[_StaR_]

OK here's my situation.

I've been in a 2 year long distance relationship with a DJ. About an hour away from each other. At the beginning of the relationship, he put in a lot of effort while I gave him the chance. I put in some effort, but we both know he put in more. This was only because I was very hesitant to get into a long distant relationship and because my guard was up. I didn't want just anyone having my heart. Also at the beginning, he didn't have too many gigs. In fact, he told me he was slowing down. However, more than anything I was a priority to him.

However, now the situation has changed. He's getting more gigs so I never see him anymore. I got so mad 1 time because he was booked for 1 whole month! I was upset because he couldn't set 1 Saturday for me or for us. It didn't occur to him that he would miss me and that he would AT LEAST want to see me 1 day out of that month.

Then from there things just went downhill. He just kept getting more and more gigs. We broke up several times and it seems like every time I still come back to him, even when it's me that feels like I'm not a priority to him.

We're broken up now for about 2 or 3 weeks. He texts almost everyday except for when he's busy at some club Djing. We've talked here and there. But every time we talk the subject of US comes up. Which honestly I feel like we should only talk about that if we're together and since we're not we shouldn't talk about it anymore.

He feels like he has to choose between DJing or me, but I've always told him that he never had to and I've never given him an ultimatum, but he did, he chose. He chose DJing and it hurt. I told him that. He said that he knows if we end up getting back together he's going to have to slow down and he doesn't want to. This makes me feel like not only am I not worth it or we're not worth or that the sacrifice is not worth it, but that I'm not a priority at all. Like he just threw me out!
I've told him I don't even get any kind of reassurance from him with all this. I've also told him that when we were together and I complained to him about his DJing, I felt like I had lost partner, my companionship, the affection, love, understanding, and care. I've also told him in a respectful way that he's being selfish and he knows it because he says he just wants to focus on himself for now.
He even tells me things like because of what he's done in the past he feels he should be able to do this now. I agree to some extent.

He even asks me things like are you talking to anyone yet, or do I miss him? He tells me he misses me, thinks about me, and still cares for me. He says he'll still be there no matter what as friends. He texts me almost everyday. They're friendly texts but none the less he still takes initiative to text me and even those friendly texts I know he doesn't text just anyone. He says things like he's there if I ever have any boy problems. He's changed his myspace to single status and he's commented back to girls. I'm not worried there's someone else just more of the fact that there's these changes because he obviously wasn't like that w/me.

I just don't get it! Is he keeping me by a string? Is this a test? Does he not know what he wants? Does he just need a break? Or is he really done? Please help! I'm so confused! I need a guys opinion, what does this mean? Am I just not getting it? Is he just letting going slowly? Or just being nice? I just don't get it.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Well he has a job. Does he have any other source of income? If not that's just part of life. Not only is this his source of income but a passion for music and a career that I'm sure he has strong interest for.

I am sure you have heard long distance never works out. For the most part it's true but your only an hour away if you guys wanted you could make time for each other. He seems to have picked what he wants. If YOU can't find a way to live around his DJ'ing then what can you do?

I would just end it if you can't come up with a solution no need to let yourself hang when it could be over and done with so much quicker. So stop checking his myspace, his comments, who he comments and all that BS. Even stop texting him if you have to. Your kind of kicking yourself.

[JBeaucaire]

You are both stringing each other along. You're both doing it. It takes two people to create this situation, so don't lay on him what is your doing, too, OK?

What's REALLY going on here is he isn't as into you as you'd like. That's all. He likes you enough, sure, so he keeps in touch. But he has a life and it takes precedence.

You don't get to the head of the class by being absent. A long-distance relationship has no chance of promoting you to the head of this guy's priorities. None. And to be totally honest, you know that, don't you?

Dating is hard work when the love connection isn't "over-the-top-oh-my-god-we-love-each-other-totally-to-the-end-of-time" powerful and consuming, and neither one of you is in THAT place, not even close.

On top of that, geography is working against you, lifestyles working against you, different interest levels (in each other) working against you... with so many things that need to improve, being long-distance too just kills whatever slim chance might have existed if you could date face-to-face all the time.

So, all I want you to do is stop trying to "figure out" what you already know to be true. If you want to "figure something out", how about figure out why you're not interested in dating someone who is so into you have to calm him down... and that isn't this guy.

[talaniman]

I put in some effort, but we both know he put in more.

Now he has to work, and your mad he has no time? Not fair at all, and what's wrong with you picking up the slack, and carrying your own weight for a change?

He works, and contacts you every day, and you still do not appreciate his efforts enough to, get off your butt, stop acting like a spoiled needy child, and work as hard as your man is.

Don't be surprised if he get tired of carrying your dead weight around, and gets some one who appreciates a hard working man, who tries his best.

I hope he wakes up soon, or will you?

[_StaR_]

This isn't the only source of income. He has a full time job. This is only a side job and a hobby. I DO put in work now. I compromise. I've always tried to listen to him, but it seems as if he never wanted to put his 2 cents in, which left me with nothing to work with/for.
But what am I to do when he doesn't seem to make me time for us anymore, at all? It's as if he doesn't care, but he says he does.
I'm not even asking for a lot of time, just some. Why does it all have to go to that anyway? Even when I just gave him the chance, I STILL made time for him. It's as if the roles have switched but he's so mad at me, he won't budge.
Trust, if I didn't appreciate him, I wouldn't want to make this work. I don't even think what I'm asking for is much. Just something, like I've given him before. And I'm willing do to the rest.

[_StaR_]

He's even said if we get back together, he doesn't want to slow down and he knows if we do get back together, he's going to have to slow down for sure. I don't think he does. What's 1 day or a couple hours anyway? It's as if he just kicked me to the curve.

[_StaR_]

He's even said that if we get back together it's not fair to me.

[talaniman]

Funny you feel that way after he is doing his thing. Let the emotional dust settle, and that takes time.

[chuff]

I think you need to let him focus on his job. It's not fair that as he becomes more successful you want to hold him back. If this guy is as important as you say, move an hour closer to him.

[_StaR_]

It's only something on the side. Like I've said, he has a full time job, another source of income. I'd totally understand if this was his ONLY source of income, but it's not. I can even understand if he did it almost every weekend, but to leave no room for me or us, not even 1 day of the month, is selfish. And he knows he's being like that. He's told me he wants to be selfish right now. He's told me it's unfair to me.
It be totally different if we lived closer, because then he can have all weekends for that. I'm sure if the tables were turned, he'd want the same - some time for quality time. At least I talk to him about it and not go out n find someone else (cheat).
I would def. move if I had a stable job that could lead to a career, but I don't and that's scary. In my family and in my culture, I've been raised to never leave w/a man without a job/degree. I'm still a student. And I completely understand that he can't move right now either, even though he has a stable job. He just doesn't have that much experience to get hired anywhere else right now.
Am I really being unfair? And unreasonable?

[talaniman]

Your not together so your actually free to do as you please, and so is he.

Why should he go back to the way it was when by your own admission, he put more into making it work, than you did.

Finish your education, and get that good job.