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chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 01:50 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating officially for about 4 months, we started as friends and then eventually we turned our friendship into a relationship. Everything was perfect and I was so happy.

I'm an exotic dancer and it's always been hard to find a good guy because of this. When he came along he accepted this about me and loved me unconditionally. He was so sweet and romantic.

I noticed the change starting to happen last month. I took 1 month off work and me and my boyfriend hung out every weekend and had so much fun but now that I'm going back to work he is a MONSTER:

- He says no to everything... I can't go out with my friends, I can't keep modeling, I can';t have male friends, I can't wear certain clothes etc etc...

- He wines and complains about me going to work all the time and tells me he wants me to quit and that I'm cheating on him when I go.

- He doesn't bring around his friends anymore and won't introduce me to his family. He says his friends stare too much and that its not the right time to meet his family.

- He never pays for dates, or weed, or anything. I don't mind paying but man I'm paying every single time. That's why I have to work so much more now.

I've talked to my friends and to myself and everything says to me that he's using me and trying to control me. But then I think back to the good ol days and he was so sweet and said he would take care of me and help me become a better person. And I think he couldn't possibly want to hurt me.

What is he trying to do? Is he using me and trying to control me or is he trying to turn me into a better woman so that one day I can be his wife and meet his family?

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 02:11 PM

Ask him how does he expect you to afford anything if you quit your job. Ask him questions to make him realize how unrealistic his expectations are.

He is controlling and if you give in to him you can expect him to dictate the rest of your life.

chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 02:15 PM

I have a day job. I make pretty good money there, I could afford to live on only that job. So me saying that I need to dance to afford my life doesn't work with him...

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 02:18 PM

Oh, in that case you may have to chose between him or the job.
But realize that it isn't really about him vs the job it is about him wanting to control you what to do and therefore it will not stop at the job, friends, where you want to go, etc...

chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 02:27 PM

It seems like were in a constant battle for control. Even during our sex life. I just wish he would understand that I love him as my boyfriend and respect him as my other half. But he doesn't hear anything I say. He always throws the fact I'm a stripper in my face. He makes me feel bad. But sometimes I feel like maybe I should feel bad about dancing.

Scleros · Dec 9, 2008, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Is he using me and trying to control me or is he trying to turn me into a better woman so that one day I can be his wife and meet his family?

Who's to say what's better, especially if it isn't what YOU want to do and makes YOU happy? Do you honestly believe you're a bad woman? If so, make the change for yourself regardless of him. I think what is more likely is the high he got initially from dating an exotic dancer has faded to the realities of and the social stigmas attached to the profession, and he's having difficulty dealing with it. If he doesn't like you for you, why do you want to be with a guy like that? What he's doing is a form of emotional abuse and preying on your insecurities to boot. Tell him to grow up. If you're not good enough for Mom, he shouldn't be good enough for you.

chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 02:45 PM

I've told him that if I'm not good enough for his mom then we shouldn't be together but then I end up missing him so much. He's like my best friend. It always seems like I love him and like him more than he loves and like me. I'm not very happy with my lifestlye as a stripper. I'd much more happy being normal again but I can't just stop cold turkey. I got used to the money and I don't want him to win control completely. I feel like he's right in his attempt to try to get me to stop dancing but his attempt seems like not only is he trying to get me to stop dancing... he wants to control me too.

Scleros · Dec 9, 2008, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

... he wants to control me too.

I read some of your other posts, particularly the part about wanting someone to take care of you so you don't have to work. Achieving such an arrangement will probably require compromises to be made. One of which is likely to be that some amount of control is expected from the party paying. You may need to adjust your tolerance for traits or conditions that would tend to accompany such arrangements. What is most important to you?

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 03:14 PM

A lot depends on his attitude and you should be able to tell by that.
Like does he have an I AM the man and you will listen to me or else attitude? How does he talk to you? Is it like I would like to see this for you or is it more demands and YOU better...
Or is he open to compromise and working with what you want?

chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 03:28 PM

When it comes to me getting naked in fron tof other people there is no compromising, when I comes to me going to a club without him there is no compromising but when it comes to me doing stuff like going to my gf's house or the library or grocery store he's nice and will compromise.

chrissymarie · Dec 9, 2008, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by Scleros

What is most important to you?

I think things should be 50/50 between him and I concerning control. But household wise I would still like the man to bring home the bread while I upkeep the household eventually.

N0help4u · Dec 9, 2008, 03:31 PM

I can understand him not wanting you to do that job any more but he should have been up front with you before you got involved to the degree you are. If he is being fair and not controlling or using double standards then work with him. If he is laying down laws and controlling you might as well forget it now.

SimpleguyJoe · Dec 9, 2008, 04:02 PM

What is there to even consider in this? THINK for a minute to yourself... "Do I want a guy who is this insecure? Do I want to plan a future with a guy that has not realized that relationships are suppost to make both parties happy and only exist in the first place so that both people can pull goodness away from it and be strong for when the other needs help."

This sounds like just another case of a confused man that's to insecure to deal with his girl... He is only trying to control you because its making him feel safe and it makes him positive that you are not going to cheat on him. If he can't get his game together there is nothing worth saving here.