[losttranslation]

Simple question, I think... If my husband is cheating on me why would he stay with me? We have no children and have been married 2 years.:confused:

[Mr_NO_BS]

Men that usually cheat repeatedly and still stay with their partner are over grown baby's. They do not have the guts to tell their partner that the relationship is just not working. They use their current partners as a safety blanket just in case they get tired of the flings or until something better comes along.

Have you asked him if he is cheating?

[starbuck8]

Because you are letting him stay! It's working for him. He has you at home, and he can go out and cheat, and then return home.

[JBeaucaire]

You question assumes there is a single discernible reason. I can think of many.

• Psychotic personality
• Dissociative disorder
• Complete love for you, disconnected from his cheating behavior
• Only stays because you haven't caught him, he would leave if the "thrill of cheating" were removed
• Some external coercion is going on you don't know about

I've seen enough movies I could keep going on this list. It doesn't help. You can't pinpoint why your husband is cheating by talking to strangers on a forum. You might figure it out by talking to him, maybe not.

The tone of your question makes it seem you're not surprised by this, and expecting this relationship should end because of it.

I'm all for saving marriages. But that requires two people who actually have that goal. You'll have to swallow your anger and piteousness over this, and sit down calmly with him over some bagels and just let him know you know. And let him know you don't care, he can do what he wants, but you're not going to sit around and watch... it's boring. Something like:

"Since you may not know, I'm aware of your affair(s). The only thing I'm confused about is why exactly you think I'll quietly live my life like this? I mean, you're a grown man. You can do anything you want, actually. But I'm a grown woman. Don't you respect me enough to give me a clear choice in this?

"I don't need protection from the truth, I'm not a child. I'm going to be fine. But if I'm to retain even the smallest amount of respect for you, I'd expect you to realize I'm not going to live a soap opera life. Your sneaking around behind my back may give you a thrill, but it's pretty boring for me since I'm not going to whine and pine after you like a TV-lovelorn.

"So, I just wanted to you to know you not only haven't fooled anyone, you're making yourself look silly with your assumptions that I would angrily try to keep you. I don't need you. We're married because we said we were going to make a life together. You're not interested in that, and that's not my loss, it's yours."

Then hand him the divorce papers and ask him to pass the cream cheese.

[BMI]

Two is better than one:)

[liz28]

The question should be "why do women stay with their spouse if they know their partner is cheating?"

Think about it!

[talaniman]

He cheats because he can, as there are no consequences he pays for his actions.

The better question is what are you going to do about it?

[EN Ken]

Two people stay in a relationship because they get something out of that relationship that they need. In other words, they stay in the relationship because some of their emotional needs are satisfied. Regardless of how dysfunctional the relationship appears, some number of their emotional needs are being satisfied and thus the people stay together.

Because these needs are emotional, they do not amount to logical reasons and very resistant to logical explanations. Often times when you ask a woman why she stays with an abusive man, she says "Because I love him." and no level of questioning will get you a logical reason why. "But he hits you!" She'll say something like "But that's only because he really cares about me." or "He's not like that all the time."

On the flip side, the same happens in a healthy relationship. If you ask a woman why she married her husband, she'll often say "Because I love him." If you question a little further, she'll say "Because, she's a kind and sweet man." If you ask, "Well, what is it about being kind and sweet that makes you love him?" She'll say something like "It makes me feel like he really cares about me." Again we are back to an emotional reason for the relationship to exist.

A relationship stays together because the people involved are getting their emotional needs satisfied. If they are being unfaithful to one another in some way it means that not all of their emotional needs are being satisfied, just some, which is why they resort to having a second relationship.

[starbuck8]

I think all of that is just an excuse Ken. People make choices. They have other alternatives. Communication and a commitment to stay true to their word, and having respect for their partner being a few.

All the excuses in the world don't excuse immoral behaviour. If someone's emotional needs aren't being met, then it should be discussed with the person not meeting those needs. Not an outsider, who is likely just a roll in the hay anyway!

[hannah_nicole]

A man will stay if he is cheating for many different reasons depends on the guy really. But generally because they may still have feelings for you or like the familiarity and security of having a partner however want for thrills and excitement of being with someone different at the same time.

[EN Ken]

I think all of that is just an excuse Ken. People make choices. They have other alternatives. Communication and a commitment to stay true to their word, and having respect for their partner being a few.

I do not deny that fact and it's something I agree with, however, not every can keep their heads as well as you must be able to.

If someones emotional needs aren't being met, then it should be discussed with the person not meeting those needs. Not an outsider, who is likely just a roll in the hay anyway!

This assumes that you are aware of when your emotional needs are not being met. As someone who's studied emotional needs diligently, even I have times when I do not recognize that my needs are being violated because I often put the needs of my partner over the needs of myself and lose sight of the fact that I'm in the relationship as well.

I'm not implying, in any way, that it's fine to cheat on your current partner if your emotional needs are being violated. My personal feelings on it is that it's incredibly dishonest and to promise that you'll be faithful to someone when you cannot be is one of the worst things you can tell someone. The people who I know that have done it, I've cut out of my life because of it.

All I'm providing is an explanation for why it happens, which will hopefully provide someone with a way of preventing it from happening.

[starbuck8]

I do not deny that fact and it's something I agree with, however, not every can keep their heads as well as you must be able to.



This assumes that you are aware of when your emotional needs are not being met. As someone who's studied emotional needs diligently, even I have times when I do not recognize that my needs are being violated because I often put the needs of my partner over the needs of myself and lose sight of the fact that I'm in the relationship as well.

I'm not implying, in any way, that it's fine to cheat on your current partner if your emotional needs are being violated. My personal feelings on it is that it's incredibly dishonest and to promise that you'll be faithful to someone when you cannot be is one of the worst things you can tell someone. The people who I know that have done it, I've cut out of my life because of it.

All I'm providing is an explanation for why it happens, which will hopefully provide someone with a way of preventing it from happening.

I see. The way I interpreted what you said, I thought that you were condoning it. I understand now what you were trying to get across to the OP. Thanks for clarifying. Things get lost in translation sometimes. It's a bit of a touchy subject for me. My relationship had really nothing to do with not having his emotional needs met. It was all about a guy that had total disregard and no respect, and just couldn't keep it in his pants. ;)

[EN Ken]

Not a problem. Forcing me to clarify reminds me that I have to be on the ball and not just giving out random advice.

And for men, sex IS an emotional need. He might just been incapable of being monogamous and was too short-sighted to realize the havoc he'd wreak by trying to be monogamous. Again, not condoning his actions but providing an explanation.

[starbuck8]

He must have been emotionally barron then, LOL! Although he sure didn't reveal this to me, until I stumbled upon his escapades, and believe me, he had one for every possible emotion a person could possibly have, and then some. ;)

[EN Ken]

Heh, well I'm a pretty stable guy so I don't go through too many emotional states. So one for every emotion I go through and then some is really not that many.

Anyway, back on topic!