[Rank34]

Ok, here goes. I have lived with a girlfriend for over three years and dated here for a little over six years. She hasn't made a sexual move on me for over four and half years, so about a year and a half, I started messing around on her with another girl. I fell head over hills for this other girl, but then had another problem; I was in a money problem and unable to move out or afford my own place; yes it was really that bad. My side girl, finally decides that we would just be friends until a later time. This tears me up, so a few weeks later I can't take it any more and tell the side girl that I am going to break up with my girlfriend to be with her, which she says OK. That was on a Monday, and that Saturday we spend the morning together having a great time. I go home, break up with the girlfriend as I said that I would. Get a text from side girl saying she wants to talk, as she proceeds to tell me not to break up with my girlfriend for her, because her feelings were to hurt for us to try at this time. That was over a month ago, and side girl still is saying that she loves me and misses me, but she just can't be with me right now because her feelings are so hurt! I know that she talks to her good friends about this saying she just doesn't know how to get over her feelings being hurt! I never lied to her, and never forced her to do anything. I just don't get it and I am missing her so badly that I don't know what to do. She is very distant from me sometimes, and then other times she is very lovable. Help.

[Fr_Chuck]

Don't see love, see sexual pleasure, see using others for personal gain and so on.
Sounds like a person who is very selfish on their own needs and does not care who they hurt to get what they want.

[liz28]

Well, what goes around comes around. You cheated on your girlfriend with the hopes of being with the side girl and in the end she broke it off but keeps you hanging by the strings and have you dancing to her tune. Most likely her friends are talking her out being with you because I would. Things happens!

[bigbird213]

Personally, Its smart of her to stay away... She is not going to want to get involved with a cheater... would you?

Spend some time by yourself, get well. Resolve your money issues and your fidelity issues before you bring someone else into your life.

[JBeaucaire]

I don't think I've ever read a story that involves infidelity that led to good things. I'm of the belief this is already over and you're just wasting your days.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you know how you got here. Make sure you don't repeat this particular path.

[Rank34]

Guys and girls, I know this just sounds so bad, and it is, but you must believe me when I say that I was faithful to my girlfriend the whole time thinking that we could work around our sexual differences, but after NO sex for almost a year, a man can and will break. I never said that it wasn't a messed up situation, but does anyone believe that any good can come out of it? I never lied to the girl that I didn't have a girlfriend and was honest with her when I said that I wanted to be with her. I know that she has hurt feelings. I love her to death and miss her so bad, and I do know that she feels the same, but does anyone feel that there is a chance or is it just fools gold?

[JBeaucaire]

To this girl you are pining after, you will always be the guy who cheated on his girlfriend with her. You were cheating and you made her a cheater. That will never change.

So, in effect, she knows that while you two saw each other, you were betraying two women. That will never change.

Someday she might forgive the corruption you introduced into her life in the name of attraction, but the facts will always be the same.

I have never read a story that led to rainbows out of betrayal... at least not when the participants weren't already LONG married and committed to overcome even things like this.

BTW, there is no excuse for cheating. After a year and a half of no sex, you break up and start over, you don't CHEAT. If you had acted nobly, and broken up with your girl before starting up with this second girl, your results would most likely be much different. But you didn't, so they weren't.

I'm sorry for your loss. You know how you got to this point, so make sure you do not repeat this. A noble life leads to noble results.

[talaniman]

For all your begging and pleading, and whining you still cheated, and thought to use someone for your pleasure. Its poetic justice you end up with nothing.

Find yourself a cheap ho, and keep a couple of bucks and leave the relationships alone.

As to your first relationship, how come you made no solid move like marriage, or living together?? After 4 years??

[talaniman]

Never mind that last question I read your other post, and its clear you should have just left, and thenyou wouldn't be a cheater. You have made some not so wise decisions, and are paying for them.

Start over, and do it right next time.
If you have learned by this experience.

[Chery]

This is part and partial in answer to your first post about this girlfriend who lost sensual interest in you..

First... did she want children and you not, and made it quite clear? How did you communicate outside of the bedroom? Sometimes, it's not what you say, but how you say it.

There must have been something very wrong happening during the time that the amorous feeling she had for you changed so drastically. And she still has not received the right 'salve' for the wound you knowingly created or not.

We women don't have our sexual organ on the outside, and cannot get 'it up' just because it's time to do so - on a schedule.. It's a feeling in our brain and takes a long time to trigger.

If the date is on Friday, and all day that day was crappy, stressful, and you did not have an ear for her rants or just sit with her to sooth her a bit without wanting to go further, her sensual feeling flew out the window.

Once we women loose that 'feeling' for a man, there usually is nothing that he can do or say that will likely bring it back, unfortunately. You were not able to sense her emotional state, and at that time thought only of yourself.


NOW, for this current issue.

No matter how honest a guy is, it still hurts to find out that after you meet a guy, start to like him, and then find out all the while that you were the girl on the side - well heck yeah it hurts. How the heck would you feel? She might say she loves you and misses you, but the thought of being second-best (and especially if she knows about the problems you had with girl #1) she (and you too,for that matter) will be better off finding someone else in her life who will respect her a lot more than you did. I don't judge, but when you cheat and are mainly sex-oriented you should not wonder why you get rejected. If the girl knows your intentions and is willing to go along with that - you usually wind up paying for it.

As JBeaucaire said, there is no excuse, and nothing will come out of this relationship either. ''I love her to death and miss her'' NOT.. You love yourself and miss your pleasures - there is a big difference.

No matter that reason the first girl no longer felt anything for you - you should try and remember enough to not make the same mistakes again with any other woman. As for girl two - respect her enough to let her go on with her life because it's going to take YOU a long time to get to know yourself, with or without therapy, before you are ready to 'share' yourself with another partner without just thinking of self-satisfaction. A real partnership is made up of more than just physical love, you've got to reach a girl where she has her 'center' and that's a lot of work. I know all those years seem like YOU wasted them, and in a way, you did - by not learning and being more sensitive during all that time.

As I've said before, take time to look in the mirror and also imagine you were in their shoes for 5 minutes - it might be an eye-opener.

Good luck next time dear. If you need some hints, come back and we'll try to help you reach your goals (once you know what they really are).

I usually don't suggest any books, but this one would do you some good..
''Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'' Try it, it can't hurt and might give you some insight you missed while 'growing up'.



Back to school. Thank goodness we are never too old to learn or change ourselves. All we have to do is WANT to.