[Mom of 2]

Justy - Thanks for that post. I do worry that this absenteeism of their mother will have a detrimental effect on them and that they may grow to resent me in some way. I wish that there was something that I could do, but I guess the only thing that I can do is to just sit back and let them determine when or if that will happen. I just feel so sorry for them because my family is so close and if my mom was like that I would have been so hurt. Glad to hear that someone can still make it in life even with that situation. I'm sure I will be looking to you for advice as it relates to the kids because you were there once yourself - and almost in the same circumstances. Any other advice that you can give would ALWAYS be greatly appreciated. I just don't want to step on any toes, make anyone uncomfortable, etc.

Thanks again!

[talaniman]

Mom you are an absolute sweetheart, kind , caring, and considerate to a fault.

You seem to think of every detail, and try to work it out for everyone but, what do you do for you. I am so curious (nosey?? ) how you spend your leisure time. When your not doing for everyone else.

Don't make me beg, cause I am good at it.

[Mom of 2]

Okay, I'm supposed to be working right now (I work out of my home during the day as an account executive). To answer your question of what I do for me, I post here every once in a while. I cook (love to do that, when I have the time), talk on the phone, read, play with my cat. I do take time for myself - I do the girl thing of getting my hair done, nails done, and for a little while, I would get massages (I need one again soon, but kind of short on cash because of my knee injury). Then the other part of my socialization is when I work at the restaurant at night (Thank GOD I am back to that!! ) I love that job because I get to take care of people, socialize and I love it when I can make someone happy with a good meal and the service that I provide.

Did I answer your question?

[Mom of 2]

I forgot to add that I also go out with my girlfriends for girls night out. I just started in a group of girls to have a monthly dinner party (travels from house to house - a different one every month). I hosted the last one and had a BLAST!!

I have a funny story to add. Up until last week, I have never cooked a meal for my boyfriend. Either we would be at his house, and I just feel so uncomfortable in someone else's kitchen, or we would get together after I got off work, which would be WELL past dinner time, or we would have plans to go out to eat. So, the subject never presented itself. I would tell him every once in a while that I would have to make him my chili because I get a lot of compliments on it, etc. When I was telling him that I was having a dinner party with my girlfriends and I was cooking rock cornish hens, he said, "I didn't know that you knew how to cook." That totally shocked me, but then again, how would he know for certain? I told him that yes I did know how to cook. He then stated that we have been together for a year and he has never "gotten a home cooked meal" from me. I told him that when he came over (it was last Saturday that he came over) that I would cook him something and that YES I did know how to cook.

However, because of that statement, it put the wheels in my head to rolling. I bought a pork roast, made a salad, rice pilaf, green beans and garlic bread. I also had the table nicely set with my china and crystal (I pulled out all of the stops). In addition to that, I also made macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. After he was at my place for about an hour, I said that dinner should be ready and I went into the kitchen. When I told him that everything was ready, he came to the table, where he found the hotdogs on a plate and the macaroni and cheese in a bowl. The look on his face was CLASSIC!! But, he proceeded to pull out his chair and started to sit down, reaching for the macaroni and cheese. I was all set to non chalantly sit down with him, act if nothing was out of the ordinary, ask him if he wanted ketchup or mustard to go with his hotdogs and start eating, but I could not stop laughing. I just said, it's a joke, don't eat that!! He then started laughing himself and said, "You're not going to throw out that mac and cheese are you?" When I pulled out the pork roast and started slicing it, the biggest look of relief appeared on his face. See, so even though I may appear to be all serious, I also have a wacky sense of humor.

Therefore, I guess the other thing that I do for myself is LAUGH!!

[Mom of 2]

And, Talaniman, what do you do in YOUR leisure time?

[Justwantfair]

He likes to beg... that ought to come in handy for something.

[jrebel7]

I forgot to add that I also go out with my girlfriends for girls night out. I just started in a group of girls to have a monthly dinner party (travels from house to house - a different one every month). I hosted the last one and had a BLAST!!!

I have a funny story to add. Up until last week, I have never cooked a meal for my boyfriend. Either we would be at his house, and I just feel so uncomfortable in someone else's kitchen, or we would get together after I got off of work, which would be WELL past dinner time, or we would have plans to go out to eat. So, the subject never presented itself. I would tell him every once in a while that I would have to make him my chili because I get a lot of compliments on it, etc. When I was telling him that I was having a dinner party with my girlfriends and I was cooking rock cornish hens, he said, "I didn't know that you knew how to cook." That totally shocked me, but then again, how would he know for certain? I told him that yes I did know how to cook. He then stated that we have been together for a year and he has never "gotten a home cooked meal" from me. I told him that when he came over (it was last Saturday that he came over) that I would cook him something and that YES I did know how to cook.

However, because of that statement, it put the wheels in my head to rolling. I bought a pork roast, made a salad, rice pilaf, green beans and garlic bread. I also had the table nicely set with my china and crystal (I pulled out all of the stops). In addition to that, I also made macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. After he was at my place for about an hour, I said that dinner should be ready and I went into the kitchen. When I told him that everything was ready, he came to the table, where he found the hotdogs on a plate and the macaroni and cheese in a bowl. The look on his face was CLASSIC!!! But, he proceeded to pull out his chair and started to sit down, reaching for the macaroni and cheese. I was all set to non chalantly sit down with him, act if nothing was out of the ordinary, ask him if he wanted ketchup or mustard to go with his hotdogs and start eating, but I could not stop laughing. I just said, it's a joke, don't eat that!!!! He then started laughing himself and said, "You're not going to throw out that mac and cheese are you?" When I pulled out the pork roast and started slicing it, the biggest look of relief appeared on his face. See, so even though I may appear to be all serious, I also have a wacky sense of humor.

Therefore, I guess the other thing that I do for myself is LAUGH!!!!

Hey Mom, this post was also more enlightening than even you may realize. You are very introspective about the relationship which is priceless and so valuable but this story shows how very much is still yet to be learned about each other. I mean, after all the dates, the fun, the kids, the family situations, thinking about the ex's, worrying about unspoken words, do you see how much is also getting passed by? He didn't even knew you could cook, after a year of time together!! What a fun discovery for him that you are a wonderful cook but also a great discovery to realize he is not seeing you in all your talents and abilities. The words will come.

[Mom of 2]

He probably wanders around - what did he say the last time? AIMLESSLY!! JK!!

Thanks for all of your GREAT advice.

[Mom of 2]

Jrebel - WOW!! I did not think about that. He just assumed that I did not know how to cook and I never offered to before this. Hey, I deserve to be wined and dined!! By the way, he has cooked for me a couple of times. I helped him a little with that, but I just let him take the lead. Maybe we both need to be more direct and more demonstrative in our ways. Otherwise, both of us will not realize all that the other person can do, etc.

P.S. I tried to give you a greenie, but I had to spread the rep.

[talaniman]

And, Talaniman, what do you do in YOUR leisure time?

What leisure time? :eek:

He likes to beg... that ought to come in handy for something.

My wife never says No to me. But I do get some dirty looks, that's when I wonder around aimlessly.

I just wanted some insights into your personality, as I suspect you are very high energy most times, and a people person. Reading your post wore me out with all those activities, so I better rest for the grandkids. Whew!

You just don't know how I root for things to go well for you.

[Mom of 2]

Hey, Talaniman, you have to have some kind of leisure time!! Take a look at my schedule and I have leisure time even with my busy schedule. What do you do for yourself? Interesting minds want to know!

I've learned a lot in the past day or so regarding things that I did not even think about. It all boils down to communication. Here I thought that I was communicating well, but it is apparent that I have not been as transparent as I thought I was. I will be making a point of making him more aware of who I am as a person in order to help him understand me and my needs better, and hopefully he will do the same.

When we talk every day, we talk about issues that have occurred that day, which does give each other, I think, a little glimpse of our thinking on daily things. I always wondered why he would ask me what my schedule looked like during the week when I was not with him. I just thought that he was making conversation and that he really did not want to know, so I would leave out all of the mundane nitty gritty things, things that I now understand would help him to understand a lot more of the type of person that I am. Maybe it is because I did not want to bother him with the boring stuff, but then again, the boring stuff is life and is what makes the individual who they are. So, here I am complaining how he doesn't tell me anything, but in retrospect, he has been asking me the same thing, but in a different way. I hope that makes sense!!

So from now on, when he asks me what my week looks like, it means that he wants to know about me as a person. When he tells me what he is doing this week, he is trying to tell me who he is as a person. He constantly tells me everything about what he did that day as well as what he is going to do for the remaining day and week. He doesn't just want to know about the exciting stuff, but all the little stuff too.

[Justwantfair]

I fell into the same scenerio with the cooking thing with my boyfriend for the first couple years while we were dating and although it was exclusive, we were not living together, so it was like dating all of the time, we never got to sit down to a homemade dinner together although I did every night with the kids, he wasn't there when I cleaned house, he didn't know my normal bedtime and after work routines really until we were living together. This stuff will come in time and I could have gone another twenty years before having my cooking compared to his mother's... LOL. You have learned a lot about him and he has learned a lot about you but while you are keeping the children apart you are running two different lives, at least that is what I felt like. It is stressful to know you have had all of this time together and you know each other on one level and other levels of their personality you don't know anything about. Some men aren't open with verbal communication but I have noticed even if they aren't vocal they are taking notes mentally and they pay attention to all of those things that women vocalize, I can bet he is always thinking about your place in his future. You will get there, but don't drive yourself nuts overanalyzing things... I am definitely an overanalyzer and possible already a little nuts! :)

[talaniman]

Looks like you females are starting to understand how we DO communicate. Hehehehehe! It took a while before I realized what my wife was saying, and it was then I started paying closer attention. Seems we humans need the time to understand how our partner coveys thoughts, ideas, and feelings, that's why us men act so dumb, as frustrating as that is, as we need more specific information, not just feelings. I know, females are the same. Mom, your right on course though, as after a year, your starting to see who he is, and I imagine he is also starting to get you. Sometimes over thinking things leads us the wrong way, so just me, I keep it simple. (the brain is slow sometimes, and WONDERS AIMLESSLY, THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME , huh)! Paying attention to your partner, doesn't mean hanging on to, or analyzing every word, but blending the words, with the actions, to get a clearer picture. (Do looks count? My wife has a few I read very well.)

As far as leisure, I got one word for you! Netflix. My wife and I still date, when the kids, and grandkids, or the dog, aren't around.

I am definitely an overanalyzer and possible already a little nuts! :)

I better check your profile, eh!

[talaniman]

I better check your profile, eh!

Oh, my!

[Chery]

Honey, I absolutely loved the story of that special dinner! You are almost like my daughter and her hubby. They enjoy a good joke and compliment each other too.

Getting back to the kids and their mother... she's using them because she is not finished with her depression and anger over the split with her 'family' - no matter who was at fault. She just does not seem to be able to cope with seeing that he has moved on and lets the kid in her stomp feet to show her discontent.

So, she will probably continue to stop the 'family' gatherings on holidays and go sulk somewhere for a few years until she has achieved closure.

You are not taking her place, just as has been said, but you don't have to feel guilty for liking the kids and wanting them to enjoy the holidays either. So, do let them share these events with you and your children, and let your children know that without their support, his children would be without the joy of sharing these holidays - and they will probably be happy to help out. I think he will also appreciate this and won't have to worry and stress himself out thinking of what to do with them during these times.
Give it a try, it cannot hurt - at least not in my opinion..

Again, good luck dear. Your heart is big enough for them all, and I'm sure they'll will appreciate it. Your children already know what a super mom they have and will probably be proud to show you off to anyone you invite.

Talk to you later dear.

[Mom of 2]

Thanks, Chery. I think I will bring up the subject of "When do you think we should introduce our kids to each other". I'll put the ball in his court and let him think that it will be his decision instead of me adding pressure to it.

I know that I will not be replacing their mother and the only thing that I feel worried about in that area is the resentment that sometimes follows if the kids feel that I am ALWAYS around, etc. However, I have to realize that I don't have control over that and that I just have to continue being the open and caring person that I am and be there for them when they need me to be.

At any rate, it's not really creating a lot of problems other than the fact sometimes our plans have to change or we aren't able to see each other a lot.

If I think back to this time last year and all that has transpired, a lot has taken place. Again, we are not in a race and things will continue to be discovered with the passage of time.

[Justwantfair]

I am excited for you, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well it will go when the kids meet each other and I think the timing may be appropriate. I can't wait to hear how he takes the topic.

Keep us up to date, since we are all enjoying your life third person... LOL.

[Mom of 2]

C and I were supposed to get together on Tuesday night, but a personal matter with his daughter came up and changed our plans. Now, way at the VERY beginning of the relationship, I would have been more disappointed. However, I just took it in stride and knew that if something like that would happen with me and my kids, that I know he would understand and that there was nothing that he could do about it. (I won't go into what it was, but it was a medical issue).

If anything, I think that it brought us even closer together because he has been calling me two to three times a day and sending me emails to ask my opinion, vent and just keep me up to date. I'm just there to offer my support and advice (if he asks for it).

I'm glad that he can come to me for these things. Even though I would have loved to have been with him on Tuesday night, I am sooo glad that he felt comfortable enough with me that he would be able to share his feelings, thoughts, etc.

I am beginning to realize that it is not so important whether I will hear those three little words at this moment. Don't get me wrong, I still want to hear them, but that is the least of my worries at this point. If I did not know it before, I definitely know it now, I AM important to him.

[Mom of 2]

By the way, I was hoping to have that conversation on Tuesday night that I had mentioned to you all the other day. So, that will go on the back burner for a little bit anyway. That is a conversation that I would like to have face to face and not over the phone. I know I have asked this question in a similar fashion, but what is the best way to bring up a serious subject without him suddenly going, "Uh oh." I'm just looking into a segueway to get on the subject. I just don't want to be sitting there quietly watching TV and then say, "Oh, hon, when do you think that our kids should meet?" I just have such a hard time bringing up any REAL serious subjects. Once I'm in the conversation, then I can take it from there. But how do I start it? I know, I know, at this point, he probably wouldn't get too riddled with how I brought it up, but any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Justwantfair]

Start discussing your holiday arrangements, determine how he feels about getting "everyone" together at some point in time to celebrate/attend church... something with a family value to it.