[Noirness]

I'm sure posts like this have popped up a million times in relationship forums, but since every situation is different I cannot find any information that settles my mind... so I thought I'd post my specific problem here and see if anyone can help.

I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7. Sex in the beginning was awkward since it hurt for me but we still had a fairly healthy sexual relationship (we weren't doing it like rabbits, but we had sex about once a month). About a year after we started having sex, I found some gay porn websites on my computer. I didn't confront him but instead said something like "You should see these pics I found on my compy! They must have downloaded themselves! Too funny!" The pics mysteriously disappeared after that. When I found some gay group memberships in his inbox and asked him about it, he said he checked his e-mail at work and someone must have joined them as a joke. Years later I asked him if he still checked his e-mail at work and he had no idea what I was talking about.

Then, about 3 years ago (after being married) I found some gay pictures in the user cache of my system. Our sex life by this time had dropped off the map and we were lucky to get it on every 3 months. I was pissed and told him that if he was going to look at that crap to clean it off my computer. He told me he wasn't gay and I told him I didn't care that he looked at it, but I wanted to know why. Until this day I have yet to receive an answer. During the same conversation I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me. He gave some lame excuse along the lines of: "The sex the night of our wedding was so good that I didn't think I could live up to that." Ummm, I thought men wanted sex most of the time.

So I started being a little more sexually explorative and offered new and exciting positions, thinking this would respark our sex life and ensure that I could get laid a little more often. No worky. When I try to think of the last time we had sex, I want to say January but it may have been before Xmas. Not entirely sure.

I've been more and more tempted to have an affair (and almost did) although I know this is a totally not the right way of resolving the situation. I just want to be physically close to someone and right now that someone is not my husband. Even if he were to come home and say "You, me, bedroom, now" I would probably refuse him. And I know what you're thinking... "You should talk to him."... I try and try and try. Every time I cry about it, I get sex and then that's it. Nothing changes longterm. So, really, there's no emotional payout for being open about the subject.

I used to blame myself. I used to think that it was because of the pain I expressed during intercourse and he was afraid to hurt me. Well, we stopped using latex condoms (the source of my ouchy) and sex was great after that. Then I blamed it on my birth control (Diane 35, known for extinguishing sexual wantingness) and switched. No worky. I even tried to blame my looks or personality or whatever, but (and I don't mean to toot my own horn) I have had guys express interest in me and even utter the line "If only you weren't married."

I am very very very confused. I love my husband to death and can't imagine life without him, but right now I feel like I'm living with a best friend or roommate. We hold hands and I get quick kisses, but there's no physical intimacy. I'd kiss my best friend the same way if she would let me.

Any meaningful advice at this point would be appreciated. I've spent my whole life trying to figure things out for myself and now I feel completely lost.

[Synnen]

You need to sit your husband down and tell him you are not happy.

Once a month at the beginning of a relationship is NOT very often---that's an extremely low number, in my mind.

Either way, you are contemplating things that will ruin your marriage, so it's time to take a good hard look at the entire picture.

If he will not talk to you, then you need to go to couples counseling.

If he refuses, go to counseling on your own, and be prepared to end your relationship.

Oh---and get a porn blocker on your computer. If he can't GET to the porn, and has to ask you about it, then you have a great opening for THAT conversation---the one that starts, "if you never have time for sex with ME, why do you have time for sex with yourself and the computer?"

[Noirness]

You need to sit your husband down and tell him you are not happy.

Once a month at the beginning of a relationship is NOT very often---that's an extremely low number, in my mind.

Either way, you are contemplating things that will ruin your marriage, so it's time to take a good hard look at the entire picture.

If he will not talk to you, then you need to go to couples counseling.

If he refuses, go to counseling on your own, and be prepared to end your relationship.

Oh---and get a porn blocker on your computer. If he can't GET to the porn, and has to ask you about it, then you have a great opening for THAT conversation---the one that starts, "if you never have time for sex with ME, why do you have time for sex with yourself and the computer?"

You're advice makes sense and these are the things I know I should do... I guess I needed someone to tell me to do them. It's just finding a time where I can totally throw off a whole day by opening this discussion. I haven't mentioned the porn since the last incident and I think he's too scared to download any (mostly because he is computer illerate and has no idea how to clean out temp internet files). I've been sleeping in a separate room for a couple of weeks now ("You're snoring keeps me awake." "It'll be easier for the new cat to settle in if the other two can sleep separately with me.") And while I see no signs of his understanding the true reason for the separate sleeping arrangements, I hope deep down he is recognizing the signs of unhappiness. It'd be so much easier if we didn't get along at all... He's going to be or act completely surprised and that's going to make it harder to get an honest conversation out of him.

[Choux]

I think both of you sound like you were sexually inexperienced when you dated and then got married so young.

I think that is the main sex problem here. Your husband was and is a little cowed by your sexual problems (and dominant personality?). He is just experiementing in a "safe" environment, the internet.

How about getting a *legal separation* so each of you can get your bearings in life. That could work wonders for both of you... six months to a year of personal growth without pressure from your spouses.

Coming back fresh with a growth spurt under each of your belts could be just what you both need.

Very best wishes,

[Xrayman]

I've been sleeping in a separate room for a couple of weeks now ("You're snoring keeps me awake." "It'll be easier for the new cat to settle in if the other two can sleep separately with me.") And while I see no signs of his understanding the true reason for the separate sleeping arrangements, I hope deep down he is recognizing the signs of unhappiness.

Recognise the signs of your unhappiness?? -i think you are taking the cheats way out-guys will not twig using this sort of psychological rubbish-it does not work-trust me.

-talk to him get to the point-be strong, you are unhappy what he needs to do to fix it and what you will do to help him fix it, if it doesn't work by a certain time, then tell him what you will do.

[Noirness]

Recognise the signs of your unhappiness????-i think you are taking the cheats way out-guys will not twig using this sort of psychological rubbish-it does not work-trust me.

-talk to him get to the point-be strong, you are unhappy what he needs to do to fix it and what you will do to help him fix it, if it doesn't work by a certain time, then tell him what you will do.

Eek, I think you misunderstand me. I'm not sleeping in a separate bed JUST to send a message of unhappiness. I actually really don't want to be in the same bed as him. I'm a psychology major and I have been with this guy for a while, so I know I can't pull this crap in order to facilitate change. I'm just hoping that when I bring this up in a direct conversation he won't pull the "I had no idea you were unhappy" schtick.

But you're absolutely right... last time I talked to him I didn't give him a potential consequence, so why would he be straight (no pun intended) with me? Thanks :)

I thought by posting on this forum I would hear certain truths that would further upset me. I actually feel a lot better hearing all this great advice. :)