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18goats · Oct 24, 2008, 11:39 AM

My ex BF says I am going nuts. That is not possible. I got divorsed 18 months ago. Moved a new BF into my house 6 months after that. 6 months after he moved in I had to ask him to leave because he was not the father I envisioned for my 14 YO son. Now 4 months after I got rid of that drunk. Now I have a wonderful man that I want to marry next spring. I think 3 months is long enough to decide if I want to get married. Love is Love! And I truly love this man and he loves my son. I need security in my life and this man will provide it. He is perfect from what I can see. Sure, we don't live together yet, but I know the future is going to be perfect. My son has many problems with school, getting in trouble, and is generally a typical teen who plays video games all day. Sure, I started buying him cigarettes at age 12, but if I didn't, he would just get them from somewhere else. And he smokes pot. I told him to be careful and not get caught. I just can't figure out where he is getting the pot. It drives me crazy sometimes. How does a high school age kid get pot?
I admite that I still drink and get mad at times, but I am in control of things. I am sure my new BF will have a loving relationship with my son. Better than the last two losers. Sure, it's my 4th marriage, but this one is going to work. I'm positive that it will be different this time. This guy is so perfect and I can't wait to move him in, get married and be a happy family. My ex talks bad about me and this decision to marry so soon after our break-up. But what he doesn't understand is that I am in love. I loved him also, but it just didn't work. I admite, he was nice and treated me very well, but he didn't fit my needs as a father figure for this loving son of mine.
I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not, please help.

Alty · Oct 24, 2008, 12:22 PM

Okay, I smell a troll, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and try to answer your question. First, I'd like to point out a few things.

Sure, I started buying him cigarettes at age 12, but if I didn't, he would just get them from somewhere else.

If he wanted to drink would you buy him alcohol. What about cocaine, if he wants to do coke will you buy it for him? You are the parent, you do not buy a 12 year old cigarettes, ever! :(

And he smokes pot. I told him to be careful and not get caught.

What? What? What? He smokes pot, and instead of getting him help you tell him not to get caught. Pot is illegal, you are aware of that, right? If he wanted to steal would you tell him to just make sure he doesn't get caught? Wow!

Sure, it's my 4th marriage, but this one is going to work.

You've known this new guy for 3 months, how can you possibly know this marriage will work. Obviously you've been wrong before.

I admite, he was nice and treated me very well, but he didn't fit my needs as a father figure for this loving son of mine.

What are your expectations of a father figure for you son? Someone who buys his cigarettes and pot for him?

You have no idea what it takes to be a responsible parent, you're the last one who should be judging someone else's capabilites.

Personally I don't think you're ready to get married to anyone, I think you should work on yourself first, get some help for you and your son, then think about finding a stable relationship.

Good luck.

18goats · Oct 24, 2008, 12:41 PM

What is a troll? I never understood that.

Alty · Oct 24, 2008, 12:45 PM

Definition of Troll

Troll (v.) (1) To deliberately post derogatory or inflammatory comments to a community forum, chat room, newsgroup and/or a blog in order to bait other users into responding.

18goats · Oct 24, 2008, 12:48 PM

OK, But do your mean false comments, or lies? I was being honest with my statement. Why would I lie about that?

Alty · Oct 24, 2008, 12:54 PM

Your post is a bit surreal. The fact that you buy your son cigarettes, allow him to smoke pot, are thinking about marrying a guy you've only known for 3 months when you've already been married 4 times, well, that's a bit to crazy to believe.

If you are being honest then you have serious problems that need to be addressed.

I based my advice on your post, and I stand by that advice. I am a mother as well, I would never buy cigarettes for my kids and I would never condone the use of illegal drugs, NEVER!

You need to stand on your own, help your son, then you can think about a relationship. Love shouldn't be your number one priority right now, your son should.

Good luck.

18goats · Oct 24, 2008, 12:56 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Definition of Troll

"In order to bait others into Responding" Was that the definition? I thought that was the purpose of any forum where people talk. Sorry, am I missing the point?

simoneaugie · Oct 24, 2008, 12:59 PM

I had to ask too. A troll is someone who disrupts the site. Often they ask phony questions or give bad answers.

If your question is sincere, quit drinking. Don't get married yet. Tell your son that smoking anything at his age is illegal for a reason. Do not buy him cigarettes!

Buying pot takes money. His source of income, if he were my son would be an allowance given only if his chores get done. This restriction limits video games since it is not possible to cook, clean the bathroom and do dishes while playing. Yes, at 14 he is old enough to contribute to family well-being. Playing with himself is something he needs to learn to do at appropriate times, for an appropriate time.

18goats · Oct 24, 2008, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

I had to ask too. A troll is someone who disrupts the site. Often they ask phony questions or give bad answers.

If your question is sincere, quit drinking. Don't get married yet. Tell your son that smoking anything at his age is illegal for a reason. Do not buy him cigarettes!

Buying pot takes money. His source of income, if he were my son would be an allowance given only if his chores get done. This restriction limits video games since it is not possible to cook, clean the bathroom and do dishes while playing. Yes, at 14 he is old enough to contribute to family well-being. Playing with himself is something he needs to learn to do at appropriate times, for an appropriate time.

Thank you Simone

Alty · Oct 24, 2008, 02:02 PM

18 goats, if your story is true then you aren't trolling, so no worries.

I am basing my responses on what you posted and quite frankly, your post is shocking to me.

Your son is 14, he needs guidance, structure, stability. You are the parent, you must put your foot down, stop buying him cigarettes and stop turning a blind eye to his pot smoking. He needs a mother, that's you, so start being the mother he needs.

What he doesn't need is a nother man coming into his life. It sounds like you have a revolving door in your bedroom, one man after another, quick to jump into a relationship, quick to jump into marriage, and just as quick to get a divorce.

Have you ever wondered why your marriages don't work out? Could it be that once the man moves in, he realizes that you're too much to handle, and so is your son?

I can't say it enough, you need to get your life and your sons life on track before you introduce anymore "fathers" into your lives.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I learned long ago that sometimes harsh words are the only things that will sink in.

Get help, you only get one shot at life, don't you want to make the most of it?

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 08:36 AM

Thank you for your advice. I don't think I am a troll. I was speaking in the 3rd person or whatever you call it. I am actually the boyfriend that lasted 6 months. I pretended to be the mother in her state of confusion and denial. I was simply trying to get the proper perspective from her actual reality. The facts were all true from her point of view that she would never admite to. The circumstances just had me in a loop. Now I see the replies to her situation and her reality. This whole thing damaged me in a way, and at the same time, she blamed it all on me, when I thought things were pretty normal. But that house was NOT normal by any means. I just needed a different perspective on the stuff in my head. Which Altenweg answered perfectly. I knew I wasn't totally crazy and void of the harshness of reality. Sorry for the deception, but I needed to boost of,, I am not crazy!! The fact that she is married so quickly, proves to me that she is off center too a high degree. She tried for the last 4 months to convince me that I was the bad guy. I beg to differ.

Those were the facts and I even left out the truly bad ones. There is so much more about her that is even worse. It's a good thing that it ended and I didn't dig an even deeper hole for my life. I wish her well, I really do. Just as long as I am not part of that picture.

Thank you for your niceness, John Doe

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 08:37 AM

Your ex is right. You got life, and BS all screwed up, if you think bringing man after man is a good thing for your son, and even worse, the harm your already doing by not giving him stability, and boundaries.

Please seek some help, as this WILL get worse, and your child will pay for it later.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 08:41 AM

I don't think I am a troll.

Deceiver would be a better term, and I have to question your motives, as if you knew what was going on, why haven't you done something about the abuse of her son?

Your both in terrible need of professional help!

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Deceiver would be a better term, and I have to question your motives, as if you knew what was going on, why haven't you done something about the abuse of her son?

Your both in terrible need of professional help!!

It's the fact that I was in love. And sfter finding out what made her son click, I was in a pickle. I liked her son, we got along. He was in fact a very intellegent guy. However, all he talked about was drugs and stuff I didn't want to discuss with him. We had a certain bond of trust. Although,, I wanted nothing to do with his drug referances, If I turned him in to mom, there is the fact that I had to live with him also. What was I going to do? Alienate him? Or alienate her? Like I said, I was in a pickle. And speaking out about his habits would not have been a good idea, given her total dis-belief in reality about her son. She would never believed me,, just like she does not now. Her son does no wrong!! The protective Mother thing was in full swing, do you understand that? I think most mothers do. That mother bond is stronger than anything we understand. I respect that totally. But it leeds to false reality. She had the classic protective thing going,, he does no wrong! How will a temperary BF mess with that?? I tried, but I failed.

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by 18goats

It's the fact that I was in love. And sfter finding out what made her son click, I was in a pickle. I liked her son, we got along. He was in fact a very intellegent guy. However, all he talked about was drugs and stuff I didnt want to discuss with him. We had a certian bond of trust. Although,,, I wanted nothing to do with his drug referances, If I turned him in to mom, there is the fact that I had to live with him also. What was I going to do? Alienate him? Or alienate her? Like I said, I was in a pickle. And speaking out about his habits would not have been a good idea, given her total dis-belief in reality about her son. She would never believed me,,,, just like she does not now. Her son does no wrong!!!! The protective Mother thing was in full swing, do you understand that? I think most mothers do. That mother bond is stronger than anything we understand. I respect that totally. But it leeds to false reality. She had the classic protective thing going,,,, he does no wrong!! How will a temperary BF mess with that????? I tried, but I failed.

And yes, I could have taken charge and smacked this little guy in the head. But as the temperary BF, It was not my right. If she wanted me to be a parent and straighten him out, there is no way I was given right to do that. This boy needed a serious whoopin. It was not my right. And there was no reasoning with him in a real world sense, so you can forget that. That was mamas boy, and none of mine.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 09:28 AM

Leave this alone, as you can't help her, as she needs more than "love", her and her son.

Still no reason to be dishonest, as we aren't dumb here you know.

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave this alone, as you can't help her, as she needs more than "love", her and her son.

Still no reason to be dishonest, as we aren't dumb here you know.

That's why I came here. I respect all of your opinions. I am no Troll. I wanted honest answers to honest questions. Which have been provided. And I thank you for your honesty. A troll,, I am not. Look deeply inside my words. Am I a troll? I mean no disrepect to anyone, ever. I have issues about my life and very being. I am honest, and appriciate the return. TY, John Doe

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave this alone, as you can't help her, as she needs more than "love", her and her son.

Still no reason to be dishonest, as we aren't dumb here you know.

I love your little quotes. Nice ones.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2008, 11:20 AM

Just because some one acts crazy, you can never assume what they are thinking. Pretty much that's what you've done. Tell it straight from your veiw next time, is what I say.

18goats · Oct 25, 2008, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just because some one acts crazy, you can never assume what they are thinking. Pretty much thats what you've done. Tell it straight from your veiw next time, is what I say.

I never called anyone crazy. I think we all have our own clear perspective in our own right.
None of us are sane or insane. We all just have a certain reality about things as we understand them. I don't think anyone is right or wrong. But the opinions of excistance or reality are like black holes in the corners of our minds. No one really knows...