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myheart0345 · Oct 24, 2008, 11:30 PM

Why do guys break up with you and than after they keep calling you or wanting to see you?

Clough · Oct 24, 2008, 11:48 PM

Hi, myheart0345!

One reason might be because of the length of time for the relationship and other bonds that might have been made between the two people in that same relationship that go beyond the romantic part of the relationship.

I know that after my wife and I divorced a long time ago, that after we got over the initial anger part of the separation, that I would call her for advice about things because I knew that she was a person whom I could trust that could give me good advice about certain things not related to our relationship.

I'm hopeful that others will also come along to address your question, because there might be a lot of reasons depending on the situation...

Thanks!

myheart0345 · Oct 24, 2008, 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, myheart0345!

One reason might be because of the length of time for the relationship and other bonds that might have been made between the two people in that same relationship that go beyond the romantic part of the relationship.

Well we were together for almost 2 years and I go to him for everything even now... so I know what your saying.. but its just weird.. I don't get why we should even be broken up if we still talk everyday and hang out at least once or twice a week... it just confuses me since we only broke up a few weeks ago.. that's why I don't get why they break up with you but still call =( it kind of makes it harder to move on.

Clough · Oct 25, 2008, 12:04 AM

Originally Posted by myheart0345

Well we were together for almost 2 years and i go to him for everything even now... so i know what your saying.. but its just weird.. i dont get why we should even be broken up if we still talk everyday and hang out at least once or twice a week...it just confuses me since we only broke up a few weeks ago.. thats why i dont get why they break up with you but still call =( it kind of makes it harder to move on.

There is comfort in doing what one has been used to doing rather than going out into the unknown to start something new.

A few weeks ago really isn't very long ago... Are you sure that the break-up is truly what both of you want?

Yes, it can definitely make it harder to move on and also confusing.

If you're uncomfortable with the continued contact with him, have you told him that you are?

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 12:13 AM

Originally Posted by Clough

Are you sure that the break-up is truly what both of you want?

He broke up with me so I don't want this but he does. He says he just really needs time and I know my insecurities made it hard to be with so I'm trying to work on that. We both say we shouldn't talk for a while because its too hard but one of us usually ends up calling the other one. When we see each other we act like we never broke up. But every once in a while relationship stuff or emotional stuff will come up and that's when he "remembers" he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I know I shouldn't talk to him. I know I should avoid him but its hard. I think it would be better for me but I'm still around.

TexasParent · Oct 25, 2008, 12:29 AM

Why put a label on it? If you are still doing the things that you did when you were "going out" the what's the difference. Does "going out" mean a commitment, and not "going out" means no commitment? You really need to understand what the difference is for him.

When he is "going out" with you are you more demanding? When he isn't "going out" with you are you more scared and less demanding?

Does the relationship run smoother when you aren't officially "going out"? If so, why not be just be friends if you are doing all the same things and things run smoother.

Just take a chill pill and simply enjoy each other without the drama of "going out" or not "going out".

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 12:34 AM

Originally Posted by TexasParent

Just take a chill pill and simply enjoy each other without the drama of "going out" or not "going out".

I don't mind just enjoying the time we spend together but why not be boyfriend and girlfriend? I just want to be with him... with or without the title. But I don't want to be with him or spend time with him if I'm not the only one. Sometimes I think he doesn't want to be "together" because he wants to be free to date other girls even though he says that's not what he wants.

TexasParent · Oct 25, 2008, 12:45 AM

Originally Posted by myheart0345

I dont mind just enjoying the time we spend together but why not be bf and gf? I just want to be with him... with or without the title. But i dont want to be with him or spend time with him if im not the only one. Sometimes i think he doesnt want to be "together" because he wants to be free to date other girls even though he says thats not what he wants.

Has he dated other girls since you haven't been going out? Also, what is it that he is looking for in these other girls that he doesn't find in you? Perhaps if you find out what that is, you can address it.

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 12:52 AM

Originally Posted by TexasParent

Has he dated other girls since you haven't been going out? Also, what is it that he is looking for in these other girls that he doesn't find in you? Perhaps if you find out what that is, you can address it.

When I ask him he says that's not what he wants (other girls) But if I'm feeling insecure about it I ask him again if he is dating anyone because if he did I wouldn't be around. He sasy he can do whatever he wants if he wants to date other girls he will but that's not what he wants. Instead of just saying no I'm not dating other girls he says all this stuff about him doing what he wants. So that's when I figured out that maybe his problem is I'm too insecure and/or he feels like I'm telling him what to do so I've been working on ot being so insecure. I just don't know how to get over it and just know he's not going to be like that. Even something as simple as myspace. He made one and the first thing I thought was.. he wants it to hook up with other girls. Maybe I should work on my insecurities before I even think about getting him back. Its hard when he calls and wants to see me because I want to see him too.

TexasParent · Oct 25, 2008, 01:07 AM

May I ask how old you are? Also, you are right staying away from him, because each time you see him without that commitment from him you are volunteering for this emotional abuse from him.

I know it's difficult not to see him as we all have emotional needs that we like to have met. Also, if you tend to be insecure you likely crave even negative companionship rather than no companionship at all.

When we give something up (him in this case) if we don't replace it with something, we will go back to it. I'm not suggesting that you jump into another relationship, but you would be surprised how little you would miss him if you found some sort of social outlet that connects you with other people. Like going out with girlfriends, joining a club, pursuing a hobby, going to the library, etc. The trick is to keep yourself busy preferably with other people or with a good book, just fill your time with healthy things and/or healthy people.

If you hang around people that help you feel good about yourself, then your self-esteem issues will lessen. You can't work on self-esteem without the affirmation of others to some degree and the rest is internal where you reject the negative self-talk you've become accustomed to an again 'replace' it with positive self-talk; self-affirming talk.

In my humble opinion is that this guy does not have your best interest in his heart, he is only concerned with what he wants or desires. It's time to stop being a doormat and start living the life you want on your terms.

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 01:14 AM

Originally Posted by TexasParent

It's time to stop being a doormat and start living the life you want on your terms.

You are absolutely right. I really should stop. What if he tries to be with me again? How do I make sure I'm not being a doormat.

(Im 24 and he is 26)

TexasParent · Oct 25, 2008, 01:46 AM

Well the first thing is to set boundries. You could start by saying and then start believing something like this:

I'm sorry but this situation is not good for me, it is damaging me. You either decide that I am the only one you want, or you get none of me. You insult me with this on again off again garbage. "Am I treasure to you, or am I trash?" I won't be trash anymore. I would rather be without you instead of you diminishing me by only needing me for your own selfish desires; whether that be companionship when your lonely, comforting when your scared, sex when your horny, etc, etc.

What about my needs, security, honest commitment, real love.

Unless you start treating me like the woman you want to spend the rest of your life loving. Then I am going to move on an grow my spirit elsewhere. I have loved you, but it's clear by your actions you don't love me back. This damages me; is it all your fault, no, I have volunteered over and over again. It's time for me to grow and to not accept the unacceptable.

If you want to maintain a friendship, perhaps down the road a bit, but I need to be on my own for a while to heal. I will not be your buddy, I will not be your mother, I won't be your friend until that 'other' woman you are searching for comes into your life and you leave me in ditch like roadkill, I won't hurt myself anymore.

So unless you can prove to me that I am the one for you, it's over. We might be friends (without benefits) in time, but I will be the one who decides if I am ready for it.

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 01:55 AM

That was everything I've been wanting to say but never knew how...
I'm going to tell him tomorrow thank you for the great advice...

Clough · Oct 25, 2008, 02:01 AM

Yes, it certainly was great advice! However, if you want to remain at least amicable with him and end things on a good note without becoming enemies, then I would suggest saying it in a way like you are having a challenge with the situation and he is the one who can help you to solve the problem that you are having.

Just a thought...

myheart0345 · Oct 25, 2008, 02:09 AM

Im not really sure what I want. I know I don't want to be friends it would be too hard.. but I will try and end things on a good note.

Well ill try anyway... because right now I feel really angry and hurt that we broke up.

Clough · Oct 25, 2008, 02:25 AM

You do need some time to yourself, myheart0345, to sort things out and just be who you are and where you are without the burden of trying to resolve a relationship according to the needs and wants of another person.

Time can and does heal...

Please take time for yourself and move on the way that you need to without putting a guilt trip of any kind on yourself. You've already asked for help and received it. Time to take some action, firmly but gently...

Please just give yourself time... There's no need to be in a hurry about anything.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 08:04 AM

Sometimes I think he doesn't want to be "together" because he wants to be free to date other girls even though he says that's not what he wants.

This is so common around here. For whatever reason, your there to ease his emotions, after this break up, and your angry and confused because you think that by spending time together, he will change his mind.

Sorry, it seldom works that way, as he has what he had before (you), but free to roam, WITHOUT GUILT, while your still stuck on him.

Disappear from his life, and enjoy your own freedom, and end the confusion. Let him solve his own life, without you.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.