[BrokenLovedOne]

Hello,

I don't really know where to start with this, but I'm going to try. I seen a post that is kind of like my problem, but I'm not one to put my nose into someone else's business.

Okay, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a little over 5 years. We were engaged, and just knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. He has since moved, and now I have some of our mutual friends telling me that he's drinking quite a bit, and slipping back down into alcoholism... He lost control of this one time while we were together, but I was there to support him... now he's half way across the state and there's nothing I can do... I feel so helpless, and I feel like it's my fault. We had our share of problems, just like any other couple, but why would he do this to himself and do this to me?

He would never talk about his drinking problems that he had before we got together, but I do know that it stems from him being over in Iraq for almost 2 years Afgahnistan for another 18 months. I have tried and tried to get him to see a counselor, but he says that it will never do any good, because the nightmares will never go away. He's had a very hard time dealing with it, and up until now, I've been with him through every step... never scalding him when he trips up or anything.

I broke up with him because he's grown very distant. We were planning our wedding, going and doing all the stuff that newly engaged couples do... and then it's like he just suddenly quit having any interest in it at all. He began to drink again, even though it wasn't a lot, he was still drinking... and finally he told me that he was no good for me, and that my dad should have never said yes when he asked my dad permission to marry me... it's horrible, I want him so bad... but I know that he has to fix himself first... I just don't know what to do anymore. I could drive to where he is living, get him, and bring him back here, but our friends say that he's hurt very badly and they can't hardly get him to talk to them... what do I do to help him? Should I take him back?

[holeinheart21]

Well, my first question is: Why did you break up with him? I understand he has grown distant and maybe you were thinking that if you broke up with him then he would open his eyes. Maybe that isn't the case, but I guess it's kind of like you were kicking a man while he was down, and now you feel bad about it. Why wouldn't you have considered going over there to help him before you decided to break up with him, since you seem to believe that a lot of the problems were related to his time overseas. I understand that this hasn't been completely fair to you, but then again this is the man you were going to marry and were in love with. I'm not trying to say you have to do anything for him, but on the flipside, what if he needed you and your presence would be all that he needed to get him a little boost, to get things back on track. I just hate seeing people quit on things... I guess that is just the person that I am, and that other people on the site may strongly disagree with me, but sometimes, it takes give 5% extra to make things work, than just giving up 95% by not caring.

[BrokenLovedOne]

I broke up with him because over the last three months, he hasn't done hardly anything to help me with the wedding... he quit telling me that he loves me, and he even started staying in another bedroom.

I thought that's what he wanted... I sat down with him a few weeks ago... the night of Sept 19/20 and told him that I couldn't do this anymore if he wasn't in it. He just simply went and packed his stuff and left that night... it was horrible... I even tried to get him to come back after he left, but he wouldn't answer his phone...

He told one of our mutual friends that he didn't want to leave, and that he still loves me and cares deeply for me, but felt like he was being too much of a burden to me. He feels like I shouldn't have to support him in that manner, and was just causing more stress and problems for me, so he got distant and everything. I was just doing what I thought he wanted. I tried to give back the 1 ct. ring he bought me, but he told me that it was mine, meant for me and no one else... I could see the tears swelling up in his eyes, but he never really cried or said anything. He just kissed me, held me for a minute and left...

[liz28]

He needs help and one step is going to AA and another would be counseling but those are things he have to want to do and that's is the only way it's going help. Don't take the blame for his actions and I can understand you not wanting a person to go down and that's hard to see or hear. Does he have any family where he is at? I think anyone coming home from the army finds it hard sometimes because you never know what they saw or went through there and it can take a toll on there mental. Seeing a counselor would help in many ways but again he has to want it.

[BrokenLovedOne]

He doesn't have any family at all where he is. I can personally say that AA isn't going to do anything at all. It doesn't provide the right type of structure for someone like him.

I know that him seeing a counselor will do wonders, it's just finding one that has been where he has been and not someone who is going to judge him... the last time he went to a counselor, he started to actually open up in front of me, and then the counselor said some horrible things which made him very angry. The guy has never been a Marine or in the Army... he didn't even understand...

I think I can get him to go to counseling, and I actually think that will take care of the drinking problems too... I just don't know whether to go to the town he is living and see if he'll come back... When I said yes to him, I meant it for life... not just during the good times...

[Guidostern]

I know that this is horrible to deal with. I was in the Army and served over there too. I can kind of relate to what he may be feeling.

Right now, he needs something that is going to provide him with some stability, or structure... just like you say.

To help someone like this is a big challenge... you have to make sure that you're up for the task. Get friends around, help him with a support system. But also, leave him be when he needs his time. There are generally good counselors at VA hospitals... a lot of them in group settings... he will be with guys who know what it's like having to relive those times.

I even went to one of these group counselings. It helped me a lot, but I can say that you can't force him into it. Just try to approach him softly with it. Just from what you say, he's already thinking that he's made enough problems for you... you're going to need to be his friend a little more right now than his lover... but your presence can make a world of difference in his life.

It sounds like you're in this though... grab a friend, and go on a road trip...

[BrokenLovedOne]

Well thank you for your advice. I didn't know they would have group meetings like that at VA hospitals... that's something worth looking into.

On the down side though, I called him last night and he finally answered the phone. Surprising, he was sober. We talked for a little while and I told him that I wanted him to come back home. I heard his voice crack as he said "I want to really bad, but I feel like I'm being a burden to you right now." I expressed my opinions on that and told him that I am in this for the long haul... you know, through sickness and in health, until death do us part... and he said "I don't know whether I can put you thru this or not...maybe you should just move on and find someone else."

This crushed me. I don't know what to do... he told me that he loves me very much, but why would he do this? I asked him if he was still in love with me, and he said he was very deeply in love with me... I don't know if I should just go show up on his door step, or if I should give him some time. I don't want to lose him, and I feel like he's moving on already...

[talaniman]

I can understand your pain, but maybe its best to let him deal with his own demons, as hard as that will be for you.

[BrokenLovedOne]

That's what one of my friends said today. He told me that I just need to give him a little space... but it's so hard because I don't want to lose him like that... He called me a little bit ago, and he seemed like his old self. It was nice hearing his voice again... he didn't sound down in the dumps or anything. He told me that he's going to come and see me this weekend, kind of trying to find out if I can handle being with him or not, which makes no sense to me at all...