[LAD29]

Hi all,

Bit of a long post so I apoligize for that, please stick with me as I'm hopefully putting an honest, objective context in front of you all.

Been reading through some of the posts here, mainly because I've time on my hands and trying to rationalize (not good I know but understandable) my current situation.

In a nutshell I've been seeing someone for a couple of months and things have been going great. However, a couple of weeks ago after sex my partner seemed to quieten off and act distant.

I asked what was up and basically it boiled down to the fact that earlier in the night I'd mentioned that I didn't remember parts of our night out the night previous (we'd been out drinking and I'd forgotten bits of conversation we'd had with OTHER people. Later that same night we were back at hers and she confided in something and I told her that I wasn't worried and that she shouldn't fear talking to me as I was looking at things developing between us and wasn't turned off.) so she asked if I remembered what she talked about. I told her of course I did and she said she was worried because I'd said lots of nice things and that if I couldn't remember was it just the drink talking etc... I told her back what I'd said and that I of course remembered that... it was important to me but some dull chat in the pub earlier with others had slipped from memory.

She said that was great because she was looking for something 'real' and didn't want to 'waste time' 'messing around'. I told her I wasn't the type to get involved to this degree if I wasn't hoping that things would develop... but I didn't want to rush, apply pressure or anything because relationships have to have chance to grow..

She seemed more reassured and after cuddling etc we had sex again which was fantastic.

Since then she's been great, talking about her family etc. She told me she'd told her mum about me. That when her family visits she hoped I'd like to me them which I said of course I would.

Everything was great, (Except two things in mind at the moment. I guess one could say that we moved fast... spending 3-4 nights a week together (alternate addresses) and that at least 2 nights of the week I'd been out drinking with friends before meeting up with her. She works in a pub I drink in so she'd meet up with me after he shift and either stop for drinks and leave her car or have a drink and then we'd leave. I suspect that I've been a unfair in going out drinking with my friends and then "expecting" to spend the night with her after she's had a long shift - although I've not had chance to tell her that and apologise), and then suddenly I sensed a change.

She had to visit home as a parent was taken ill and taken to hospital. She stayed for a day/night and when she came back she came over to mine as I said I'd cook and she stayed the night. She was distant though and kept to herself. I assumed that she was obviously upset and had things on her mind and just tried to be there if she wanted to talk.

The following night was night out with friends/meet up after she'd finished work. She didn't want to stay for drinks, had one and we left to go back to hers before which she'd apologized to me for being 'grumpy' the night before but she was coming up to that time of the month. I accepted this no questions asked... time of month/worried about parent.. of course she was feeling something that I'd pick up on.

I'd had a few but wasn't drunk just a bit loose lipped or less thoughtful, whatever you'd describe it as... and as part of our usual 'banter' later that evening I called her an innocuous name as we tend to do that she went ballistic too and was really angry with (dumbass). I apologized and said I'd not meant anything bad by it, it was just banter and no different to how she calls me silly names that in a different context could be nasty and we went to bed... she was again distant so I tried to say sorry again.. to which she snapped that I obviously know nothing about women to say such things.

The next night we spent together and again things were obviously strained... I tried to talk with her but she said she was tired after a long day and as I'd been out she didn't want to talk when I'd had a drink (I thought this was again because of what she said about having doubts about my sincerity after having a few drinks). She mentioned that things felt different, I asked if it was because of the previous night and she said yes, that she felt I sometimes made her feel she was not as smart as me and I told her that I thought she was intelligent and it was one of the things I liked about her... she then said she maybe thought things were going a bit too fast but that she didn't want to 'put a line under us'.

I told her I understood what she was saying (my thoughts being that we did spend nights together and that maybe when I'd been out with my friends I should have stayed out with my friends and not seen her) but that I thought she'd been OK with the pace ( I thought to myself... Afterall it was her who told me she'd told her family about me, her who was lending me books [why lend them if you don't think the person is going to be around long enough to return them?] and her who had mentioned doing something together in her upcoming week off and mentioning ideas for christmas)

The following day was her early finish night and that meant we usually did something together however I was not expecting anything as I figured she'd want some space. We as usual have a drink with friends and then go off and do our own thing but I planned to leave and go home and I could see she'd arranged a night with her housemate. However, on the way out she asked if I wanted to join them in playing a game and I went back to hers. We had a good night and had fun. When we went to bed she was distant of course, and although we kissed for a bit before going to sleep it was distant too and lacked passion... again I thought.. she needs time to get over her annoyance at what I'd said and her worries about 'us'..

She dropped me off home the following day and we have since sent each messages. I sense she's being distant, maybe still mad at me and wants some time but I'm also wondering if her reservations about us are leading to a break up and she's just not come out with it.. when she's sent messages she's implied she sees a future in subtle ways (making reference to lending me the book she is currently finishing and little things like that) and yesterday I'd asked what she was working to see if we could fit in a coffee some time (to talk through things and see where we were I thought but didn't say). She told me she was busy (which I know is true as I know her work routine) for the rest of the week but wasn't sure what time she was finishing that night and would buzz me later. She never did (however she's done that before when having a late unexpected finish).

SO... to get to the point. I've not tried to get in touch today because I feel she does need time and space to figure things out regardless of the situation...

But what is really sending me loopy and what I'm looking for help in understanding in is do you guys think this is a fight that at at an emotional time is magnifying 'cold feet' concerns or do you think something more serious is in play, that the fight was a way of finding a reason to break-up and that she just hasn't got round to being gutsy enough to tell me straight?

I of course want to give her space and therefore am trying my hardest not to instigate the next 'chat' but naturally am trying to understand the situation... and with the weekend coming up soon I am no doubt going to bump into her at some point and whilst I see the NC rule applying and will of course be civil, friendly and polite if I see her... is it better to avoid seeing her (staying out of the pub she works in even though that's where all my friends will be) so as not to make her feel I'm not giving her space??


PS... Spookily, she has just text me this minute to ask how I am, that she's got to take a mutual friend to doctors and ask what I'm up to!

Is this a good sign of contact or just letting me know about a friend, and then 'fishing' to see where things are?

I wonder if she's just a bit worried about taking things further and feeling more for me... OF COURSE, however I'm trying to be objective and accept that she could just as easily (possibly more likely) have decided I'm not worth taking anything further with!

[LAD29]

Oops "dumbass" is the silly name I called her at the time... It reads in the post that I was now commenting on her reaction and calling her a dumbass!!

[LAD29]

Hmm... been thinking about this a lot and I'm thinking one of two things.

This isn't a we've been together X years and she wants space (typical sign it's over) so maybe she just does as she say want to slow things down.

She has decided that it's not going to work so is trying to back out gently.


Now, either way I'm fine. I like her and am happy to take things slow, give her time, space whatever and get on with my live in between. It's only been a couple of months and a few dates so won't be the end of the world.

The thing that is bugging me is this though.

NC is all well and good, and giving her space is fine. BUT I socialise in the same circles as she does at the weekend and if I go out and do my normal thing with friends I WILL see her...

... so my question is:

Do I avoid being social this weekend to maintain NC and the space at the risk of making it look like I'm being affected/immature by staying away?

OR

Do I continue to do what I'd have done before dating her and that is go out with my friends in our usual environment and WHEN I see her just be polite etc but not push for anything further?

[talaniman]

You need something else to do besides drinking, and other people in your life, besides mutual friends.

Do I continue to do what I'd have done before dating her and that is go out with my friends in our usual environment and WHEN I see her just be polite etc but not push for anything further?

Either way, your or mine.