[jr4]

I recently discovered that my wife of 18 years has had an emotional affair. She said that she wants a divorce. We have 2 kids that are 13 and 10. She's depressed and on anti-depressants. I know that our marriage hasn't been great, but it wasn't terrible either. I've apologized repeatedly and promised to treat her differently in the future, but it's fallen on deaf ears. I know she's conflcted about what to do (she feels guilty), but she doesn't seem willing to go to counseling or stop talking with him. I'm at a loss about what to do. I love her and my family and don't want to let them go.

What should I do?

[JBeaucaire]

Don't let them go. Start an emotional affair of your own with your wife. Talk to her about your day the way you did when you first got married. Call her in the middle of the day for no reason and just ask if she needs anything. Interrupt her day with thoughtful love-grenades of your own.

It won't matter if she suspects your motives if you actually mean it at the same time.

You and your wife didn't reach this level of disconnect overnight. You don't know it, but your wife needs to be studied by you, she has to be "learned anew" every year. If you don't do this, someone else will... someone else is. That other person has started to... but you're her husband. It's not too late for you to rediscover who she is today.

This will take time, don't assume anything. It's time to court your wife all over again, so do THAT. Act like she's the little schoolgirl you need to win over every day... and do THAT.

Then spend every week doing that. Don't ever stop.

[talaniman]

What started this emotional affair?? With whom??

[jr4]

She met a man at work and he flirted with her. She became friends with him over time and they inevitably started talking about their relationships (he's married with 5 kids) and began to lean on each other for support. I was clueless about this and she wasn't open and honest about what was happening. She told me that she had ended it earlier.

[EN Ken]

I think JB has the right idea in course of action here. The answer is improving your own relationship with your wife.

Let me ask you this: what is it about your marriage that isn't so great? What type of person is your wife? What are things she likes to do? What are the things you guys did when you were dating? What things have changed over the years that you think she would want back?

[Mary Jade Skye]

JR,

EVERY marriage has problems. I am wondering why YOU are apologizing since SHE had the affair?

But no matter how long you have known her, how well, how intimately women and men change, they evolve. No one stays the same as what they were 20 years ago.

Perhaps if you told her that you want to know the person she is now, that you are willing to invest WHATEVER it takes... perhaps she will listen. Didn't you pursue her when you wanted to marry her? Well to KEEP her you are going to have to do it again! It only takes a flicker of interest, to give you a toe in the door.

Once you are in, love her. Not quietly, not sloppily, not lazily! You actually have an advantage. You live with her, have more time with her than her co-worker. Use it to your advantage.

MOST women don't need a LOT of big things. It is the LITTLE things that make a noticeable difference. Little notes, warm towels, doing the dishes, helping with the laundry, making the kids do their homework without her help, watching a show with her that you DON'T like. (Why don't you like it, why does she?) THOSE are the things she is missing, those are the things you must give her.

I hope this helps.

[talaniman]

Maybe this is the wakeup call you need, to find out what she wants you to do. Maybe paying more attention to her, and gaining knowledge, or for sure getting some communications, and understanding, going.

If she is still there, you better make the effort to finding out what to do, and be a darn good listener.

I can bet he is.

[jr4]

Thanks for all the comments so far. Your encouragement is helpful.

This has indeed been a wake up call for me. I took a new job in May that required us to move away from our home of 13 years. She almost separated with me then. Our kids threw a fit because they were going to be moving near some long time family friends. So, my wife reluctantly moved. At the time, she told me that it was only for the kids. I figured that she would soften up. 5 months later, she's just now showing signs that she maybe softening up. It's been a long 5 months. I never knew what a hell my life could be until now. I've run the gambit of emotions... first anger, then denial, then desperation, and finally acceptance. I had all but given up as I had tried everything to convince her to stay and give it another chance. She was pretty brutal in making it clear that she saw no hope of reconciliation. Last weekend, she dropped the bomb that she planned to move out at the kids school break and go back to our old home town. She said that she felt relieved after getting it out. I pressured her to give it another chance and to go to counseling, but without success. Then when I backed off, she'd start to let me close. Over the last week, we went go through this pattern of her coming closer, me pressuring her to commit to trying/going to counseling, then she'd run the other way, then I'd back off, and then the cycle starts again. Over the last couple of days, I've been holding on loosely, because that seems to be what's working best. I guess that she wants to feel that this is her decision and that she's not being forced into anything. Tomorrow, she is going to see the counselor on her own (she asked me if I wanted to come though). I think it's best if she goes alone so that she can feel free to be completely open with her. The counselor is a christian and believes that we can make this work. So, I'm not worried about what she will say.

Through this process, I've learned that I haven't been the greatest spouse. I realize that it takes two.. . but I've was pretty cranky and controlling for a long time before this happened. During this last 5 months, I've come to see clearly how wrong my behavior has been. This is the good that has come out of this time. I have not been cranky at all during this time and have long stopped the controlling behavior. I've also loved her through my actions, words and behavior during this time, even when it felt like she was ripping my heart out with her bare hands. That is something I would have never thought I would/could do. So, I'm happy that I grew from this.

I know that I'm kind of rambling here... I will post more later as things develop. Thanks again for the feedback so far.

[talaniman]

Whatever you do, don't get complacent, and squander this opportunity.