contests? Guys? Girls?

I feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend going to a bar with his buddies to look at a bunch of other women with barely any clothing on. Yet he doesn't want to miss out on what his buddies (mostly single) are doing and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.

I don't mind the Maxim magazines or when he appreciates a good looking woman on TV but this seems to be right on the line. What's next, Monday nights at the strip club?

[blueiman]

If you don't like something your boyfriend is doing then you should talk to him about it. You will get a good feeling about how he feels and how he acts. Does he respect how you feel? Does he assure you everything is OK? And does he make you feel comfortable in the relationship? etc.

[RickJ]

Blue's right. Communicate to him exactly how this makes you feel.

It's one thing to appreciate a good looking woman that is seen on the street, at the Mall, etc. but it's another to go seek to see women in this way.

You have a right to feel the way you do.

[phillysteakandcheese]

If it really bothers you, he should respect your feelings on the matter.

My personal thoughts though - You shouldn't be worried about it unless it is a regular occurrence that is taking precedence over your relationship. Normal guys appreciate beautiful women, and a night out with the guys once in awhile is completely normal.

[blueiman]

If it really bothers you, he should respect your feelings on the matter.

Ps&s good point. He should really respect your feelings. Definitely talk to him. Let him know how you feel. If he has the attitude you are acting silly... then, he may not respect how you feel. If he acts like, hey sorry sweetie I guess I did not realize how you felt and I will be more sensitive to your feels, etc. and his actions speak louder than words. You will feel better if you get it out on the table. So, don't wait to long and let it build up.

[schweb]

It would be more of a concern if your partner was going to these venues without your knowledge and a matter of concern.
I understand that even by doing so you would feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps your partner and you should talk about this matter and make sure you explain how it makes you fell. He should respect your input and your relationship should grow from your sign of honesty.
Remember after these events your partner comes too, he comes home to you! Because it is you he wants to be with not some girl on a stage :)

[Fr_Chuck]

What would he think about you being in it ?


If you are at the datig stage and he and you are still also hanging with your buddies and going out with them, that is the stage of your relationship.

Many man become adicted to the strip clubs and I place these types of contests not much above them.

And I personally look awlful in bikini. A local truck stop had a "topless" car wash for charity, a lot of the men took their shirts off. ( most of them needed to keep them on)

[s_cianci]

I agree with you. I think bikini contests are in very poor taste. They do nothing but create undue arousal in men while the club owner gets rich off their drunkenness and are sexually exploitive of women. How serious are you with this guy? If you're at the stage where you're in or are considering making any kind of commitment then I'd declare bikini contests off limits. IF he won't budge then it's time to find a new boyfriend.