[Romefalls19]

Okay, the life of an IT person is very dull, so when the network and the planets align correctly, it is incredibly dull. Which lead to a nice little debate with a fellow co-worker about a certain topic.

Is it normal to be worried that your partner will find someone else? I'm not saying that they go out of their way to find someone but happens by chance. Let me set up the example for you.

Your partner starts work at a new job, they go into that job completely in-love with you and only wants to be with you. Naturally they are the new person so people want to talk to them. They aren't that sociable of a person but doesn't want to be rude either. It starts innocent enough, simple greetings but then gradually grows into more and then moves up into taking breaks together etc. Phone numbers get exchanged and then texting/calling start which leads to hanging out after work and such. Friendly feelings start to grow into more.

1. The partner has never given you the slightest reason not to trust them and doesn't have a history of cheating.
2. This is how you met your partner, through work but she was not attached to anyone at this point either.

Yes, I know this sounds really thought out but we had a lot of time to think about it.


Question is, is this normal thinking or completely irrational?

[cowboyjai]

Normal thinking IMO, and something that probably happens a lot ("a lot" is pretty relative though).

That's why you have to be SO kick the girl doesn't even want to wander - but that goes without saying. I don't know, I don't really have a thesis to chuck in here, but I would definitely say it's normal thinking.

[Dragonfly1234]

This debate essentially is about cheating, insecurities and a relationship not doing too well.

A - In general if the relationship at home is fulfilling and all needs are met, it won't get to that because the person starting the new job won't be emotionally available to the co-worker and so the working relationship will never develop into anything more than friendship.

B - If the relationship at home is lacking in some areas and the person starting the new job doesn't feel completely happy with his/her partner, they can develop feelings and an attachement towards someone else regardless of where they are, what new thing is happening in their life. They can hit up a conversation with the clerk at the grocery store or they can develop a flirtatious relationship with the significant other's best friend, has nothing to do with a new job and everything to do with what's going on at home in my opinion.

So in other words, if someone feels it's justified to worry about their significant other's actions at work, then they would feel justified worrying about their significant other's actions as soon as they're out the door...

[talaniman]

I think it starts with a healthy person, choosing the right partner, and communicating together, (I know I say that all the time, geez) as I honestly have never had trust issues, because I don't deal with any one I don't trust.

When there is a problem in my house, we both have no problem expressing ourselves, and working on it. So we never worry about the competition, because we both know the boundaries of our own relationship.

If they can't know us both, then they can't know one.

You have to have more than just the appearance of a relationship! It has to go a lot deeper than looking good, and having fun.

[Romefalls19]

The reason I bring it up is because a friend recently asked me how I could trust my fiancé at her new job.

Here's why he asked me, my ex left me for another guy at work(shot to the gut), then I met my fiancé at work. He was just tossing around that he would be worried

[talaniman]

As we both know an insecure partner needs no justification whatsoever, to worry about anything.

[Romefalls19]

Yep, my mentality, if she wants to leave the door is always open but my door isn't a revolving door. One thing I learned through therapy, if someone wants to stray, they are going to regardless of what you do.

[asking]

Yep, my mentality, if she wants to leave the door is always open but my door isn't a revolving door. One thing I learned through therapy, if someone wants to stray, they are going to regardless of what you do.

I don't agree. The actions of the partner can make straying more or less likely. I'm not saying it's all the partner's fault at all, but if someone is treating their girlfriend or boyfriend badly or not making any effort to make them feel loved or needed, that's going to increase the likelihood that they'll make friends with someone who makes them feel better, which can lead to straying. Likewise, if the relationship is solid and both people feel happy with one another and make a point of expressing that regularly, I would say straying is unlikely, new job or no, new grocery store or no. :)

[Romefalls19]

I'm not saying what can cause straying, I'm saying that nothing you can do can prevent it.

If a boyfriend or girlfriend is treating you unkind, then take the appropriate steps. Finding comfort in someone else's arms is demeaning and puts at a lower level than the person who mistreated you.

Sure actions can dictate how likely it is for someone to stray but that's taking the easy way out. Communication first, then walk if it doesn't get better.

[Curlyben]

Okay, the life of an IT person is very dull, so when the network and the planets align correctly, it is incredibly dull.

IT dull, Burn the HERETIC!!

[Jiser]

Depends if you have to change a password for the 20th time or explain to the same person for the 20th time how to do something!

Anyway back to the topic, if your partner is to stray, she/he wasn't worth it in the first place really, cannot be trusted and your better off without them. Although painful, better in the long run!

[Romefalls19]

Ha ha! I have actually had to change the mail clerk's password 15 times because they forget it, the darn password was "Password1" Seriously, how do you mess that up.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

[JBeaucaire]

I recently said this in another post, worth repeating here.

To make your relationship as cheat-proof as possible, it's necessary that you treat your relationship as if YOU'RE job is to be "the one", not hers. Once you take on the 'GIVE' mentality and ramp up the 'cherish-mode', you've done all you can.

Now, if you're BOTH doing that... oh my.

[Romefalls19]

I got to spread the rep but JB you have it perfect! The quicker you learn the give, the quicker you see the relationship blossom. The easiest thing to do in a relationship is to ask "what can you do for me" the best thing to do is "what can I do for you"

[pbc12]

Hold on there... Not too fast on that one bud. Understand that it is a 2 way street. Put someone up on a pedestal and you are no longer interesting and a challenge. Must remain interesting and giving but must be mutual. Do all the giving and where do you wind up?

I also heard it somewhere, can't remember. But I think it was Dr. Phil... Yeah funny huh but he said cheating doesn't start with a kiss. It starts with lunch... Now that I can attest to.

However trust in yourself and afford the same to your partner, but if you feel that there is lack of communication, best you open up the forum at home before you open up elsewhere.

[Romefalls19]

Whoa... I wasn't bringing this debate on here for attacking relationships. If you read through my posts, I say that communication is the biggest thing a relationship needs to survive next is trust.

I do understand that it is a 2 way street, but you can't get caught up in thinking "is this person going to meet me halfway on making an effort" because if you're stuck asking yourself that question, you're with the wrong person. If you're with the right person, you already know that your love, respect, honesty and trust will be reciprocated from your partner.

[asking]

Hold on there...Not too fast on that one bud. Understand that it is a 2 way street. Put someone up on a pedestal and you are no longer interesting and a challenge. Must remain interesting and giving but must be mutual. Do all the giving and where do you wind up?

I think cherishing someone is not the same as putting them on a pedestal.Healthy people love to feel loved. You can't ruin a relationship by being too loving. Me, I don't want challenges or "interest" that come from the other person pulling away just to make me chase them. I think interest comes from what you talk about and do together, not playing games where you withhold affection or respect. Mystery I can live without. :)

[CharleyE]

Romefalls19, I think that this is normal thinking as I have gone through this and its horrible. SO of 5 years, (I'm 23 she's 22) no history of cheating, starts a new job where there is a lot of downtime and starts casually talking to a co-worker. I didn't think anything of it at first until there were text's involved and then the end of our relationship that was otherwise great! I think that my SO was unhappy with herself, because that is what she told me, and he was just a "friend" and after the breakup they were and still are as far as I know, hanging out together. It really makes me sick to watch someone you thought you knew so well, change and move on and look so happy.. I read your post and thought that it was "spot on" what I went through so I had to comment.

[Romefalls19]

Ha ha... Far too many times I have read on forums about how co-workers are simply just friends, but hey who knows these days right?

[Ash123]

Hey RF,

Congrats on your engagement. If she is the one I wouldn't give it a second thought.

If she is still in the proving grounds, you can ponder below:

I have seen in all sorts of co-worker over the line situations and here's some thoughts:

1. Women can have guy friends at work. But not so much after work.
2. Women should not usually make plans with men for anything but group activities. There ARE work related exceptions, but usually girlfriends or spouse/boyfriend are for the rest.
3. The fact that you do not want YOUR personal history to repeat (meet at work) is a normal reaction. But hey, you had to meet somewhere. So, if she didn't cheat to start I see nothing there to sweat.
4. IT people are like any people... work some. Play some. Kill time some. There will be co-workers and such but as long as she is crazy about you, they are just wallpaper.

Did I miss something else? Any doubts?