[soconfused3711]

My husband has promised a million times to stop drinking. He has been through therapy over the course of 15 years and knows what he needs to do but he continues to binge drink. He may stay sober for a year or 6 months or maybe two weeks when he gets completely wasted. 4th of July he totalled his truck, but didn't get caught or hurt anyone. Monday night he totalled his car, and again didn't get caught, or hurt anyone. I have asked him to leave our home and he has, but he thinks I will forgive him AGAIN. I don't know what to do. How many times should I forgive? When should I face the music that he can't change? Please don't suggest Alanon. I've gone to a lot of meetings and am always told. Hate the disease, love the person. I do love him, but this has become too exhausting for my daughter 17 and myself.

[ikryspy]

I'm also a child of a binge drinking parents. Who's parents were also the same. Best advice I can give; walk away. Maybe that will finally make them realize they have no other choice. Your husband has to hit absolute rock bottom before starting to get better. I know its harsh, but its what has to happen. Sorry to hear the bad news.

[TexasParent]

Well Al-Anon is in part learning not to be an enabler. You've always been there for him, and now you've kicked him out. What is the bottom for him; when you finally stick to your guns. Surely by now he knows he's an alcoholic, has been to an AA meeting. It's up to him, and by helping yourself and setting the proper boundries for your life, you help him too.

If you love him unconditionally, you will let him reach that bottom, the one that makes him want to help himself.

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Feel good about saying no". It's time you felt good about saying it to him.

As a binge drinker, it's clear he can have periods of sobriety, but it seems he's never cleared out the wreckage of his past, or childhood.

All I can say is, set some boundries. Tell him if he wants you back he has to get some help on his own; suggest AA if you must, and tell him to leave you alone until he is well into recovery only then will you consider what is best for you and your daughter.

You may want to get a book called Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie. Your issues are primarily with you if you don't already know that. If you get healthy, then there's a better chance he will recover. It's not your fault, but co-dependency is the is the family disfunction of a alcoholic environment.

I think it's time for you to put in the effort, you can't control him. Even now you are trying to control this situation and won't let go and let God. Which tells me, you didn't really get into the Al-Anon meetings, which I would suggest you re-attend and make a commitment to go to them weekly if not more for 6 months.
Another piece of advice, when at the meetings, don't talk just listen for the first 2 months. You can't learn anything if you are talking.

If in 6 months it hasn't helped I am sure they will refund your misery.

[soconfused3711]

"It's not your fault, but co-dependency is the is the family disfunction of a alcoholic environment." I don't understand what that means? I've never understood co-dependency.
Maybe that's why I am this continuous cycle with no change in the outcome? I will get the book tonight!! Thanks

[TexasParent]

"It's not your fault, but co-dependency is the is the family disfunction of a alcoholic environment." I don't understand what that means? I've never understood co-dependency.
Maybe that's why I am this continuous cycle with no change in the outcome? I will get the book tonight!!! Thanks

Well someone said the definition of insanity is: To continue doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

You can't control others, and as they say in Al-Anon "The Courage to Change"; I applaud your willingness to take the baby step of becoming more aware and getting the book.

However, I would still encourage you to go to Al-Anon, if it doesn't fit your schedule very well, I would go occasionally and pick up some of the daily mediation books as changing takes time through habitual input of new ideas to replace the your old habits.

Another very good daily mediation book is by the same author Melody Beattie, it's called: The Language Letting Go.

Here is the Al-Anon website: Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Or look into other co-dependency groups if you are inclined. I think after you read the book, you will be better able to choose.

Good luck to you.

[Choux]

It occurs to me, how long can he continue to provide money and vehicles to keep him and his family on solid financial ground? I guess you are working, too?

Anyway, my father and two brothers were alcoholics, and I am an expert in dealing with alcoholics and how alcoholics effect those around them negatively. I am a great proponent of 12 Step PRograms--you may not make it unless you finally are ready to "get it". The folks of 12 Step Programs don't mince words... you will get used to it and then realize it's the only way to go in life. Communicate honestly.

When you look at the future and see that you have to start over... just remember you are not starting over from the very beginning; you have learned so much over the years... you are just not tested flying solo.

Be a good role model for your daughter... that is extremely important. :)

Men never stop drinking until they are good and ready, and, sadly, often they are never ready.

You are a lot stronger than you think. YOu don't even have to blame all your problems on your drunken husband any more. :)

My very best wishes to you, :)