[ArmyCANUCKS]

Hello there everyone,

First I want to thank everyone that are reading this. This is probably the saddest day of my life. My ex, can’t believe that I have to use this word the first time, had just broken up with me yesterday. I have this sharp bitterness pain in my heart and I am almost ready to cry as I am writing this.

Anyway I am 21 yrs old and I have been in the Canadian military for almost 4 yrs now. I never had any gfs before my whole life. I was probably too shy and I had not really any lucks with girls. Last New Year, I met this girl in a club. She was the one that introduced herself to me. We find each other super attractive even now. We danced the whole night. I even went back to her place and made out with her. Since then we have been seeing each other for almost everyday. But she never wanted a relationship yet case she said that things were going great, didn’t want to change anything. I didn’t know what was the reason behind it but I didn’t care. We started to have sex at the end of January 08. Sex was great and we liked it very much. Came Valentine’s Day, I organized a great romantic date. That night after a romantic skiing date, she asked me if I would want to become official that day, and I agreed. One of the happiest day of my life was that day. We still kept seeing each other a lot and never got bored.

My girlfriend had just turned 22 a few months ago, she is exactly 6 months older than me. She had always dated older guys before. She had around 5 bfs before, but only 1 or 2 those were serious. She had only fallen in love twice in her life. And our relationship was the second longest that she ever had.

She always wanted to be an Esthetician, she paid 20, 000 for a school a couple yrs back. But she was never able to find a job related to that for almost 3 yrs. I work in a military base that is located in a small city, and my base is only 15 min drive from her place, so it is very convenient for us to meet and hang out.

She only hangs out with her cousin, aunt and uncle occasionally. She dosen’t hang out with guys at all. She would tell me everything that I asked her, even stuff that would make me mad. That is really good case I don’t have to worry about her, I can trust her with all my heart. She trust me dearly, too. Because I only hang out with my army buddies once or twice every month, no other girls. One thing though. I am always the one that phone her for dates, she had only phoned me around 5 % of the times to initiate hanging out with me. But I didn’t mind because most of the time she hangs out with me if I ask her to.

We had ours ups and downs, but nothing major. A couple months since we date, she told me that the reason that she waited for 1.5 months before we became official was because she was not sure if she was still in love with her ex. And she only wanted a casual relationship. But I didn’t care. Our 6 month adversary was just amazing. The happiest day of my life was that day. I rented a nice private chalet with Jet-spa hot tub. We were naked the whole time when we were there, we had sex for 4 times, it was just amazing. We exchange gifts. At the end of the night, I told her that I love her, she told me that she was sorry because she wasn’t ready to say it back. I said it’s OK. A month later, she moved to a new apartment, and since then we only hang out around 3 times week. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it and our relationship was still good.

Last month, a saloon finally hired her, and her dream job came to her. We were both excited for each other. Then she didn’t want to hang out with me as much, I just thought maybe she was too stressed out for working two jobs at the same time. For the last two and half weeks, she didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought it’s because of job related issue again. Then last Sunday, she said she had something in her mind but she wasn’t ready to share yet.

The night before last night, we were talking on msn and I was making plans with her for last night and she didn’t want to hang out with me. So I asked her why she didn’t want to see me. Then she said we needed to talk. So I phoned her right away and talked on the phone. She explained that something is going on wrong between us and I deserve a girl that can hang out with me more often. She said work is her priority right now.

I told her that I want to talk to her about this face to face so I picked her up from work last night. And we went for a nice dinner. Everything seems normal except deep down inside our hearts, we knew something is coming. And I prayed to God that we would not break up. We didn’t have any fights for a long time, and everything was normal in my point of view.

We went back to her place and sat on a couch by each other. She told me:

1.) The reason that she didn’t want to hang out as much was that she wanted more time to think about why we she wasn’t happy with the relationship anymore. She thought it was because of her PMS or period. But she came to conclusion that it wasn’t the case.

2.) She hates the city we are living in right now. She wanted to save up as much money as possible so she can move to a different city. And she said she wouldn’t factor me into her future because her job comes first. She wants to get experience on her job right now and move to a better one in a bigger city.

3.) She is not ready to settle yet. She said she is only 22 yrs old. And she said the fact we have dating for almost a year really scares her. The relationship has gone long enough, she said it’s time to make decision if she was ready to settle with me but she won’t want to. She didn’t say it but I always know that she does not love me. Yeah it really hurts because she always think that I am an awesome boyfriend and I don’t need to improve on anything. She said that she dosen’t use the love word lightly. She said that she knew I love her because just my actions could prove it already. But the bottom line is that I never won her love, I feel like a loser just thinking about that.

4.) She said the she always wanted a casual relationship when we met. But it was a mistake that we started dating. She thought we had became too serious lately. She said she is going to be working almost everyday now, even weekends to save up money. And relationship would be the least important thing for her at the moment. She can only care about herself. And she said it would not be fair for me because I deserve better.

5.) She said that I always planned my plans around her or include her in it. But she would never plan something around me. I always give her rides to work. I help her a lot in her life, but she hated all that because she dosen't want to feel like she needs my help. I told her that I enjoy helping you, but she said she is too stubborn to understand. She always wanted a casual relationship in the beginning but it has gone too deep and serious. And it’s too late to change to casual one because she said it won’t work now.

This was all shock to me, I didn’t see this coming, and she was shocked that I didn’t know this was coming. All I know lately is that she hasn’t been as happy, but we like each other a lot. And enjoy hanging out together and even just watching TV shows together.

I told her that I don’t mind what’s going to happen. I told her if we can keep our relationship going for another 4 weeks, then we can decide again. I asked her 3 times if she could just give us 4 more weeks. But she declined it because her decision will be the same. And then she said, “I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU!” :( Tears started rolling down her face when she said it. It was the harshest words being said to me the first time. I couldn’t believe it was over. She said she was really sorry that this had to happen, she said if we drag on longer, it would have be more painful. She asked me if we could still be friends. I said of course because she is the closest person to me in this city. She also said that one day in the future we may be together again, but at the moment it’s not the right moment. She said very soon I will forget about her and think that she is not worth it at all. She said I am going to be more happy with a different girl than her.

We then cuddled for 10 min while she was still crying, then when she walked me to the door, we hugged 5 times and make out 5 times.

All I know is that I should try to get over this real quick. But I don’t know how I am going to do it. And at the end of this month, I will try to get her back. I just have to because I love her. Or should I ask for a casual relationship with her.

I feel so empty and vulnerable since last night. This is almost like the end of the world right now. I don’t know what to do. I was only able to get a 2 hrs of good sleep. Kept waking up and feeling that I would never be happy for a long long time.

Please I would really want some advice from you guys. I have lost all my appetite, I can barely concentrate at work. I have no more energy left in me. I really can’t wait to go home and cry and let it all out. I have no close friends here to hang out with right now because I am away from home. How can I stop this sad pain in my heart.

I am sorry if I wrote too much here. I really have no one to talk to right now. Thanks in advance for helping me out.

[Alty]

Breaking up with someone is never easy, and being broken up with is even harder. It hurts, but we've all been there or will be sometime in our lives.

She did do you a favor by ending it now. If she know that you two don't have a future then continuing the relationship wouldn't be fair to either one of you.

I don't like the fact that she gave you a bit of hope by saying that maybe one day you two will be together again. I don't think she meant it, but just said it to soften the blow, but you did take it to heart and that's not fair.

Being friends when one person is in love with the other isn't possible. I don't think you'll ever be happy with just friendship from her, and as long as you still believe there's hope, you won't move on with your life.

No contact is the best thing to do at this time. No emails, no calls, no chatting on MSN. You can tell her that you need time to get over her and that talking to her right now would not make that easy.

You are at the beginning of a tough road but it will get easier with time. The important thing now is to accept that this relationship is over, give yourself some time to mourn and then slowly get yourself back on track.

I know that you don't believe this right now, but one day it won't hurt anymore and you'll meet someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Good luck.

[wolfgangqpublic]

She seems like a good girl, and most of the information she told you during the break-up explains the situation to you. She's relatively young, and is not prepared to be in a life-track relationship. She's been burned in the past, and therefore is very leery about being hurt again. It seems that she previously had very limited motivation to set her life in order, and feels as though she is playing catch up. You were probably a wonderful part of her life, but she's just not at a stage of her life or maturity where she is ready for that degree of commitment. The desire for a casual relationship so openly at the start of the relationship was evidence that this was unlikely ever to work out.

But I think it's safe to say that you've learned plenty of valuable things about women, relationships and yourself in the interim, no?

[kctiger]

It hurts man, but that is how you know it was real. I know how you feel. Go home early if you can, and just cry it out. Sometimes the best thing to do is just let it all out. There are going to be stages you go through while dealing with this, so this is just the beginning. Believe me when I tell you it does get better, and you are not different. I came on here in tears a couple of months ago, and I consider myself a pretty strong person. You aren't alone in any of this! Read the stickies on the forum and vent as much as you need to, do not hold anything in. Everyone here is or has gone through this, so nothing to be ashamed of!

Like the above poster said, you CANNOT contact her right now. It is time for emotional detox. So... get rid of everything that reminds you of her (yes, I know that literally everything you see or hear will remind you of her, so get rid of the tangible things you have). You cannot talk to her right now in the right mind frame, and that is fine. Worry about yourself and getting your baggage together. Just know that it is going to pass, but it will take a lot of time!! Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss. It sucks, but it is NOT the end of the world. The future is out there, waiting for you to claim it. Believe that!

[TrueFaith]

Hey man.. yeah its tough! Isn't it

when I was your age. I was with this amazing girl. (I thought) all the time I had another thought in my head.

a real relationship

all she had in her head was ( a bit of fun)

I should saw the signs. Which was. She never wanted to be my girfrend in the first place. And she acted much like your girl did.

but I was do love struck to notice the red flags.
but hey we live and learn from our mistakes. And it sounds like you had a great time with her.

Now as with all break ups we feel there is hope at the end. No matter who we are.
but trust me holding on to hope will only making the healing that much harder and longer.

you want to go to No contact
and start doing things on your own
she made it clear that you will never come first in her life
and do you really want to be with someone. That is like that?:

I think not. You should be with a women that wants to be with you. And makes her plans around with you. An 50/50 % relationship
not a 10/90 % which is what I read

I'm sorry this had to happen breakups are just awful. We feel we will never find another girl. No one is like her.
I will never love again. Lalala

but trust me on this. That is not the case!
just be happy that a new door has opened in your life.

9 months after I broke up with my x I meet this wonderful women
and I was the worst. At that age
I was so stuck on my X ;) it was not even funny.

I wish you all the best man be strong
you will get threw this

[slapshot_oi]

Yeah, everything she says points to "I was just looking to get laid".

These vermin are out there, and they usually troll bars and parties looking for studs to take home, and as you already know, chicks like this make lousy girlfriends. They're only satisfied in relationships with pain, I bet that one kid she loved treated her like sh*t.

But now you know better, when another one of these gremlins crosses your path, you can either choose not to get involved, or give her a taste of her own medicine.

And yeah, do not try and get her back.

[Alty]

Yeah, everything she says points to "I was just looking to get laid".

These vermin are out there, and they usually troll bars and parties looking for studs to take home, and I'm sorry to say but chicks like this make lousy girlfriends. They're only satisfied in relationships with pain, so if you're a good guy, you're not the one for her.

But now you know better, when another one of these gremlins crosses your path, you can either choose not to get involved, or give her a taste of her own medicine.

Wow, you sure don't have a very high opinion of women.

Vermin? Gremlins? Chicks? I take offence to all of that.

They dated for a year, she was honest with him and let him go because she knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

You are assuming a lot, you do know what happens when you assume, right?

Just because you've been hurt doesn't mean that all women are vermin. Sometimes a breakup happens when neither person is in the wrong.

Your advice is horrendous.

[talaniman]

Its okay to cry and get it out. You've been hurt. The others are right though, except slap shot, you will learn from this and move forward with your life with time. That first break up sucks big time, they all do, to tell the truth. At least we learn how to cope with our pain, but it still sucks.

[ArmyCANUCKS]

Thank you all very much for the helpful comments and points. I am learning a lot from you guys.

I cried during lunchtime and my heart felt so much better afterwards. I know this is something that I shouldn’t have done. I phoned my ex to go to this Christmas Party with me because I was part of the organizer. And a week ago she said she would come, but Wed night she said she wouldn’t. My ex phoned me back and said she would go the party with me only if I would go watch Twilight in the theatre with her afterwards. So I agreed.

I picked her up and we kissed in the car and I was driving to the party. She said this is kind of good that we hang out because it is like a closure. Then she asked if I cried and she wanted an honest answer. I said I did during my lunch break. I asked her if she did, she said she cried the night after I left and on her way walking to work on the morning. I kept thinking in my head why why why? Why is she doing this to us and obviously she still care about me and the relationship. When we arrived, I introduced her to my co-workers. And we had so much fun. We won prizes and we had good pot luck food.

We arrived at the theater. She wouldn’t let me buy the tickets. During the movie, I was touching her from time to time, she didn’t push me away but she wouldn’t let me touch her hand. She didn’t initiate conversation at all during the movie. But spending time with her made my night a lot better. I walked her to her place and I grabbed some of my stuff from her fridge. When I left we hugged a few times. I tried to kiss her 3 times, she gave me 3 quick ones. We thanked each other for the fun we had and it was true, we had a lot of fun.

Then I drove back to my place. I didn’t feel sad or anything at all last night. I slept for 10 hrs and didn’t wake up until 10:30 this morning. I woke up a few times in the morning thinking about her. And then fall back asleep. I even had a long fun dream with her in it with me. I still think about her constantly today. My appetite is still not so good when I was eating my brunch. I don’t feel the bitterness inside my heart anymore. I tried to tell myself that she is not worth it for me, but it just dosen’t work. I know when I go back to my place tonight, I will be sad again for sure because I won’t be able to concentrate on gaming video games when all I can think of is her. I will probably go clubbing by myself tonight to take my mind of things, maybe I will meet some new friends. I highly doubt if rebound would work for me because I still care and respect my ex a lot. I don’t know what am I going to do tomorrow and Sunday when I don’t have to go to work. Like I feel so lazy and depressed sometimes that I can’t even perform my daily routine.

I want to know if casual dating would work between us because the real relationship would not work for us. Like some of you said that friendship won’t work if one of us is still in love. Now what if I waited for both of us to get over it, then I asked her if she want a casual relationship. Would that work on our case? I really don’t mind a casual relationship with her at all.

Thanks again for all the help ladies and gentlemen.

[kctiger]

No, that wouldn't work. The only reason you would want to 'casually date' her is because you still have feelings for her. Once you get over her, you shouldn't have any type of desire to date her again. Usually, anyway. Do not stay friends, and move on like she is not in your life anymore...

[artlady]

I agree with all of the above comments(sans one) so I am responding to your second post.

Have you ever heard the expression*you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube*?

Essentially that means you can't go backwards in a relationship.

You are grabbing at straws here my friend and are willing to sacrifice your own true happiness for the few *favors* from this girl.On her terms and at your expense.

It will never work.You can't half step when it comes to love.

It sounds great in theory but in practice it never works.

You have to make a clean break... cold turkey. You can't wean yourself from this relationship.

She will be getting what she always wanted*that casual relationship* and you will be left playing the fool ,always wanting more.

Maybe she just wants to keep you around for all that you do for her.

It is never easy to break up ,a broken heart really does feel broken but with time and commitment on your part you can survive it.

You must grieve,so do your crying and then you will most likely get mad and then after a time you will say*she lost out* because you sound as if you were a very good BF.

Bottom line.. my advice is to sever all ties and move on. I promise you if you are committed to finding happiness again ,you will !

Many Blessings!

[shykitte]

You said that she was your first girlfriend; and you had many firsts in this relationship. And of course, so many beautiful memories.
All those are bound to make a strong impression on you, as you have no precedent, no previous experience to draw from in order to deal with this now.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way you expected. From both your posts, it looks like your ex-gf does not feel the same way you do. She is trying hard to be a good friend and NOT to hurt you more. It does not look at all like she is in love with you anymore, but only that she is being caring and friendly.

When she asked if you were crying and to tell her the truth, it shows that she cares about you. When she said that she was crying, it shows that she is sad for you, for hurting you; but NOT sad for letting go of you.
If she was sad about that, if she really wanted you, there is NO way she would let go of you even if she moved across the world to another continent ~ because if someone really wanted to make a relationship work, they would be committed to doing that in spite of life changing decisions.

But by being nice and friendly with you and hanging out with you, she is trying to slowly wean you off being in love with her.
I don't know if that would help you. It works with some people, and not with others. Only you can decide how to stop being in love with her.

Love is not just about how good/happy we feel when we love someone, its also about how good/happy the other person feels also. You would not be happy or satisfied in a relationship with someone who does not does not love you as passionately as you love her.

I would recommend - like others have in this thread - that you stay away from her for a little while. Its not going to be easy. If she contacts you, you'll feel like spending time together and also making out. That won't help you a bit - and it definitely WILL NOT bring her back for you. If you think you cannot tell her no, ask her to leave you alone and give you some time to get over her - as has been suggested by others who posted here. If you can, get involved in something else - maybe a sport you like, or a hobby; or try something new that you always wanted. Let yourself grieve, it is good for you. Then eventually, you'll feel better. And then you can look back and think of all the good things you learned and experienced from this relationship.

Once you're ready, you'll meet other girls... but take it easy and don't jump into anything soon. Some day you'll be sure to meet someone wonderful; and trust me, it will be a better and more rewarding relationship.

[ArmyCANUCKS]

Hey guys, I can't take you all how much I appreciate your time to write and help me out. I have be trying really hard to follow your advice. I haven't talk to her on msn or on the phone since last Thursday night. I went out clubbing Friday and Saturday nights, try to take my mind off things and hopefully meet a nice lady. But unfortunately the girls around this town are just not the right girls to be girlfriend with. They are mostly single moms, or girls that are bar stars who like to smoke cigarattes, pot and drink. I personlly don't do any of the above except for drinking casually. So when I was there at the club and bars on the weekend. I can't even see any potential girl that I want to talk to or make a move. Maybe that's the reason why my ex is still always on my mind. I even started working out in the gym yesterday to tried myself out. When I wake up in the morning, I can't go back to sleep at all, because I know it's over between me and my girlfriend. Dosen't matter how hard I try to make myself clear that there's no hope, but hope seems to be stuck in my head at any point during the day.

I always get mad at myself because a couple times a day, I would check on her Facebook status and see if she is online at msn. She changed her Facebook reigion to a different city. The problem is, there is nothing that can take my mind off my girlfriend. When I looked at the 300 pics with me and her in it, it makes me happy actually. It's not healthy but I can't stop myself. I just feel very lazy and I have no drive in me anymore. I don't know if I will be able to find another relationship anytime soon. It is so hard to find a nice girl around here especially one that is around my age.

Is there any other ways that can help me to forget about her completely? 2008 has been my favourite year until December which had turned into the most depressed time of my life. I always hope that I can go back to exactly a year ago. And that I won't fall in love her. I am a soldier, but I never would have thought that I can have tough times going through a breakup.

[kctiger]

First of all, you need to get rid of every picture you have of her. You cannot get someone out of your mind if you surround yourself constantly with reminders of the two of you. You also need to get out of the Facebook world. De friend her or block yourself from logging on. You should not be going onto that website. That alone will cause you a lot of pain, trust me. It is going to take time and effort, and your effort right now is about 50%. Do you really think you will get over someone by constantly looking at pics of you two? NO!

[talaniman]

It is so hard to find a nice girl around here especially one that is around my age.

When your ready, you'll figure out what you want is not in a bar. Ever hear the saying, "looking for love in all the wrong places".

Start building a life that you enjoy, and take responsibility for your own happiness, and quite looking for someone to make you happy.

[siandjas]

Don't causually date. Face reality. The way your feeling right now would probably get 100 times worse if you ever found out she was "causually" dating another guy. Get her out of your mind by staying away from her don't call her and don't answer her calls if she calls you. And most importantly if she does call you and leave3 a voice mail message... Delete it right away and don't listen to it. If she leaves you a rude hurtful message it will drive you crazy and then you will want to call her back to find out why she said the things she said. It's not worth the hurt move on and remember that there are thousands of other people going through the same thing but worse. Good luck and expand your sexual horizons and have a 1 night stand or 4. It will help you get your mind off things and allow you to experiment with all of the sex techniques you learned with your ex girlfriend. Seriously dude... Don't call her and don't listen to her calls!!

[shykitte]

There really is no shortcut or easy way out of it, unfortunately. You have to use your own will power to help yourself. Eventually you'll stop being so obsessed about her... but it may take some time. The good thing is that there are plenty of people here you can write to and vent your frustrations on, and that itself helps so much!

[neverme]

Hey,

The advice all these guys are giving you is great and I don't even think I can elaborate on it really.

Just read your post and wanted to say that my heart truly goes out to you. You deserve someone who will appreciate the man you are. Try to believe and remember that.

[ArmyCANUCKS]

Hey guys, I just want to thank all those that has helped me in tough times. I have been very happy for a while because exactly a month ago this day I met an amazing girl. It's funny, I met her in a different bar. Anyway this girl is way hotter than my ex in both looks and body. But what I like the most is the fact that we like each other equally. We have so much in common, there is never silence when we are together. She will phone me a lot too. And she will do anything that I suggest. We even played PS 3 for couple hours together. All my friends couldn't believe that a hot girl will actually play video games with a guy. :) And they are happy for me.

Basically during Christmas break until 2nd week of January, me and my friends went out every weekend to take my mind of my ex. They will point at the fat girls in clubs and tell me to go for them as a rebound. I always have standard and I believe that the right girl will come if I wait for it patiently which it did.

As for my ex. We are still good friends and we hang out a lot since we broke up. The first few times we hang out, she started crying in the middle of some deep conversation. I told her about the new girl that I am seeing. She asked how I could manage to see someone so soon. She didn't even go out clubbing or trying to meet new guys because she still hasn't got over me yet. She said she dosen't even know if she can bring a guy back to her place without thinking of me. She said she can't bare the thought of me kissing another girl. She felt like she has been replaced. Then she apologize that by saying that she has no business in my life and choices as she was the one who wanted to end the relationship.

Last night I talked to her, she said she needs some time apart, she feels that every time we hang out, we tend to be so comfortable, its like back to the old good days, but as we kiss good night to each other, she knows that I will seeing my other girl within the next 24 hrs. And that she can never have me back, its feels like we are breaking up again every time when we finish hanging out. It's messing with her brain. I have been cuddling with her every time I see her, and we kiss sometimes. And she seems to enjoy it. But someday she will not be interested. She is so weird.

We got into an argument one time. I told her that I am glad that you dump me, otherwise I would have never found this great girl that I have now. She got really mad at me. Then I told her after all I have done and care about our relationship. You freaking suddenly end it one day. You didn't try to talk about it with me first, and you made no effort to keep the relationship going. And I asked you to give us 4 weeks to rethink that. You said no and you have to end it. I told her that she is the one the fuked up big time, not me. I would have still love you if you were being so inconsiderate. And I can tell that she knew she made a mistake of breaking up with me. Because I guess girls are like this, when the ex boyfriend finds a hot girl right now, they just get jealous, thinking that this guy must a magnet, now I lost him to someone else.

For some reason this makes me feel better that she is so hurt right now. Maybe I just think she deserves this as she has been a pretty bad girlfriend to me at times and the main reason is because she did break my heart. I was very hurt for the whole December, that's why I want revenge which I got it. And I got over it, and I have a great girl that I enjoy seeing now.

[BrentNumber1]

It's good to hear that you are feeling better after a month's time but I can't say that I think you're doing the right thing. You say the new girl is all that and a bag of chips but yet you continue to hang with the ex and its obvious you haven't really let go. The poor new girl is just a pawn in some sort of power game you are playing with the ex. You may be getting your revenge but at what cost? I think it may be time to step back and look at your actions. Sounds a lot like you're lashing out and hurting two people just because you got hurt. Just my 2 cents.