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starryder6 · Nov 25, 2008, 05:53 PM

Hi,
One of my oldest and best friends in getting married in June. She was just my bridesmaid this October for my wedding (it's almost Thanksgiving). She has asked me to be a bridesmaid but just found out my husband and I want to try and get pregnant. First, she asked me to wait to get pregnant until after her wedding. THEN, she hinted that she may want me to back out of her wedding party so if I AM pregnant by her wedding, won't be the "Center of Attention". She also said that she didn't want me to be tired at her bachelorette party or leave early. This upsets me because although she hasn't asked me to be her matron of honor, did ask me to plan her bachelorette and bridal shower. I love her and want her to be happy no matter what on her big day, but feel slighted that looking good in an bridesmaid dress trumps me standing up for her on a most memorable day. My husband thinks I should back out, I don't want to... what should I do?

jjwoodhull · Nov 25, 2008, 10:36 PM

I think it's incredibly superficial of your friend to ask you to not get pregnant. I don't blame you for being hurt. However, it is her day, and she can have it however she wants. If I were you I would continue trying to get pregnant. If you find out that you are, then approach her and offer to back out.

In the meantime - try not to take it personally. It's not about you - it's about her being shallow.

starbuck8 · Dec 1, 2008, 01:17 AM

I think your friends behaviour is terrible! A real friend would NEVER ask a friend to not get pregnant, just so SHE would be the center of attention. That is very childish and selfish! I don't know where peoples manners and morals went.

Bridal showers and bachlorette parties are normally suppose to be a surprise! Not something where a bride picks out a person to plan it for them, and that she would be upset if you had to leave early or would be tired because you want to have a baby. That's ridiculous!

To top it off, she obviously doesn't care about your happiness, if she would even think of asking you to back out of her wedding. I don't mean to offend you, but I would not only back out of the wedding, I would back out of the friendship. She sure doesn't sound like a very good friend at all to me.

Don't let her control what you and your new husband decide to do. Some people get so involved with the "wedding", and forget about the "marriage", and it sounds like your friend is one of these people, from what you've said. Focus on your own "marriage" right now, not on her "wedding"! Do you want her pettiness to cause problems in your marriage, just so she can have her DAY? Think about it.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 1, 2008, 05:20 AM

Go on with your life, back out of her wedding as a bridesmaid now so she can plan someone else

Starbucks21 · Dec 11, 2008, 12:34 AM

I'm going to look at it from both views.

The bride wants you to be able to fit in her perfect time spent bridesmaid dress that may not come in maturity. It is the day she's dreamed about since she was 7. The idea of a waddling bridesmaid may not fit her vision.

You and your husband are happy and in love and ready to start a family. Of course you don't want to wait a year to start trying. And you don't want to put your life on hold just for her 1 day.

Here's what I think you should do... Tell her you and your husband want to start trying for a baby and you can't wait. Tell her you could be pregnant during her wedding. Offer to back out now while she can find a new bridesmaid.

450donn · Dec 11, 2008, 08:24 AM

No matter what others have already told you. Please don't take it that way. She wants things to be just perfect for "her day". It is not my place to judge her for what she has said or done in this situation. Remember that as we grow older and more mature the friends we had in high school will likely not be the same friends we have in our 30's or 40's. Plan your pregnancy and if you do get pregnant, simply plan to not be in the wedding party. Maybe best to simply tell her that since you cannot put your life on hold for her that you will be glad to attend her wedding but that you do not want to be in the wedding party. Besides who in their right mind wants one of those really ugly brides maids dresses any how?

ZoeMarie · Dec 11, 2008, 08:32 AM

You know, I always dreamed of my wedding day too, and my cousin, my matron of honor and her husband were trying to have a baby when my husband and I got engaged. She was so worried that it would interfere with the wedding and everything and you know what I told her? "they make dresses for women who are pregnant. go for it!!"

starryder6 · Dec 28, 2008, 11:11 PM

Well just an update and a thank you for everyone who gave me good advice. Yesterday my friend called me up and basically, "gave me one last chance" to change my mind about trying to have a baby before her wedding. I told her I was not going to postpone my life her day and she told me that she felt I would be too tired to be a bridesmaid and that she felt it was best if I didn't be apart of her wedding party.

So the end is this... I just saved myself a grip of money!! And I know who my true friends are... ones that realize pregnant women can do anything... like work 40 hour workweeks... and be in weddings.

starbuck8 · Dec 29, 2008, 12:35 AM

Good for you! If appearances, lame excuses, and her one day are more important than your future, and your friendship with her, you don't need to be a part of it. Best of luck to you and your husband with getting pregnant! :)

dontknownuthin · Jan 5, 2009, 11:03 PM

I'm sorry your friend is being a neandrathal about this. Her behavior is appallingly poor form and lacks a basis in reality to boot. As another person pointed out already, they do make maternity bridesmaid dresses! What do you need all this energy for anyway? To walk down an aisle one time? To attend a few luncheons? To enjoy a dinner and dance party? Silliness.

I always think it's a bad sign when a bride is so over the top about the wedding, she is willing to offend friends and relatives and the like - which shows she's forgotten about the point of it - the marriage that follows the wedding, and the need to have everyone's support to manage over the long haul!

Best wishes for a healthy and happy pregnancy - don't worry about one missed chance to spend too much money on a dress-up party for grown women!