[Bambolicious]

I don't know if anyone can give me any advice. I split with my boyfriend about a month ago and I now miss him. I feel so lonely sometimes that I think about getting back with him but he is abusive and attacked me physically in quite a scary way last month and that's why I ended it with him. I feel so low, so old and hopeless on my own that I am considering going back to him. Logically I know it's a bit mad as he just constantly criticises me and makes me do stuff for him all the time. He is entirely selfish but he is trying to seek help now. I am certain he has some kind of mental health problem but he also has a sweet innocent side to him.
I'm 37 and I would love to have a child but could only do that in a safe environment. For some reason I find it incredibly hard to meet men. I am able to socialise but I'm a quietish type and though I have no right to be I am very fussy about who I like. I am hardly popular myself though. Also being 37 and when I go out being surrounded by so many beautiful young people it feels like an impossible task to meet someone new. I hate so much to be alone and friends don't seem to make up for the lack of a relationship with me and lack of a family. I spend most nights crying myself to sleep but if you were to meet me you wouldn't know I act happy enough but my life isn't what I wanted it to be. For me the most important things are family and relationships and without either my life seems really quite pointless, dull and empty. Is my ex boyfriend a better alternative than this as just having him with me means I manage to keep my head above water loneliness wise. Can anyone suggest anything for me thanks in advance :confused:

[kctiger]

You need to learn to love yourself! You don't need anyone else to make you happy. That is a fact of life, and until you can do this NO relationship will be sufficient and very long. I didn't even read your story, just your title. NEVER go back to an abusive relationship. Be alone and learn to love YOU!! Your happiness is inside you, and it is up to YOU to find it. No other person has the key to it. Only you do.

[roxypox]

I agree with KC, you should not go back to an abusive relationship! Even if you're feeling lonely at the moment. He is not worth your time!

You should spend some time on your own and learn to love yourself! I think (really, just my opinion on the matter) that often, when you suffer from low self asteem it seems to be very easy to attract the wrong type of people . It might be worth it if you spend some time on your own and get reconnected with who you are, what you want and the things you like. Spend some time with friends, people who love you and care about you.

And once you're self asteem improves; then you can look for that special someone.

There might be some good ways of improving your shyness when it comes to that area (i.e. dating)

I'm totally with you when it comes to bringing a child into a bad relationship, it'll just make matters worse and you will be stuck with that person for the rest of your life and there might be some sever consequences for a child to be brought into an abusive relationship.

[friend4u178]

When you are used to be in a relationship it's normal to feel lonely for a time afterwards..

You left this guy for a reason and if you go back it will just be the same , do you really want to put up with a selfish abuser all your life , I doubt it.

As the others said you need to Love yourself before someone else will. 37 is not old and there will still be plenty of oppurtunities come your way to be in a relationship you deserve.

The important thing is don't go looking for it , that's when it becomes frustrating when it doesn't happen.

If you start doing things for yourself that make you feel good it will show out in your personality , and that will attract the correct person for you.

Head up , be strong and be positive!

I wish you Luck!

[roxypox]

I don't know if anyone can give me any advice. I split with my boyfriend about a month ago and I now miss him. I feel so lonely sometimes that I think about getting back with him but he is abusive and attacked me physically in quite a scary way last month and that's why I ended it with him.

I think you are right to end things with him and you should not go back. Besides kudos to you for getting out! I think its quite normal to miss the other person, even if some or all of the relationship has been bad, mostly b\c it might be quite scary to be relationship less... with him you knew what you had and you knew (to some extent) know what to expect... but it doesn't mean that its healthy!

I feel so low, so old and hopeless on my own that I am considering going back to him. Logically I know it's a bit mad as he just constantly criticises me and makes me do stuff for him all the time. He is entirely selfish but he is trying to seek help now. I am certain he has some kind of mental health problem but he also has a sweet innocent side to him.

Sorry about the double post I forgot to comment on this. No wonder you suffer from low selfasteem when someone you have been in a relationship has treated you this way. Even if he gets help it doesn't mean that you should go back once he's started the process. Sometimes we might have to realize that what we had was bad... and it's over and you need to move on.

I hate so much to be alone and friends don't seem to make up for the lack of a relationship with me and lack of a family. I spend most nights crying myself to sleep but if you were to meet me you wouldn't know I act happy enough but my life isn't what I wanted it to be.

This is probably why it might be important for you to try to make it own your own. Build your selfasteem, find a way to like yourself, love yourself and be happy with the fact that you are you and there are no one who can be the person you are.

You should also try to reconnect with your friends, personally I've been in 2 different relationships over the last 6 and 1\2 years and the first month after I broke up with my last boyfriend was the hardest. On one hand I knew that it was a bad relationship, we didn't connect mentally, couldn't communicate and it was pretty toxic. But then I started to see the joy of being alone, to be able to rebuild me with out a boyfriend and all through the last 6 1\2 years I\ve felt that my friends are some of the most important people in my life. When a relationship ends: they are the once who are there for you, when you have a fight with your boyfriend they are there for you, when you're broken, sad and in a low place, they are there for you!

Best of luck!

[starbuck8]

Do not ever, do you hear me, EVER go back into an abusive relationship for ANY reason, let alone just because you miss being in one. That is like jumping in the water with a shark, just because you miss swimming! You mentioned he has mental issues. The next time you just might not get out of it as easy! He could and possibly will turn more violent!

As the others have said, you need to work on yourself. That is first. Second, where do you normally meet guys? Do you meet them at bars, or at work? Where ever you have been meeting them, stop looking for them there. Get involved in other co-ed activities that you enjoy. At least then you are able to meet someone with similar interests, and you have something to talk about, over coffee or a drink. Don't be afraid to be the asker either. It's okay for you to ask someone to join you for coffee. What is the worst that could happen? They could say no. If they do, don't take it personally, and turn your attention to someone else.

But first as was said, develop your confidence and self esteem. That is the first thing people see in you, and it is a very attractive quality.

[kctiger]

I know how you feel being lonely. I have changed my life dramatically since I my break up in late August. I have just moved into a one bedroom apartment alone. So, the lonliness feelings have been kicking it into high gear lately, and especially with the holidays coming up. Being alone, however, is nothing to be afraid of. It is a good chance to change things about you that you don't like and also to get to know yourself and what really makes you tick. You will be fine. You don't need to be with a guy that abuses you. That is not something you, or anyone else deserves. Just keep your chin up!

[roxypox]

Starbucks: that is a very good idea,the one about co-ed interests. And about not looking in the places that have had bad results in the passed. He he I loved your comment about sharks!

KC: you make some really good points there! To be alone might be unfamiliar and uncomfortable for now, but it really is nothing to be afraid of. To be you by yourself might give you the opportunity you need to get to know yourself in a whole new way!

I second KC's end note: Keep your chin up! And I hope you realize that you are worth so much more than what you have been getting from your x.

[chuff]

If you are not happy, and he's abusive why in the hell would you bring a child who didn't ask for any this into the picture? What good could possibly come from that.

You talk about being 37 like you are going to retire next year. Since when is 37 old? Furthermore, this is a great time in your life to use your life experience to find out who you are and define for yourself what you will put up and what you will not put up with while you still have plenty of life left to lead.

I'd think your child would love you a lot more if you held out for a father that knew how to treat his/her mother and a mother that had her life in order to raise a stable child.

[Fr_Chuck]

You learn to be happy on your own, and learn to be OK with who you are. Then you start dating and find someone who will respect you.

Don't ever go back to someone who si abusive.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-284767.html

I think I'd rather be alone than have someone treat me like a piece of crap. Do you need some help learning how to love yourself, and how to do good things for yourself?

[chuff]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-284767.html

I think I'd rather be alone than have someone treat me like a piece of crap. Do you need some help learning how to love yourself, and how to do good things for yourself?

So on top wanting a baby who didn't ask for this, a boyfriend who hits you, you want to hook up with his friend?

I think before you do anything you've got to just stop. You need to get your emotional life back in order. You have no idea what you want, and it's time to quit looking "out there" for something you'll never find, and start looking inside yourself to find out what it is you really want.

[maria16]

It's normal to regret a break up sometimes... but if it makes it any easier, just keep in mind that things won't change. Tell yourself that you are better off without him, especially if you want a child.
Make little daily plans so that when you wake up you know what you'll be doing that day... keep yourself busy. Join an activity. Take up something new.
There are many other people in your position... so realize that you're not alone.

If you really need to, for peace of mind... consider a dating site let's say 6 months or a year down the road... only you will know the time. I would wait a while before doing so... give yourself sometime to feel grounded and happy. This way you know that if you haven't met anyone between now and then, then you can start dating people. The least it could do is get you more at ease and comfortable with meeting people. But don't place too many expectations on them, they will not solve all your problems.

[curlybap76]

I only read your title and no further because I didn't need to.

Your answer is NO. Please - you will be much happier alone and if you start to fill your life with wonderful things. Abusive relationships are never the answer. I've been there, trust me.

[HistorianChick]

No. Do not ever go back to someone who makes you feel less than what you are - a self-sufficient, beautiful woman who has more to offer a relationship than simply being a verbal/mental/emotional punching bag.

When someone takes your power, you throw up your hands, stand up, and walk away... and never look back. Ever.

[rbwrig7]

If you read the poem by Robert Frost, ( The road less traveled. That road you are on is traveled. You read and see it world wide. Loneliness is a state within. Happiness is for all to see and enjoy. If you come to the realization God love ou and there is no loneliness there. If you first seek that all will be added to you.

[taoii]

Hi,

I know you post your message a while ago, but I'm new as of today. I just wanted to know what was your decision. Did you go back.

Taoii