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MsJulia · Oct 9, 2008, 09:28 AM

Before you guys read this, I'll give you a couple facts:

My boyfriend was with his ex for 7 years
The broke up over 2 years ago
I have been with my boyriend for a year now
She still calls/emails/texts him on an almost daily basis
In the past, I have tried to tell her I'm not comfortable with it, but she hasn't stopped
I've told my boyfriend I'm not comfortable with them communicating like this, but he told me there is nothing wrong with them being friends, and I have nothing to worry about

So now, I wrote her this email this morning. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Was it too much? I hope I didn't make a mistake. :( Here is the email I wrote her:

Imagine if you had a boyfriend who you loved with all your heart. Who you imagined spending the rest of your life with, marrying, traveling with, buying a house with, raising a family with, and growing old with... Imagine everything was perfect with your boyfriend, except for one little problem: his ex.

Would you like it if you had a boyfriend whose ex would email/text/call him on an almost daily/weekly basis? Would you like it if he shared/discussed private and personal things in his life with his ex? Would you like it if your boyfriends ex would invite him over to her house to drop off checks or visit their old pets they used to have together? Would you be OK with your boyfriend being "buddy buddy" with his ex? Would you like it if your boyfriends ex would talk down upon you, then ask him not to tell her she said that? Would you like it if your boyfriends ex would make you sound immature to him for not being comfortable with all these things?

I honestly think if you had a serious boyfriend who you were in love with, you would definetely not be OK with any of these things. I'm now asking you from a woman to a woman, from the bottum of my heart and soul... please take a moment to close your eyes and put yourself in my shoes. Would you be comfortable if your boyfriend had an ex like this?

I trust my boyfriend. I'm happy with him. I just simply do not feel comfortable with his ex constantly being in the picture. I feel no matter how long you were with your ex, or what kind of a past you had... there are certain boundries that are disrespectful to cross once your ex is in a new relationship.

Alty · Oct 9, 2008, 09:37 AM

Not bad, but from what I've read in your other post, this is what she'll read;

You are still in his life and it's having an effect on our relationship.

Her thought "I'm getting to her"

He's in daily contact with you and it bothers me.

Her thought "He contacts me becaue he still loves me, I'm winning!"

How would you feel in my position?

Her thought "You have my man, I have every right to try and get him back".

We are planning a life together, we love each other, how would you feel if an ex kept coming in the middle of all that?

Her thought "If I have anything to do with it you will be history soon and I will have a life with him, you will be the ex".

In other words, I don't think you can really appeal to this women as you would to other people. I don't think she cares about your relationship with her ex because she wants him back, she's made that painfully clear by her actions.

It's good that you wrote to her, it's good that you got it off your chest, but the person you should be talking to is your boyfriend.

wikedjuggalo · Oct 9, 2008, 09:39 AM

First off have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Have you expressed your feelings of how you do not feel comfortable with this communication?

Personally reading that first line of the letter is going to cause a big issue. In my opinion very bad choice of words. She did love him etc did get married very wrong way to approach that. Let me explain what I mean here. She obviously still has strong feelings for her ex.

And after being with someone that long its very hard to just cut them out 100%. I understand your frustration but I think you need to speak to your boyfriend about these insecurities. They are ex's for a reason.

akez · Oct 9, 2008, 09:39 AM

I think the email sounds mature, and not threatening. I think you gave her the opportunity to think about it, but I would leave it at that. You've spoken up. As you said "women to women" and now you've put it out there for her to show what kind of women she is.
Good Luck!

Alty · Oct 9, 2008, 09:44 AM

Akez, I do agree, but I don't think this will resolve anything. From what the OP has said, on this thread and another, the ex has already shown what kind of women she is.

I don't think that her behaviour will stop, if anything this will be the email that gives her hope. She now knows that what she's doing has an effect on you and your relationship, she's managed to wedge herself in, and I doubt that she'll stop on her own.

It's up to your boyfriend, and the only way that he can be made aware of this is if you tell him. You're communicating with the wrong person.

liz28 · Oct 9, 2008, 09:47 AM

I saw no harm in the letter but your with your boyfriend and he shouldn't allow his ex to come between your two. Have you discuss this with him and expressed your feelings? I am still friends with some of exes but there are boundaries to not make the party I am with uncomfortable. Excessively calling, texting, etc, your boyfriend is uncalled for but it something he have to address with her. Is he answering or contacted her as well?

MsJulia · Oct 9, 2008, 02:10 PM

Thanks for all your advice!

Well, she didn't write me back, but my boyfriend told me she forwarded the email to him! :(

She also told him she's not going to write me back. I asked him what he told her, and he said he told her to just ignore my email. He said the reason he said that is because he doesn't want any drama and the best thing to do is ignore each other.

I don't know what to do anymore at this point. I've tried telling them both that their communications are crossing the boundries (in my opinion). He told me he will tell her it's best they stop talking... but in his heart, he is not the type of person to do that, but he is reluctantly going to do tell her. He says he wants to be cool with her.

What he doesn't understand, no matter how many times I try to explain it... I'm OK with them being cool, but I'm NOT OK with her crossing the boundries, and him allowing it.

:(

liz28 · Oct 9, 2008, 02:22 PM

I guess he doesn't see the effect of their behavior. After reading your other post she seems to be a person that loves drama and sadly she will be the course of many arguments. Why do he feel he needs to be cool with her? Given their history it will always be like this and your point will never reach him. You have to think can you continue on like this. If you stay know that she is going be in the picture regardless of what you say.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2008, 07:11 AM

he said he told her to just ignore my email. He said the reason he said that is because he doesn't want any drama and the best thing to do is ignore each other.

Wake up, and realize she is NOT your problem, your boyfriend is.

Why do you accept this treatment from him at all??