[NCDad]

For details concerning my background, please read my previous questions. For the last two years I have lived approximately 200 yards away from my three children. As I have explained in my previous questions, they have shut me completely out of their lives. I do not see them, they refuse to answer the phone when I call. To them it's as if I no longer exist. As you can imagine, this is very painful for me. I had hoped to live here for three more years until my son graduates from high school. However, it is just so painful to live this close to them and not be allowed to participate in their lives. I have been unwillingly stripped of my fatherhood. Everything I love has been taken from me. I feel like I have been literally amputated from my children's lives. As long as I live here it will be impossible for me to move on with my life. I have tried, but I keep getting pulled back into the delusion that it is going to work out and my kids are soon going to realize what they have done and invite me back into their lives. But that never happens. I would like to know your opinion and thoughts. Do I stay here for three more years and languish in this dilemma? Or do I move away and move on and forget about them?

[frangipanis]

I feel for you. Sadly, a lot of men give up and move away from their children for similar reasons.

Apart from your children, what are your other relationships like in the area you're living?

[NCDad]

Limited to none. I have no other family here and have no one here that I really associate with.

[frangipanis]

Again, I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce can leave us feeling aliented for a long time while we rebuild our lives and new relationships.

Where do you imagine yourself living and what difference would it make to your life?

[NCDad]

I really don't know. It is hard to imagine walking away from your children and leaving them behind as only a memory. How do you start over at this stage in life, I am 45 years old.

[frangipanis]

I'm a few years older and went through my separation and subsequent divorce since early 2006 (much earlier if you consider the time staying in a marriage that had already ended - we often stay too long). Since the divorce settlement earlier this year, I've felt a lot more competent.

I read part of your story and I see you've been through a lot of trauma. You're obviously intelligent and can work through solving problems reasonably well... family law has left me totally dumbfounded at times too, so you're not alone in that. It's all very confusing, eh...

Sorry to have to ask the obvious, but apart from writing for suggestions and feedback here, have you spoken with a counsellor about this?

[NCDad]

I have spoken with a few counselors, but none since we went through family counseling as part of the custody case. I have not had any good experience with counselors. I have gotten much more out of talking with people like you who have been through similar circumstances.

[frangipanis]

Fair enough. You prefer to be treated like a friend rather than a client.

So are you working? Do you have any special hobbies or interests? What sort of life do you want for yourself? Who are the sort of people you want in your life?

[NCDad]

Yes I suppose, I have just found I get advice I can use from friends, all I have gotten from counselors is a listening ear. They have never given me any good usable advice. I just don't see paying that kind of money for someone to just sit there and listen.

Yes I have a good stable job and I have very good friends that I work with. They have been my biggest support through all this. You pose some good questions and my friends have asked me the same things. I suppose on the flip side I really have the opportunity again to be anything I want to be without anyone holding me back. This would be very attractive to many people. I really have a lot of freedom if you really think about it. I just need to figure these things out. Right now I really can't answer these questions. What about you, how are you working through this?

[frangipanis]

Okay... so you're in a stable job and you're reasonably confident in your ability to figure things out for yourself... except that you've needed a few people around for support and a certain amount of guidance/advice.

What's causing you the most heartache is feeling alienated from your children... which must be extremely painful... that, and the feeling of powerlessness to change things.


... I know you don't think your children have benefitted from having you live nearby, but are you sure that's the case? My guess is that you continue to play a part in your children's lives only that it is on a very subtle psychological level... and that it gives them a degree of emotional security that you might not be aware of.

I'm also wondering if the trauma of what happened to your daughter hasn't left all of you feeling like you're living in your own little bubble of isolation? It makes me think they might still need you.

Otherwise, I'm also wondering why you're not dating yet. Do you think it would make a difference if you started to date women?

[frangipanis]

Sorry, you asked how I was. I'm actually doing well and I guess I've been really lucky that I work in a great place and have met a lot of wonderful people since all my drama started. Even though there's always some kind of stress to be dealt with, (I could give you a list if you like :)) my kids and I are fine. I actually wish they had more contact with their father.

[talaniman]

No matter what life throws at us, we just have to survive. You have the same choices we all have, we can just sit, and let life go by, or we can get up regroup, and rebuild.

I strongly suggest you start getting a life that you enjoy, just in case one day your kids change their mind.

I have seen stranger things happen.

[NCDad]

The alienation is excruciating. The only solice I have is that as you say is the possibility that it might offer them psychological support that I am still around. I feel if I move away, all of the negative things they have been told will be validated in their mind. Now they still have to question those things because I am still here. I would prefer to stay, but as I have said, I am finding it difficult to impossible to move on with my life.

As for dating, I was dating a woman for about a yeaar but it didn't work out and when I broke up with her she did some very damaging things to me. She sent a letter to my children which contained some very personal e-mails I had sent her. She also said things to reinforce the alienation. After this experience, I just don't feel like getting involved with anyone else.

I am looking at possibly getting a part time job or getting involved with some type of singles group in order to stay more occupied and divert my attention from the situation.

[NCDad]

talaniman I agree with you, but the question remains, should I stay or should I go?

[Choux]

NC, You know the reason why they don't want to have anything to do with you.

What is that reason?

[NCDad]

I know what I suspect, but they have not given me a definative reason.

[talaniman]

You do whatever it takes to put YOUR life together, and don't beat yourself. In light of the fact you have accomplished nothing so far, what do you think are your best options for success?

[NCDad]

Thanks Talaniman, good advice.

[talaniman]

That was a question, I thought?

[ylaira]

Based on my experience where my parents tells different things about other.

Children believe what they personally experience, regardless of what the world says. There will always be a part of them that is missing. If you never showed any signs of abuse, they will miss you.

Your children are all grown up. Time will come they will look after you. As of the moment, your ex has the control over them so they can't do anything for now. They may be threatened or what.

Visit them secretly ( idont know if this is legal), talk to their friends, the teacher and hand a note in their school. Just be traceable when you decide to leave.