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McKay42 · Oct 1, 2008, 07:46 AM

So I just met this girl less then two weeks ago. The day after we met, we spent the entire day together and I had my arm around her by that night. (We are college aged)

Now my problem is that some days she is affectionate... while others she seems cold and seems to be pushing me away. Its usually when her friends are around that she is cold, but when I suggest we spend some time together alone she usually says there is something else she needs to do.

Now I think its important to note that I seem to be much more into this "relationship" (to use the term loosely) then she is. Any affection is initiate by me, but always reciprocated by her. We both have poor history when it comes to relationships. Part of me thinks she just may be scared to get involved, but the other part says she's pushing me away.

My best judgment says I need to just give her space and let her come to me... but I am having trouble doing that. I want to just go talk to her and explain how pissed off I get when she's cold to me, but I fear that will just end things.

Any advice? Let me know if you need more info.

JBeaucaire · Oct 1, 2008, 07:56 AM

The reason you don't want to follow your intelligent judgment to "give her space and let her come to you" is because you know there is a good chance (in the end) that she WON'T.

That's understandable, but nonetheless it is the right idea. So, you need to just hold your course as your court her. Be the funny, sort of carefree, busy with a lot of things guy that is also clearly but non-aggressively interested in her.

If she's slower or standoffish around others, join her in that behavior, don't persecute. When around others, ramp it down and be respectful. When the others leave, turn back on the charm. Clear, but non-aggressive.

You can do this, but you might not. You have to be OK either way. Pursue her sincerely and maturely, but understand that she may not end up at your altar... and you need to be alright either way. That means some maturity and clear perspective.

OK? Good... and good luck.

McKay42 · Oct 1, 2008, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

The reason you don't want to follow your intelligent judgment to "give her space and let her come to you" is because you know there is a good chance (in the end) that she WON'T.

Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Lol You make several other good points in there too. I have had very little success in my relationships in the past, except for one drawn out messy one. So I really just don't know what to do. I'm 22 and still approaching this like I'm 16... and its not working. I am constantly worried about what's going to happen, which I know is the absolutely wrong approach... but I don't know how to change that! I've been lonely for so long that it's a scary thought to continue life that way.

I really need to watch myself when we are around others, I know she hates it yet I continue it anyway because I'm not thinking. I have this feeling in my mind that if I don't reach for her, she'll get away... but it seems to be my reaching that's pushing her away. Again making the same mistakes I made when I was 16... lol

JBeaucaire · Oct 1, 2008, 08:27 AM

Get involved in some things outside of work and dating that is for the good of others. Giving back to the community, in other words. For grownups, nothing that keeps thing in perspective more than serving others.

Doing this will give her something else to admire in you, too, so it has a selfish benefit, too... hehe. But mainly, it will help ground you in the idea that giving is a better life plan than getting. And most people make choices solely on what they get out of it. Oh well...

This is a hard world-view to follow when you want a real, lasting relationship. Giving is the key. We've gotten this stuff wrong for 1000s of years and I presume it will continue. So you can only fix this for yourself.

Find some thing(s) to do for others, do them gladly, and this will also keep you from being the guy who's chasing her your every waking moment. Can you say "stalker"? :)

"No, I'm not free Saturday, we're painting the new rec room at the Boys and Girls club...hey, want to come help paint? It's going to be really fun, and the kids are great."

Stuff like this is gold, in life, in dating, in life balance, and in making your life mean more than what you're getting. Also, it's good practice for when you become a husband and father and your whole life becomes about giving. Best to learn to enjoy that now.

OK, stepping off podium now.

McKay42 · Oct 1, 2008, 02:02 PM

Thank you for the advise so far, I do appreciate it. I have a better idea how to prevent this same situation in the future, but I want to save this relationship and don't know how to proceed. I am almost certain that if I just play it cool and see what happens, its not going to work out. And maybe that's how its "meant to be," but I really hope that's not the case.

Is it wrong to talk to her and explain what's in my head, perhaps even apologize for being too aggressive and letting her know I plan to relax? Does this just seem desperate?

JBeaucaire · Oct 1, 2008, 03:41 PM

Yes, it will probably come of as weak, not good for a male in general, but since you're determined, you also might as well.

Life is nothing if not measuring the options before you and CHOOSING. Just man up and accept the consequences of the choices, too, OK?

Good luck to you. Keep us informed as to what's going on. Remember all the other stuff I talked about, it's relevant.

McKay42 · Oct 2, 2008, 12:43 PM

So I talked to her about this, and it seems I was rather worried over nothing. It turns out it's a combination of her going through a hard time right now and us both having poor social/relationship skills. Its like a weight off my shoulders knowing that it wasn't just something I was doing wrong. I also apologized for pushing her boundaries around others, and she seemed to appreciate it. Thank you for all your help, I am still going to try to apply what you've said to my life.

kminni01 · Oct 2, 2008, 12:53 PM

Just take things slow because rushing into relationships usually never ends up well later on. But get to know each other more and take things slow and then see where it goes from there. It sounds like she likes you, but she just doesn't know you well enough to feel that way about you, you know? Just give her some time and breathing space and I think it will turn out good in the end. Good luck!

<3 kt

ylaira · Oct 2, 2008, 04:15 PM

The man should be really more vocal than a woman. Women just reacts on what men does, always. Just take it easy. It's barely 2 weeks. If you adon't look like Brad Pitt, don't expect her to be all over you anytime, anywhere.

McKay42 · Oct 21, 2008, 09:52 PM

About 2 weeks ago I messed up a new relationship with this girl by being too into the relationship when we had only known each other 2 weeks. We didn't really talk about it, she just distanced herself from me and I eventually understood what that meant.

Problem is, I still have feelings for her even though we are just friends. I see her twice a week at least because we have 2 college classes together. Occasionally I think she still is interested in me because of the way she looks at me, but that could just be all in my head. I have been playing it cool and letting her come to me. We talk on aim (she IMs me) and before/after class, but we don't really hang out much because we are both busy. She mentioned to me the dance coming up at our university, so I asked her if she wanted to go... but she is going with girlfriends and isn't going to stay the whole time... but "would dance with me." I'm not sure if this is a pity dance, or what... she's not very good at expressing her feelings to me at all.

Where do I go from here? Can I get a second chance? Part of me wishes I could just get over her, but NC would ruin our friendship and I don't want that. I'm rather sure she knows I'm still interested, as I have hinted at it.

P.S. I'm a horrible dancer.

JBeaucaire · Oct 21, 2008, 10:31 PM

There's no mystery here, just go to the dance and take her up on her offer. You can keep politely inviting her to do things with you and perhaps she'll acquiesce at some point.

But even if she doesn't, it's OK, right? Don't make a mountain out of your interest in her, it won't help. Either she'll come back around before you're eyes are turned to another girl, or she won't.

In the meantime, enjoy your friendship. That should be stable.

precious12992 · Oct 24, 2008, 07:42 PM

What I think is that she just needs time off.. to think. She doesn't know what she really wants yet.. its college. New things happen. New sparks. New everything its like high school all over again. Just more parties :)
I would just stick with the friendship and see how things go from there.

EN Ken · Oct 26, 2008, 12:57 AM

I'm curious as to what you mean by "being too into the relationship."

In either case, she seems to have some interest in you still but whether it's as more than a friend is still to be determined. I would personally show up with at the dance with another girl. The point is not to make her feel jealous, but simply so that even this girl doesn't show up at the dance, you can still have a great time because you have a date.

This is a situation where she needs to make the next move of showing interest because anything you do will likely be perceived as needy. It's simply best to move on and see if she decides change her mind.