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karma came back · Nov 12, 2008, 08:42 PM

I'm really having a hard time dealing with this because we are supposed to move to a bigger city in the next 8 months and I need to be engaged because I don't just want to "move in". I'm not that type of person. We have been seeing each other for over a year and he first said it was fine with him when we first started talking about moving together a few months ago. And getting engaged. Last night I brought up the engagement and he now says he doesn't know if he can because he's not sure if he's ready for that kind of commitment? We went more into depth about it and he still thinks about the time he was engaged to his ex girlfriend. Now I'm not asking to get married today I really prefer a long engagement(very long). I don't want to pressure him but we are at that age to be settling down. I'm 21 he's 24. I feel very hurt by this because I have nothing to do with his past and I feel like I'm getting the short end. Please help!

starbuck8 · Nov 13, 2008, 08:09 AM

This is not about you, so don't make it about you. This is about him and how he feels. He has told you he is not ready. Believe him when he says that. You don't want to force someone into an engagement just because you want it. He has to want it too. If you start giving ultimatums, or pushing too hard, you will likely push him right out the door.

It sounds to me like you are using this as a bargaining tool. You want to be engaged, and you are using the excuse of not being "that kind of person" to get that ring on your finger. It won't work honey, it just won't. He might give you a ring out of guilt, and then resent you for pushing him into it. If you don't want to totally lose him, drop it. What's your hurry. A "ring" isn't going to change a darn thing without the commitment to back it up, and he has told you he's not there yet. Don't blame this on his ex either. That's the worst thing you can do.

Good luck! :)

talaniman · Nov 13, 2008, 08:23 AM

He feels a year is to soon to commit, so respect that, and slow this thing down, or end it.

Living together requires no commitment, its just a chance to see if you can work together, and live together.

By no means should you not stick your belief, not to live together without a real commitment, but he is not ready for what you want.

After only a year together, that's hardly enough time for him to see any long term plans, nor is your age an inducement, because your both still young.

He has baggage to deal, with so enjoy this time, and see if you can build on the attraction, and get it together.

Then you can talk engagements.

THERE IS NO HURRY, so do it right, and be patient.