[Toastermadness]

Well, for a little background information, we're both 20 years old. We've been dating for two and half years, and only been having sex for one. He's my first boyfriend, and I'm his second girlfriend by he's only ever had sex with me. We were both sexually molested as children, but I seem to have gotten over it completely as I'm perfectly capable of loving and responding to my boyfriend.

We have a completely understanding relationship, where we were best friends first, then lovers. So we love to do the same things, we laugh at the same jokes. He told me about being sexually molested when we first started 'fooling' around, and I knew immediately we had to take it slow. He didn't even lay a hand on me until six months after we had been dating, even while I pleased him for that period. Six months later we started having sex, and it was okay. I understood that it might be hard for him, so I just did my best to support him and love him even if he came quickly or lost his nerve to have sex. It got better after a while, but it's been a year now. He still can hardly lay a hand on me at all - and if I don't initiate it, we won't have sex.

I just wonder if maybe a year isn't long enough? Or am I doing something wrong? We hardly have sex once a week now, and when we do it lasts at most five minutes. He gets angry at himself, and then won't have sex for days afterward even though I tell him it's all right, and that we should probably keep trying so that he just doesn't fall into the habit of fast, crying, then sleeping.

I feel really terrible about it, like it's my fault. I know it's not, and maybe he just needs some therapy, but there were a lot of times that the sex was great and he had complete control of himself. So, I don't know really what to do. It's gotten so bad, I never , and he never pleases me, and it's leaking into our non-physical time together like when we play video games or go to class. Like I can't have fun knowing that he's disgusted by me or something.

I just needed to rant, so I can't really focus my problem into one queston. Any advice on how to get him interested in me would be wonderful, if any can be given.

[xlady_lambertx]

I have a similar situation my boyfriend and I have been togther for a year and 3 months and we were fine at the beginning having sex nearly every day but recently he isn't interested and its getting me down its got so bad I've had to go buy a vibrator so I can please myself and not be so moody.. its putting strain on our relationship but I don't know what to do to help him I was also sexually abused as a child so I would have thought it was going to me being funny about sex but its just him and I don't know why it started after we dicided to try for a baby...

[Choux]

YOur boyfriend had a traumatic experience being molested and it is effecting not only his sex life but his self-confidence and happiness. He needs to get help from a good professional asap.

Also, you were effected negatively from molestation, but you don't see it. It could be that you and he are a bad combination because of your histories... I don't know... five minutes is long enough for him to stay erect... if you are telling him otherwise, you could be damaging him further, in my opinion.

This is a matter of each of you getting healthier through therapy... getting your story and your emotions out on the open and talking about them. :)

Best wishes to both of you going forward,

[Revival]

It could be more than just the sexually molested thing. I'm sure it plays a big part in it. But he could be embarrassed by the fact that he's not up to it so often. There are several things you can try before seeing a therapist. Certain sexual aids, like a cockring, or a desensitizing condom, something like that, also it could be ED even though he's only 20, something like Cialis or Viagra may help in this situation. Therapy might be an answer but if he's not one for therapy there's always those options. You just got to remember to be the nurturing one and kind of suggest things for him to do, but at the end of the day you can't put the ownace on you. None of this is your fault.

As for you Lady_Lambert, since you kind of seemed to throw your issue onto this post as well. You said you two decided to try for a baby. I assume you two aren't married yet, and he may be second guessing his level of commitment, I mean a year and three months isn't that long together, and a child is one of those "I'm in this for the long-haul" decisions. Your boyfriend is probably starting to pull away because he's in over his head. You two should discuss this whole child thing a little more thoroughly make sure its what he wants and what you want. There's no point in getting pregnant only to have him decided he's into deep , and leave you as a single mom, because it does happen.