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tabbarat · Oct 24, 2008, 07:01 PM

I never understood people who go full no contact if they still love the girl and would get back with her if she asked?

I understand the NC strategy to let someone breathe, or calm down, or realize what their missing, but I never liked the "go NC and hope she comes back, or maybe she will come back"

I was always the "if u want smthg, work for it" kind of guy... but that's just me

Good luck to u

Guidostern · Oct 24, 2008, 07:57 PM

Thanks guys, I appreciate your support.

Tab, the thing is while yes, I am still very vulnerable and yeah... you know what... I would go right back to her if she called me up right now. I'm not too proud to say that I'm still at that stage. The point of NC in this case is to help me move on and allow those feelings to go somewhere else, or deminish.

While yes, I'm the same way; you want something, you go after it... in this case, I can't get it if she doesn't want it...

De4rest · Oct 24, 2008, 10:06 PM

Wow, Guido you are really committed in doing the NC thing. I applaud you for that =). Do you mind if I ask you the reason you two broke up??

Guidostern · Oct 25, 2008, 09:19 AM

It was a bunch of different factors that contributed to it... I normally don't talk about it, but I'm willing to...

She didn't like the line of work that I'm in... I'm a police officer... this is because I've had a couple of close calls... and before that, I was in the Army and that drove her nuts too because of what my job was.

Out of respect for myself and her, I will just say that the last straw is that she started lying to me and I can't deal with that... anyways, we got into an argument and I couldn't fully trust her answer. I took some time and went to a friends place for a few days. Well, I didn't get as much time as I needed and of course, went back. It lasted another two days and that was it... I left and now we're no longer talking... but honestly, most of the problems that happened took place because I got weak with her... after weakness follows insecurites... Women don't like weak, insecure men... and my ex needs the old me, not the one that I had become... so yeah...

To be honest, I hate NC... I want nothing more than to call her and assure her that everything is okay. My friends are telling me that things will work out, but I don't know for sure... I'm not banking on anything yet... I want it to work back out, but as long as we can't trust each other, then we're not going to work like we used to. I'm very forgiving when it comes to her and it sucks because no matter what she were to do, for whatever reason I would forgive her. My friends say that's a part of loving someone unconditionally, the way that you should love your wife or husband... me, I say it's a lot of BS... but I'm just worrying about me now... so I'm making a lot of improvements... but not for her... for me.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 09:32 AM

My friends say that's a part of loving someone unconditionally, the way that you should love your wife or husband... me, I say it's a lot of BS

I agree, who needs BS, or drama.

Guidostern · Oct 25, 2008, 10:59 AM

Yeah, I am finally starting to see that too. It's taken me a long time to figure that one out.

There was never any NEED for drama or BS in our relationship. For a very long time it wasn't there. Then one day, it's like "oh, didn't you know...this relationship is going to require some work." Now a lot of people say that it's the move that we made from one state to another that killed our relationship... some say that it's because we met when she was so young... I mean, yeah, she had just turned 19 and hadn't gotten to experience all of the things that I had gotten to. I say this... we're the ones who killed our relationship. We did that by not communicating with each other, and not being honest with each other. We can't blame any one person, or any one event on it... that's just the way it happened.

I've told someone this recently, before this relationship could ever work; we've both got to want it. It can't be one person giving in for the sake of the others happiness... if we do that, then we're just going to end up in the same place we started... my friends also tell me that I should consider moving back at some point... they say that you can't fix a problem like this being 500 miles away from each other... I say give it some time and see where it goes... like I said in the beginning; if it's meant to be, it will be...

tabbarat · Oct 25, 2008, 03:28 PM

It seems you made up your mind... then good luck to you... anyone that makes up his mind and does what he feels will not leave him regretting anything, I can support

So I guess give it time and if its meant to be it will.. I chose the other way, but each person knows his girl and situation best

Take care

Guidostern · Oct 25, 2008, 08:00 PM

Oh, don't get me wrong... like I said, I want to fight for her very much. The problem is though, fighting her for the right to be with her again is kind of a losing battle if you know what I mean... I just know that the two of us need our space and time apart... even if that is seeing other people or whatever... I am far from making up my mind, and I will be the first one to tell you that...

jmw0713 · Oct 25, 2008, 08:34 PM

Go with your gut instinct. If you think she is with someone else why chase her more, especially if she has been lying to you and breaking down your trust. With out trust you have nothing. That's what happened with me and my ex, while we were on a break. She kept talking about this guy, breaking my trust. I was just to naïve to realize her true motive. I DIDN'T go with my gut...

If you have to fight with her to be with her... that is not good. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you, and not putting you through all of the BS.

Man up! Take a break for a bit, and rebuild your life WITHOUT her. Only then will your see through her BS and realize what's going on. Also talk everything out with friends and family.
They will offer you some face to face insight on your situation and help you figure things out. It been helping me out plenty. I've already noticed an improvement in myself and I just found out all the BS that was going on with my ex 6 days ago!! Yea, I have weak times almost everyday since, but definitely not as bad as the day after I found out what was going on!

It takes time... but don't waste your energy on someone who does want the same thing that you do.

wikedjuggalo · Oct 25, 2008, 08:42 PM

Look damn it. I'll explain this as nicely as I can. If it was meant to be this would not have happened. The trust is gone and without that you can not have a healthy relationship. Move on without her and wait for the one who won't do things like this. She went on break to feel guilt free with hooking up with that guy which she did! No he is gone and an attempt to light the back burner failed, good for you bad for her. Move on to better things !

Guidostern · Oct 26, 2008, 05:51 AM

Okay... Look... don't even start telling me to "man up"... you don't know me... first of all, read the damn post... it says "fighting her to be with her is a losing battle." So obviously I have started to move on already...

And, I'm well aware of the F'ing situation of her having a fling with someone else... don't tell me that she did it to be guilt free because "she wanted to do it anyways." The fact of the f'ing matter is that we broke each others trust, I was no angel in all of this sh*t either... I couldn't give her what she needed... I became weak... so yeah, the break up was the right thing to happen... so don't even start telling me about moving on... I'm already moving the H on...

And you can't say that this would have never happened when if it was meant to be... my best friends parents are a prime example of that. They split up for 3 years after being together for 2... three years into it, they had pretty much removed themselves from each others lives... one day, she calls him up and what do you know... a year later my friend is born... so yeah, nothing is impossible... and like I said before, am I banking on this to happen to she and I? H NO... so yeah, it's okay for me to set and think that it would be nice that it didn't happen... that doesn't make me a child, or a boy... I'm a man...

Don't set and question my integrity... you two don't even have the respect and trust from me needed to start doing that since you don't know me...

Don't mean to be so harsh... I'm just being open and honest... sorry if you don't like it.

tabbarat · Oct 26, 2008, 06:43 AM

Yeah, I hate it when people tell you to man up and what to do when they don't even know u, and all they know is some words on a computer...

Happened to me tens of times on my thread! :)

U just got to appreciate the different advice you get, take what you think is relevant, and do it

I actually re-read your post... I somehow missed the part about another guy being in the picture... or she had a fling with a guy...

U have to really decide if you can still trust her or not... then decide if you want her back..

The only thing I hate more than regret is being cheated on or doubting my girl

I told my girl straight (if you read my thread): "i know we love each other and have a great time together, etc..but we are both technically still single..so the moment u like someone else, or have the urge to want to be with someone else, tell me! bc i dont like sitting and wondering and doubting..i will do the same for u"

Guidostern · Oct 26, 2008, 09:11 AM

Yeah... the fling happened AFTER I LEFT though... that's what they don't seem to get... once we're broken up, that's her business on how she fills the void of me being gone... which I know for a fact (a very reliable source) that is what she was doing. She didn't even do anything at all with this guy the first time they hung out... again I know this from the same person... so yeah, I have no problem if she's seeing someone else now... I know from the emails that I get periodically that she wants me to come back at times. The problem between us, besides the trust is... well, we're both too proud to give into each other right now... and we don't always communicate the way we should... we actually used to communicate via email when we were having problems. That way, we both got what we had to say out, without being interrupted... plus, we were both over it by the time we seen each other again.

Anyway, yeah... I hate it when people want to judge my character over what has been put on a thread... the thing is, they question whether I'm being a man about this... look, I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT... it takes more of a man to walk away from the woman he loves than it does for one to stay and beg his way back... there, I'm off my soap box for now... anyone else want to have a jab?

Guidostern · Nov 16, 2008, 08:32 PM

Well, NC lasted another day after my last post, basically. I was involved in a "crash" while working. While I was still out, my brother called my ex. Her and a friend rushed to the town I'm living in now.

She stayed with me for a week after I got out of the hospital... taking care of me and stuff... we got a chance to actually sit down and talk about things with no outside distractions at all... no one trying to make choices for either one of us. We're still not "together", but we've been talking of course... she stayed with me for a week after all... but anyway, she said last time I talked to her (before she left because she couldn't afford to miss anymore work) she said that the excitement was back for her. Honestly, I feel the same way. It's like we don't really even know each other anymore... I mean, we know what our likes and dislikes are, but we are acting completely different around each other.

I haven't quite opened up yet even though I'm about to explode inside, but I don't know... I don't want to allow myself to have any hope either because I'm not sure within myself that it will really work out or not.

I haven't talked to her all week since she left. She has called me, but I've been busy trying to get well again. She wants me to move back home, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for that yet.

On another positive note, when we talked, we both told one another everything that we were hiding from each other. I'm pretty closed off right now because I don't want to get hurt, but her best friend says that I have nothing to worry about because she realizes exactly what she was missing with me being gone.

Myself and one of my PD/old Army buddies think that she just realized this after I had the "crash" while working. To me, it shouldn't have taken me almost losing my life for her to realize exactly how much I mean to her, but I can't say what she was feeling before either, so it wouldn't be fair to say that this is the reason for her sudden new found glory.

wikedjuggalo · Nov 16, 2008, 09:00 PM

Set it free and if it comes back... blah blah =D. Its up to you were you decided to take it now. But before you make a decision look back to the past on what happened. Both of you must be ready to work on what went wrong in order for it to last. I hope you weigh the choices here. I hope also you make a speedy and good recovery man.

Just for the record word of mouth from friends can be misleading consult the source.

talaniman · Nov 16, 2008, 09:40 PM

Whatever the case, there is no hurry to make a decision. At this point, everything can wait until you are healed, and at full strength. Just pay attention to what goes on around you. Then when your ready to make a decision for yourself, you'll have facts amd not just emotions.

Speedy recovery!

tabbarat · Nov 17, 2008, 01:10 AM

I agree with the above 2 posts... decide if you really want her back first or not... ball in your court.. the crash can be emotional to the both of u

Get well soon...

Guidostern · Nov 19, 2008, 03:03 PM

Thanks guys... I appreciate it. I still haven't talked to her. She's called a few times while I've been out, but I'm not avoiding her either. I've been taking a lot of time to think about things and I'm starting to see things in a new light.

I think I'll probably move back, but I don't want to live together just yet. I think that we'll be fine this time because there was a release of crap that started to come out while she was here. This time though, I'm in a position where I won't get hurt again... if it doesn't work out, then I'm no worse off than I am now... if it does, that's great... we can go on with our lives again.

Guidostern · Dec 30, 2008, 01:05 PM

Well, just an update to the NC...

I didn't talk to her from the 20th (of November) until yesterday. I was in town taking care of something with a friend of mine. We went to grab something to eat and she walked in... to say the least, I was shocked.

Of course, just like everyone else, I thought that these feelings had finally left me... man was I wrong...

She noticed me and basically ditched the guy she was with to come talk to me. I stood up, being the respectful type of guy that I am... she smiled and hugged me... we talked for about 20 minutes or so until I said "Oh, look there...your date has left you..."

She asked me to come with her and I walked outside behind her... he was gone... she came back in and had a bite with my buddy and myself... She didn't have a ride back home, so I took her there and dropped her off... she wished me a safe trip back home and I was on my way.

I thought for sure these feelings were gone... I hadn't even thought about her for a second in over a month... then I seen her... it was like a the dam broke and my entire body became flooded by the old feelings... it was just like old times... no drama... just she and I. It was great... no fighting, talking about old times, and just doing things like we used to...

My friends tell me to stay away, but I have this unusual urge to just get in my truck and drive back there. I'm not going to do that because I've got my job to do, but the feeling is still there after almost 4 months...

kctiger · Dec 30, 2008, 01:58 PM

4 months isn't that long of a time. I am in the same boat, so I know how you feel. Just take more time for yourself and by all means avoid anymore contact with her. You still love her, which is understandable, as I still love my ex. It is hard, especailly this time of year, but you know what you need to do, and you know you can do it...