[brandibaby23]

Yea she is starting to sound like a selfish, crazy, nut ball!! Wow Yea you need to tell her Exactly what you said probably with out the F uck part. She is being possessive whack job, as will only make you look the same if you continue with this! STAND UP MAN!! TELL her suck it or leave you alone!! LOL

[tabbarat]

Yeah.. I guess today I'm going to have a talk with her, and tell her to either move forward with me or understand I'm still technically single... I don't want to fight with her every time I go out!

But I do kind of appreciate where her feelings are coming from... im wondering if she gets this angry if her ex of 10 yrs back home tells her he is going out to a club?

And about the caveman comment: all men have a bit of a caveman in them... but how am I MAKING her come to me? I told her "u know how i feel about u, i can make u very happy...if u want to be with me, i'll treat u like a queen...but if not, its cool too, i can respect that...we can just be friends/take it slow"... she AGREED, and she still admits her feelings, and she is the one that is getting all possessive and jealous when I went out, not me

In fact when I saw her with those 2 guys and a girl, I was nice to them and showed I didn't care

Anyway, we'll see what happens today

Take care

[asking]

look what happened today..the past 10 days, me and my ex have been seeing each other and talking everyday and everything good and we kiss and flirt, etc...

so today i was going to a night club..
she wants to not only be with me bc of her ex, but im supposed to not go out and try to hook up?! no way...she can't have her cake and eat it too!!

what u guys think?

regards

I think if you are seeing someone and talking to them every day and making out, then neither person should go out clubbing to try to hook up with someone else. You are dating intimately even if you aren't having sex. Her talking about her ex is a topic for discussing in the relationship, not an excuse to keep looking.

That's what I think, my values. Obviously, not everyone agrees. Everybody has their line in the sand. Some people say that as long as the two are not married, they can hook up with anyone they want. Other people even say that if a married man is approached -- rather than him doing the chasing--that that's okay. I don't agree... To me, you two clearly have a relationship, even if an odd one, and I think people should only have one relationship at a time.

You feel you can make out with her and pursue her aggressively but still chase "tamales" to satisfy your sexual urges. To me it almost feels like you don't want to win her over, but just enjoy the chase, especially if it gives you an excuse not to have a real relationship with other women. If you and she got back together you'd have to give up your single lifestyle and I don't think you really want that. But you don't want to be completely single either, because that sounds lonely and vulnerable and forces you to confront the question of whether you are really looking for anyone seriously. I suspect you of sending both your girlfriend and these other women mixed signals that you aren't sharing here honestly. I think you should stay home for two weeks and not see anyone, not go clubbing, stop sleeping around, and think about what you actually want.

[tabbarat]

Wow

[tabbarat]

asking: u sort of have it "on the money" as they say

The truth is: I really do care about my ex and I hope we have a normal relationship; meaning she comepletely forgets about her ex of 10yrs and tells me "i only love u now, lets take it forward".. that would make me very happy

BUT since SHE is the one that is preventing that and still loves her ex as well, what am I supposed to do? Let her have her cake and eat it too? I like single life almost as much as I like being with her

Its true we are dating intimately and we have history, but SHE is the one that got it here, not me

I really hope she decides to only be with me... but as long as she wants to take things slow, what other choice do I have?

If I don't chase tamales/go out clubbing, then she is having her cake and eating it too... but if I do go out and party ONCE IN A WHILE, I might 1) meet someone else who will appreciate me or 2) shake things up/make my ex jealous enough for her to realize that I won't be single for long

That is my opinion... but I do appreciate your advice and some of it was on the nail

[asking]

You are welcome, Tabbarat! I have been reading your adventures with interest. It's hard not to have a strong opinion at the moment, as I just broke up with my own boyfriend and am feeling pretty passionate about everything...

So I don't think it's your job to prevent her from having her cake and eating it too. At the beginning, you said you really just wanted to win her back and that was all you cared about. I respected that because it put you in a brave and vulnerable position. I thought it was heroic.

But your clubbing undermines your moral high ground completely and probably leaves her feeling that you aren't committed. (She may even wonder if she starts back up with you, if you'll continue the clubbing and hooking up behind her back.) The whole point is to establish trust and commitment on both sides. She's waiting for you to show it;you are waiting for her to show it.

You are at an impasse. So I think you, Tabbarat, should either return to your previous position of wanting to do anything to win her back, or else move on. If the former, you should give up the clubbing and dating and hooking up, give her a deadline of, say, 3 months and see her only. Have you considered proposing? Maybe that's what she wants to hear? Otherwise, as I say, move on. But give yourself some time to figure out which is the thing you really want.

I think this is becoming a toxic situation, not good for either of you. Even if one of you capitulates and you eventually end up together, these attempts to create jealousy on both sides will probably haunt your relationship.

Good luck. I still admire your fortitude.

[tabbarat]

I like what I'm reading!

I know what I really want.. it is to be with her... to be honest I'm happier when I'm watching a movie with her or having dinner with her, than when I'm out with the boys trying to hook up in a club

But I'm afraid that if I keep the status quo ("im fine being with u while u also still have feelings for ur ex of 10 yrs"), she will be having her cake and eating it too... I need to shake things up a bit... make her feel once in a while that I'm gong out, have my own life, and maybe will meet someone else... everyone wants what they can't have

U are right, the clubbing and tamales undermine my moral ground... but I don't want to risk being in the friend zone, and that is why the 3 month trial period is shaky...

And like I said, if I go out then I will either meet someone else who will end this "toxic situation" or get her jealous enough to think "what am i doing? giving up someone great for a long distance ex"

However, I do still show her that I genuinely care about her and want to be with her... I see her almost everyday.. so we do have the intimate moments and convos, etc. and have fun, and tell each other the typical sweet things, with the hand holding, etc...

The going out and trying to hook up is maybe once a week if not less.. just to release some steam and hang out with the boys as well

Appreciated advice again, and sorry to hear about your relationship.. wanna talk about it? :)

[tabbarat]

Hmmm... after our last encounter, we settled things and we had a talk.. I told her that I love being with her and how things are going, but that technically I still am single, and sometimes want to go out alone or with the boys.. she agreed

We went on to have 5 great days.. again with the talking and kissing and having fun, being a couple, etc.

But THIS time, I was the one that sort of caused a problem... I have an issue at work going on and I felt like talking to her about it... so I felt like seeing her... when I was with her, she gets a call from some guy (a friend/client of hers) that invites her to dinner with his friends.. when she considered going, I got bothered... I told her it was cool, but she could tell I was bothered... and then she "flipped the script" as they say (turned the tables), and said that "u know, we technically are still single, so u shouldnt be bothered/asking me who im going out with"... that pissed me off... so I left

But 30 minutes later I sent her a text saying, "ur right..we are not bf and gf to question each other...u know im not the possessive type, its just bc i felt like talking to u about work...anyway, it doesnt matter...enjoy and take care"

I didn't find out if she went out or not... didnt call her and she didn't call either.. but I did go out with my friends to a club... had a good time, but no hot tamales :)

[Mom of 2]

Do you REALLY like what is going on? Deep down inside I don't think that you do. You are so invested on getting the goal of "winning her" that you are losing sight to what is really going on. It's almost like you are so focused on keeping your eye on the prize that you are oblivious to the drama and you are telling yourself that it is okay. There is a lot more drama going on than there needs to be. Based on what you have mentioned in your posts, I don't think that this girl is worth your time. Go out and have fun and stop texting her, stop calling her, STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!! This has been going on far too long and it is getting you no where. She may be confused, but how much longer are you willing to allow this to continue? At least you have an answer, that you are not gf/bf. How can you love someone and how can someone love you when you are not gf/bf?

[tabbarat]

I agree with you that there is more drama going on than there needs to be...

When I said I like what is going on, I meant about when things are good between us... of course not the two times we argued...

Of course I like being with her like a couple again, and she does to (to her own admission)... we even started going to the gym together (her idea)... so I'm not the only one calling and texting and making plans; it is very equal...

And in fact, she told me smthg the other day: "that she is trying to get over her bf!"... she is still not, but she WANTS to... starting to realize that her life is here, he is back in ukraine, and she hasn't seen him in almost 10 mnths... that is obviously good news, and maybe she is starting to see the light!

Of course I hate it when we get into this "grey area" and argue/get bothered when one of us wants to go out with other people, but I did get myself into this mess, and willing to deal with it... I should not let it bother me, and most of the times it doesn't... but the fact that she told me that she is trying to get over her boyfriend is a start...

[tabbarat]

And about her not being worth my time... she is! Because I go out with my friends, I meet girls, I party, I drink, hot tamales, enjoy, etc... but when I go back home and get ready to sleep, SHE is the one I think about...

And its not because she is a "prize", its because I genuinely do love her and care about her... we have a great time together, and love talking to each other, and seeing each other, etc... again I say that I prefer going to a movie with her than hooking up with a hot tamale

[tabbarat]

Hmmm... I missed writing smthg the other time... when I got bothered that she was considering going for dinner with those guys, she also said the same line I threw at her last weekend, which was "sometimes i just want to go out and be alone"...

The only difference is I didn't handle it as well as she did last weekend... what I said was: "u want to be alone, then fine, be alone" and drove off...

Although I did message her later saying: "ur right..we are not bf and gf to question each other...i apologize..u know im not the possessive type, its just bc i felt like talking to u about work...anyway, it doesnt matter...enjoy and take care"...

I failed to write the last part: "anyway, i will do what u want, and leave u alone"

We haven't spoken in 2 days... hmmm... did I overreact? I don't think she meant it in a bad way... just setting limits like I did last weekend... but I think my overreaction blew it out of proportion... I think I lost my cool...

My message later apologizing and explaining why it happened, may have cooled things down a bit... but I think she is waiting for me to call and patch things up and apologize on the phone

Anyway, I'll give it one or 2 more days then call/see her...

What do you guys think? I overreacted? Is she waiting for me to call? Isn't she supposed to call?

PLEASE NO MORE COMMENTS LIKE: Hasn't THIS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH, WE TOLD U SO, U SHOULD HAVE DONE NO CONTACT, ETC.

ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW... WE ARE AT A NEW STAGE NOW...

PLEASE JUST ADVICE ON THE SITUATION AS OF NOW

Thank u!

[wikedjuggalo]

I think you got a dose of your own medicine and did not like it one bit.

[tabbarat]

Your right man... last weekend when I wanted to be with the boys and didn't invite her, she got pissed.. and when I told her sometimes I want to be alone, she didn't drive off and get pissed..

I shouldn't have told her 'fine, then be alone'... I should have stayed cool... my message apologizing and explaining may have helped, but I think she is waiting for me to make a move

Thanks

[Mom of 2]

You are asking for only comments that go along with what you want to hear and what you have been rationalizing for so long. All that I am going to say is if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Playing games only prolongs what is not meant to be. True love NEVER plays games, yet the both of you continue to play games.

[Mom of 2]

i shouldnt have told her 'fine, then be alone'...i should have stayed cool...my message apologizing and explaining may have helped, but i think she is waiting for me to make a move

thanks

First, you can never undo what has already been done so stop agonizing over it. The only thing that can happen is that you learn from your mistakes. Second, you may not have said it in the "perfect" way, but something had to be said. Going along as though everything is peachy keen is not the right thing either. I think that you have been keeping these frustrated feelings under wraps for far too long and that is why you lost your cool.

[tabbarat]

Your right, mom of 2.. can't deny the fact

[tabbarat]

If I could, I would have given you more reputation, mom of 2! :)

Those bottled feelings must have burst... ur right.. I have it harder than she does... she has her boyfriend of 10 yrs AND me... while I have her AND hot tamales every now and then... so I have more to lose I think... interesting...

Anyway, I bumped into her today in the mall... she told me the reason she was pissed at me was because I was acting like her boyfriend back in ukraine!. being all possessive and stuff... and she hates that... she wants to be able to be alone sometimes JUST like I want to as well, and go out with the boys

Anyway, I apologized again for the overreaction, explained why, and told her that I hate fighting with her (she agreed), and that we should just be honest with each other from now on... it was stupid for us not to talk for 2 days and waste the weekend before I travel (going on a business trip next weekend), because before anything we are best friends! (truth)

So, the weekends fight was solved... we agreed to be honest with each other, and sometimes let each other be single and not act possessive

Anyway, it turned out she did go meet those guys and they had drinks (ok, I believe her)... but then I told her I went out clubbing both nights and got wasted and barely remember what happened ;)... it pissed her off a bit... its the truth! And I told her its because I was angry, and that despite everywhere I went and whoever I met, at the end of the night, before I went to sleep, she was the one I thought about and missed for 2 days! (the truth, and she liked it)

So back to square 1 folks... and that concludes today's lesson :)

[tabbarat]

By the way, when we decided lets be honest with each other, it doesn't only mean we be truthful about what happens when we have our "single" days, but also that if she ever meets/like someone else to tell me... I can handle her boyfriend because he is in ukraine, but not some new prick here in dubai.. it would be bye bye for me

She said that I do the same if I meet someone/fall for one of my tamales... she would hope we stay friends but doubts it because she likes me too much

How is that for honesty!! Lol

[talaniman]

You mean your going along being her unofficial boyfriend??

Hey dude, that's as backward as it gets. So what you have is an agreement to be there for her without a commitment, until one of you wakes up, and finds someone else.

Talk about honesty, does she know about the hot tamale?? Oh that's right, you didn't fall for her, you just nailed her. That doesn't count, since you agreed to be honest??

You really have to stretch to see a healthy friendship at this point.