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nobabes · Dec 7, 2008, 09:22 AM

I 25yrs old, finishing university and have a place in a company, where there is a lot of prospect.

I have been with my partner for 8 years.

I have been told that its expected I have fertility problems, due to blocked tubes and until its investigated further it could be anything between easy or impossible to fix.

My dilemma is that I'm not sure whether I should focus on my career or get cracking on the family.

I don't want to be inexperienced in my line of work when I'm older,but then I don't want to be in my 30s and just starting to have a family.

Plus, I actually find the thought of becoming a mother terrifying!

Does anyone else feel like this, or had to make these decisions?

Thanks

N0help4u · Dec 7, 2008, 09:30 AM

You say you are terrified of being a mother? Why?
I think that would answer a lot of what you should do.
If you are terrified because you really do not like children then you really don't have a difficult decision here.

Duplicate >?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ly-289369.html

nobabes · Dec 7, 2008, 09:52 AM

Just terrified because of the change and losing the allowance to be selfish

Surely other women find it scary?

I think I still would feel the same in twenty years time though, the thought that someone completely relies on you.

I haven't really spent a lot of time with kids, but surely that doesn't condemn me to... shouldnt have kids?

templelane · Dec 7, 2008, 10:02 AM

I feel like you do, I'm a similar age and the thought of being pregnant and having chidren makes me feel physically sick.

Having something growing inside me! Yuck! And then it has to come out from where?!

It doesn't help that everybody seems to be popping sprogs at the moment!

I am also in a position where having children would pretty much be the end of my career.

OK maybe I'm being a little melodramatic but just wanted you to know your not alone.

N0help4u · Dec 7, 2008, 10:02 AM

Well you have to decide which means more to you ''being selfish'' or one day looking back and wishing you had a baby younger.
I think it is better if you establish a foot hold on your career and then have a baby because I had my babies and now I am treated like I am too old and inexperienced to be considered for a job. They would rather hire somebody young with no experience.
BUT with your fertility problem you may just want to let whatever happens happen and leave it to fate. Take the job, get maternity leave if and when you are pregnant and even if you end up having to quit you have a job reference for when you are ready to pick your career back up.
Since Clinton's Presidency you are granted a maternity leave/medical leaves and have so much time to return to the job.

If this company is a good paying job and you don't mind day care or can work a schedule with your husband or somebody to take care of the baby while you are at work that is something else to consider.

DoulaLC · Dec 7, 2008, 12:47 PM

You have even greater flexibility with antenatal and maternity leave in Scotland.
It may not have to be an either or situation... maybe plan to be in the career for a few years, get established and have some networking in place, then look at your options again at that time. Perhaps your field would allow for flex-time, part-time, or job sharing which would allow you to stay involved in your line of work but still be home with a child more. Maybe the business you work in will offer onsite child care so that you can work but spend breaks with your child. You might find a position that allows you to work from home most of the time. There are numerous options sometimes.
You might find you absolutely love your career and decide having children is not something you feel a desire for. After a few years, you may find that while you love your career, you develop a strong desire to have a child. No way to predict.
You could have some of initial testing done now just to find out exactly what fertility issues you may or may not be looking at and what, if anything, may be available that you would benefit from. In a few years times, they will likely have even greater fertility options available if the need is there.
What thoughts on the topic does your partner have?

nobabes · Dec 8, 2008, 11:24 AM

He is the quiet and subtle type, but has mentioned (which is hinting) that we should get married soon because we should be married before we have kids.
I know him better than me and I know that means he would be happy to have kids now. He's just not very expressive, and before anyone says you two need to communicate and sit down and talk. That's exactly what we do, its just unfortunately like drawing blood.

As for my line of work, its not very child friendly, I work out on site as a construction engineer and although times are changing, it is stilla very male orientated world.

They expect career before family

NeedKarma · Dec 8, 2008, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by nobabes

I dont want to be inexperienced in my line of work when im older,but then i dont want to be in my 30s and just starting to have a family.

My wife and I had our first child when she was 33 and she is a lawyer. All is currently working out well for us and our 2 kids. :) I'm a big proponent of having children a little later in life.

DoulaLC · Dec 8, 2008, 01:32 PM

Since he is interested, and you aren't totally opposed, maybe discuss getting a start in your career and revisit the idea of children in a couple of years time. You will have laid the groundwork and built a network of contacts in that time, allowing you to ease back into it at a later time if you so choose to.
Obviously many people juggle family and career and it would take some extra effort on your partner's part to help things go smoothly, but that is part of being a parent and partner anyway.
Good luck in whatever direction you decide on!