[piranakisses]

Ok, first things first. I am in love with my husband, always have and always will be. In every way, I feel right with the world and complete. So this is very hard to discuss, and I'm still debating whether to even attempt to wrap my head around this.

Histroy: We got married young and fast, had a baby girl a year later and then another year later he's off depolyed with ANG. I'm currently 9 months pregnant with another beautiful girl, and I miss him so much. (He'll be home in 7 months) Things haven't been easy for us the past year and a half. But we did our best and went to marriage counseling at our local church. We both knew by then that rushing into marriage and parenthood was not the wisest decision on our part, but no use in shoulda/woulda/coulda. We wanted both our girls, they were planned with love.

He's been gone since June, but I was supposed to visite him in August (last month of training before deployment). Things were fine between us or so I thought. A month before my visite I don't hear a word from him. Then literally days before I fly out he emails me that he doesn't think I should come and he's filed for divorce. Not just that, but he's been miserable for the past 6-7 months. (mind you, during that said time he and I both decided to get pregnant again!) He was actually happy about all this and I guess he just assumed I'd be too? Omg! It sent me into the hospital with high blood pressure and contractions! I was inconsulable.

So, I did go anyway with our daughter and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. After some talking, he said that I was supposed to be on the pill and that this new baby was my fault, on top of how he wants to find himself. He felt conflicted, who he is with me and our family and who he is with his new found friends in the military/life style. He was no longer in love with me and that he only wants to see his girls on holidays at most. Sure enough, I am devastated and say go if you want but I don't want this, I love you. Finally he says, OK me neither.

Fast forward to now, I asked him recently when he came home for his 2 week R&R if things were still the same. Nope. He actually begged me to let him go... again. He's only sticking around this long because he knows leaving will disappoint both our families. I asked why leave, he said he still feels that being who he is now versus's who he is once he's home cannot be one in the same. (Going out, partying, vs. staying home with me and the girls) I told him that if there's still a small part of him that loves me, we can and should build on that and that he can still be independent while being married with children. Why throw all of this away because you believe that abandoning us will make you happy? (Personally, I think he feels that the grass is greener on the other side. Once he realise's it isn't it'll be too late, and I don't want that kind of mistake happening for our sake and for the sake of our children.)

A part of me is exhausted with my emotions constantly being yo-yoed. One second I love you, next I don't want you or the girls. Now it's just "lemme go live my life". You don't know what you've got until it's gone... I'm not sure what to do. I'm due Dec. 19th, and I don't feel that any drastic decisions need to be made until he's returned from active duty for good. I wish he'd give me a better excuse. Maybe he'll realise that what he's doing now is only temporary. Unless of course my worst fear is that he's fallen for someone else, it would make sense then. (I'll explain later)

Sorry for such a long post.

[piranakisses]

Anything! Por favor! I feel like such an idiot I keep scrolling this forum, it's sad really. I want any kind of answer, maybe not the end all kind but something to chew on. To reflect. Or even to just go lol at.

[jenna25]

Hey... This is a lot. I feel for you considering what you have been through, what you are going through and especially being 9 months pregnant now. First and foremost you need to focus on this beautiful babygirl you are bringing into this world. Secondly, this is your husband and if he wants to be with you, he will. If he doesn't, then sadly he doesn't know what he has. Sometimes men don't know the importance of the things that really matter in life. You cannot force him to be with you, nor can you force him to love you. Both of you have to come to a resolution for your marriage and for your family. Some things take time, and I hope in this case he needs time to understand that his family needs him.

[piranakisses]

I agree that "men don't know the importance of the things that really matter in life" completely. But his ignorance is no excuse to just give it all away. It's breaking my heart honestly, how can some one love you so much to take vows, and then build a family on that, to then regret it all so suddenly and give it up?

I pray that by the time he gets back, reality will wake him up. I know he misses life when it was just the two of us and he's made it crystal clear that it's been difficult for him to become who he is today, but I swear he wanted this too! Marriage, home, family. I can't get pregnant by myself, and I never had a clue that things were this bad...

I fear that the only reason things haven't had a "resolution" is because I think he wants my blessing. He wants me to be OK with it all, some how make his decision mine also. But I just can't give up on loving him all of the sudden. I'm not the one who fell out of love. If he wants to leave, then be my guest. But If he wants me to be OK with it, hell no.

In the end, he made no promises when he returns. It's tearing me apart, this is all a bit too much to bare. I feel like I'm just waitig for the axe to drop. Am I the only one going through this?

[zawatska]

Aw honey I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a smart, strong woman. Can I ask how young you both were when you got married?

This kind of thing hasn't happened to me, but to my Aunt. Her husband went into the Marines and thought the partying, drinking, and the friendships were more important. Don't let yourself wait until he decides what he wants... don't let him do this to you. I would say screw him... he isn't keeping your best interest, or HIS children's best interests in heart. He needs to grow up. Act like it doesn't bother you... although it really does, shake it off and make him realize you can live without him... he may be testing you... U think?

[Forgiveme]

As a man I think he his blinded by his fears, doubts and preconcieved ideas. He is in the army and he probably thinks he can't be the man he needs to be for you or your family because he has started a career in the army. He probably is thinking he will lose you anyway because he will be away so much and you will probably run off with another man. He is scared of something and you should try writing a humble letter reassuring him you will be by his side no matter what. The back and forth that he is doing is a sign of confusion. He is definitely dealing with some emotional issues right now. And most important, Pray on the situation. Humbling ourselves and putting the other's person needs before our own can resurrect a relationshipthat has suffered mortal wounds. If he really does want to get a divorce don't let it destroy you , but let it give you strength. Sometimes we look at what's wrong with the picture instead of what's right. Maybe if you stay together the marriage can destroy who you are as a person. My prayers are with you. GOD BLESS.

[piranakisses]

I was 18 and he just turned 20 when we got married. It's kind of common in the military to marry young I guess. Our thoughts on it at the time was "when you know, you know!"

The most common answer I see on these forums is giving him space. Well, hell he has plenty of it being on the other side of the world. He only emails me when he's lonely/curious about the family which is rare.

I have made it well known that I'm here always, not only because I love him and we have children together but also because war can be stressful on anyone. I don't expect him to be 100% all right in the head but this is getting to be almost impossible to deal. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I feel manic sometimes, like I can't live without him. Believe me I'm not afraid of a life without my husband, I know what I'm capable of and it'll all be OK if he goes. But it's extremely hurtful to even fathom you're losing the love of your life for what seems to be no real secure reason. He knows that I'll fight if he fights, I cannot just give up on my best friend and lover so easily.

I tell him I love him but don't want him to stay because of pressure or guilt or fear, yet there is something holding him back but just barely. Should I just give him what he wants, make it easier on him and by doing so breaking my own heart? His family seems to feel that he needs to stick it out and just deal. To me that can lead to him looking for happiness outside the marriage and God knows I'm not going through that again.

I'm in disbelief, shocked and unable to fully understand my own feelings. What is the best solution for our situation? Separation, divorce, staying together even though one wants to go and hoping for a miracle?

[lmnotok]

I think you should accept what he said. Because people change over time. He is now is so different from him at 20. I think its just his stage of development. You guys both stole the time that was supposed to discover-who-we-are. Maybe you were the right person for him. But it was not the right time to get married. But you did, that's why it created misery later on.
Just let him be himself when he said things changed. Maybe he falls in love with someone else, maybe he just stops loving you. You can't make him love you again. All that you can do is to accept that this man will no longer in your life soon and focus on your kids and yourself.
Hoping, wishing... doesn't solve the problem. I also agree with FORGIVEME when he said that you should let it give you strength, not to destroy you. You don't want your kids to experience what's called "unhappy family" if you tried to tie him to what's socalled responsibility to kids/family.

My dad was like that when he was young, my mom just let him go and soon enough, he came back, not because he realized the "grass is greener on the other side" but because he found himself, and developed to become a mature man.

So just let him go and take this time to develop yourself to become a strong woman. Maybe someday he'll be back OR you'll find another wonderful man.

[zawatska]

Good post Imnotok- but why should she take him back if so he decides to leave, and eventually realizes he made a "mistake"? That is a pretty huge mistake... the kids shouldn't have to go through that. He needs to either stay, or go. Hes on the fence right now... he must be confused... and pirana, what do u mean you don't want to go through it again? When did he find happiness outside the marriage? Did he cheat in the past, or are you just referring to him finding happiness in the military?

[talaniman]

Let him go, and make a good life, full of love, for your children. Make sure he pays his child support, and carries insurance for his babies.

Sorry for your loss, but trying to force someone to do what they don't want to, makes things worse.

It will be hard, so make sure you have the love, and support of friends, and family around you.

[ktkingster]

Same type of thing just happened to me.. my fiancé called off the wedding and took my dog and apartment claiming he didn't love me anymore and he needed to be on his own. I am letting him go. How well do you know your husband? Will he really be able to stand it if you just cut him off? I have a feeling mine won't.. therefore the only way I can find out if it was meant to be is to give him some space. If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it is truly yours, if it doesn't it never was.