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My boyfriend suffers with depression - I feel at a loss right now.
Good morning people.
I have so many questions running through my head about the situation that I am in, that I am really not sure where to begin. Can I start by asking if there are other people who are partners of people who suffer with clinical depression and/or ADD? Again - I have so many questions, and am not sure where to start - but maybe if someone is in a similar situation, we can compare notes, and maybe relate a bit. My boyfriend suffers from depression and there are so many issues that come with this, that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I have been in contact with a counselling organization who provide therapy and counselling to people who are with people who suffer depression, but I might not even get a call for another few months for an appointment. We deal with motivation issues, work issues, money issues, issues with friends and with other people as well. There are things that he does that I wonder are... I don't know - more normal for people who suffer? Its hard to know how to put it as well - but so many problems are happening and I just want to be able to try and get a handle on it. For the record, I am in love with the man, and I am committed to joining him in making our lives better - but there are some things he cannot help me with... or even understand, because he is going through so much of his own stuff right now. If I can be more specific with things, please let me know... hopefully this is a starting block. Take care ! Erika |
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I've suffered clinical depression for years. Yeah, its hard for those around you to understand and get into our heads. Sometimes all you can feel is that ache inside and incomprehensable emptiness. Its hard to do anything when you feel that way.
First, be there for him, let him talk, encourage him to talk. If you are still waiting for the counselors to call, see a doctor first. He needs to get checked up and even start on meds. Talk with the doc about medication that will help him become more stabilized and sort out any imbalances. Meds really do help. Also, if you do need help with any of the issues and he really can't help, try and find someone. Do you have any family? You really should have someone to help while he gets treatment . Hey, if you have any more questions, I'll be glad to answer. :) Hope everything gets better for you two! |
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Hi Erika, so sorry to hear your boyfriend is suffering depression.
Do you mind if I ask if your boyfriend has actually been diagnosed by a professional and whether he's receiving any form of treatment? Also, you probably already know how necessary it is for you (as well as your boyfriend) that you continue looking after yourself... maintaining your physical health, financial wellbeing and self-esteem are especially important, so I hope you're doing okay. Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies. ~Swedish Proverb |
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GOod morning - I wish I could have come on earlier, but I only have internet in the morning right now.
I will go into a bit more detail right now. My boyfriend and his doctor figure he has been depressed all of his life, his parents and his friends all agree with this. He however, wasn't diagnoised until just a couple of years ago after some major crises. He was suicidal and he went to a crisis centre, and that is how it all began. This was the year before we started being together. He has been given a confirmed formal diagnois of Depression, as well as ADD. He was initially put on a couple of different medications, and they really didn't help a whole lot - other than to maybe help him focus a bit more so he could work. In the last few months, things went kind of bad again, because he started with his "moods" (which I will explain below in a moment) - so I asked him if he would consider seeing the doctor that my daughter and I are signed up with because she has got to be the easiest person to talk to, and a doctor that pretty much jumps up and wants to investigate and get to the bottom of things... she has great resources, and I think she is just that much more personable than the guy he was seeing before. His doctor before referred him back to a psychiatrist when he asked for a change in his medication - his doctor didn't really counsel him at all and pretty much acted as a prescirption writer, which to me - (having known my boyfriend for a shorter period then) seemed really inappropriate for someone whose issues were so deep and all encompassing and needing talking about and discussing and treating! So, he went and saw my doctor, and he was referred to the health region mental health program and he has been accepted into their cognitive behavior therapy program, which has yet to start. Back to the "moods" I was referring to. Now... these are what cause the most profound problems between us. The reason I feel at such a loss is because when he is feeling low, or when he is feeling irritable, or when he is feeling anything that I can't wrap my head around at the time (because they seem to come from nowhere, really) - is because I feel like I just cannot keep up. To disclose something even more personal, we are currently having issues with money. The issues aren't really the end of the world, but he really REALLY gets into these funks whenever its brought up - and I want to be able to help him without reacting with quite the severity that I sometimes do. (sometimes he gets low, then irritable, then angry - and he lashes out at me verbally, and he says things that he claims he didn't even realise he said, like... a half an hour after he says it) - and that half hour later, he is like... back to his normal self again - but then sliding into more of a depression because the things that he said made me feel bad and made me cry or made me angry. I try SO hard not to react negatively because I know a half an hour later, he will be back, and then I feel terrible, when he has to spend that time feeling like a piece of crap for hurting my feelings. SInce he started on a different medication, and the doses have been adjusted, I do see the improvements... he smiles more, he laughs more, he is open to more, he seems more confident with his job. I am SO thankful for this - but again... I am the ONLY person I know right now who is with a partner who goes through these highs and these lows, and sometimes I feel scared for him and I worry that he is just going to start feeling so sad that he will never come back... or I feel when he gets into these moods where he is so angry that I have done something profoundly wrong. My better senses tell me that he is not attacking me personally - and he explains this... but I guess until we start seeing someone together... I need as much advice as I can get. Do I ignore it when he is angry and upset instead of trying to find out what triggered it? Do I leave the house during this time? And then when he is so depressed and/or not bothered with anything... do I step back and let that happen instead of trying to help him through it and cheer him up? The loss I feel encompasses this too - because I feel like whatever I do, I fail. In the end it works itself out, but what I want is to avoid the hours of feeling like a failure and the hours that he has to go through the bad emotions. I want him to feel good and I feel desperately sad sometimes that he doesn't... I have always been incredibly emathetic... but here... my senses and my insticts don't really go as far as I would like. On top of all of that as well, I feel selfish for wanting it to be better.. After I got my first responsie by the way, I made another appointment with my GP to go and explain some more of these things to her in more depth that I have. There are 1000 000 000 more things going on that I want to write down... more details and more explanations... and I will go into more detail if I need to... I just hope what I have written above illustrates both, the way I feel and how desperate I feel sometimes... just for someone to simply relate to me (more than what my GP can offer, really) - and to tell me if I am doing things horribly wrong. Thank you. |
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Hi there, you actually seem to have a lot of awareness and it's very positive for both of you that he has been open to receiving help and is on medication. It's good to hear the new round of medication has improved his mood... experiencing those moments must be a great relief for him. In this regard, you are both way ahead of what I experienced with my ex who found it too difficult to ask for help. You have so much more going for you, which I'm really glad to hear.
Although much of what he is feeling he can't fully control which is the nature of his illness, and criticising him will possibly make it worse (we experience a negative chemical reaction when confronted with criticism), it's important you don't start to fall into the trap of feeling like a victim to his moods, especially if he becomes irrationally angry and irresponsible with money. While it's a difficult balance to try to maintain, you'll no doubt learn strategies from joint counselling sessions in the near future that fit your relationship. I saw you were online so wanted to write this much at least to let you know there is someone around at the moment. I'm sure there are many others who can offer you other kinds of support you're wanting and needing right now. From what I can gather, you're doing fine for where you both are at the moment. There are success stories you might benefit from knowing about. |
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I am so thankful for your response. I am glad that you see good things here too, because some days it is hard work.
Not falling victim to his moods - that is perhaps the wisest thing I've heard in all of this, and I really REALLY was affected by it to the point that Ive been thinking about it for the entire day. Sometimes I feel like they control how the course of our days go, depending on how strong my resolve is to either ignore certain poor behaviors (I try my best not to be critical or put him down, or anything like that (it is in my nature not to do these things either - I am very much a treat someone the way you would like to be treated person) - and I understand just how devastating picking at someone for whatever reasons (appropriate or not) is... Back to the mood thing... Im going to research a bit more online to read more about strategies I can use for I don't know - maybe both coping with the negative moments as well as finding out if there is a way to steer the mood in a certain different direction. I hate to think that I ever overstep his boundaries with this, because he is very sensitive, and it does take A lot to get him to open up about things. Because of the late diagnosis in his life, I suspect he has a lot of anger and resentment about a lot of things that maybe he could have avoided in his life, had someone noticed some of the signs earlier... or even had the ability and resources to do so... and follow through if they did see something. As much as it might appear my head is screwed on straight - gosh, some days I really really get emotional and tired and exhausted.. (but you know what? I have never seriously asked myself what this is all in aid of - because I've chosen to commit to this as a part of him... not as some issue we have to deal with.) A lot of sadness I think comes with wishing the man who I care so much about has to experience despair that I really don't understand or know... |
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GothGirl... No, I don't have any family here where I live other than my kids... (they are very young). I have a few close friends that I do confide in... but an issue that has arisen that I am not comfortable with is trying to explain why I "put up with so much" - and I can't really relate so much with that.
His parents do try to be as understanding as they can be, and have been a good source of support... in the day to day things... calling me to ask me if Im OK.. they know how it is (Im sure when he was younger and going through some of the hell he has gone through, they have been through soooo much) - but aren't too talkative.. I do appreciate them though. |
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You obviously love your boyfriend a lot and you're resourceful. I really hope you don't mind me saying this... I just wanted to add that it's okay to work towards creating circumstances so that you are freer to make choices. It's possible to do that in a way that isn't threatening to anyone as you would be exercising a parental need to be mindful that you and your children are always in a secure position while reassuring yourself that you continue to be with your boyfriend because you want to be. This is more for peace of mind and actually applies to anyone... so I'm really not wanting to suggest you should let yourself be too concerned with this at the moment. I can understand the sadness you would feel at times... it must be really tough at times. Try not to get too sad too often and remember to treat yourself to the what you love in bigger amounts, including the man you love and your kids. |
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 Originally Posted by jambourrie
Hi you Erika, May I start by saying hats off to you. Not many people would stick around with that kind of situation, believe me I know. I was the depressed guy, and I suffered with Bi-polar, and at that time (about 2years ago) they didn't know what it was. What can you do? Not much, some times he'll have to deal himself, you can hug him, kiss him tell him you love him and are there for him, but not much else. He does have to learn to over come his problem on his own, because if he can't get through it, no one can. You see it pertains to him, and only he knows the true extent to which it affects him. One thing for sure, counseling helps. Your Man is fortunate to have some one so willing to go to the counseling with him, and learn about it, to learn with him. That is a big help I imagine. Just don't give your life trying to fix his, no matter how much you love him, you don't know how long he'll be around, harsh I know, but if he doesn't want to get better, then you will have to accept that. Some times the best way to help some one, is to leave them. Doesn't have to be for ever, but just till they get it in their head, just like I had to, that no one will do this for them, they have to get through it. I will suggest you read a book called, "the brain that changes itself" A revolutionary book, mind you I have yet to test the rest of its theories, but so far they are accurate, and helpful when dealing with depression, and issues of the mind. Mostly it's about how you can change things using Psychological processes, and learning/ unlearning behavious. It helped me and continues to give me hope for my future, no matter how hard it is to see. "some things you see with your eyes, and somethings you see with your heart." -Land Before Time 1ST(the good one!) If you think about the heart as your spirit, and your spirit being your mind, then its all about your imagination, which is (as the book says) only about 10% less effective than realities' affects on our being. (being, pertaining to Body, mind, and spirit.) Any way the book is more of a scientific baised perspective on how to help yourself change, and not some, "I have the power I can do it." Though it does have an explanation for that kind of thing, indirectly, I'm referring to the imagination thing again. Any way, It has a lot of really good details about how the mind and it's chemistry work. SO give it a read. Also, try to keep in mind that our minds are not only affected by the thoughts we have, or our feelings, but also the food we eat, the exersise we get (or lack there of), the things we learn/ unlearn. What I mean by learn/ unlearn is, we learn "bad" habbits, and inorder to get rid of them you must, unlearn them. That book explains a bit of that. Then we can use the extra room in our memories for the new learning matierial. Exersis is very important, even if you don't want to go, I strongly sugest going. THe benafits are too numerous to ignore, especailly if your like me and join a Teakwon-do/ Mixed martial arts Dojang. Benafits are as follows: 1) Increased memory 2) Increased confidence 3) increased motor skills 4) increased endorphines - usually released when you are doing something pleasing. 5) increased motivation- due to endorphines. 6) Better chance of sleeping at night. 7) increased focus - The amount of focus it takes helps build your attention span 8) increased self disapline 9) increased socail solidarity (this is just socail connections, people with a strong, but not too stronge social connection are less likely to harm themselves, I mean commit suicide.) 10) increased learning - if you're learning, you're not bord, if you're not bord, you're not thinking of random unimortant things all the time. With ADD he may have to practice and gradually accuire this, or all these. Same as with me. 11) increased comfort with new situations 12) Decrease in stress 13) Decrease in anxiety The list goes on and on but I'm sure you get the idea, it's a very benaficail thing to do. School, is an equal/ possibly greater good. Trains you in all kinds of things, and helps build those skills necissary for later days in life, like while on the job, etc. Any who, don't take what I said as a suggestion to leave him, just don't drownd in his sorrow that's all, let him take control of his life. As you are there, suggest things, and try to be understanding, read up on it, LOTS AND LOTS. Teh more you understand the easier it is to handle things, and help. SO, I suggest you look at that book, and maybe even try to find other books that are more geared toward ADD. At that, good day, and good luck. peace be with you. P.S. I do have tones more to say, but I'm so very tired and have Psychology classes tomorrow morn, so do take care and keep us up dated if you find any thing out. |
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Nestorian -
Hey there, thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate the book suggestion and it is on my list for my next shop - I love learning and getting to understand more and more about this. I am committed to my boyfriend and as such, am committed to his problems/issues. However, as you mentioned - I do need to recognise that they are his problems to deal with, and I do. It takes a lot, but I do acknowledge this, and give him the space to try and sort through things himself. On saying that, a lot of things that he has done himself, are a result are some prompting from me, and handing him of resources (as much as he might want to help himself, reading with ease is not something he can do (severely dyslexic too) - and I guess a part of me feels responsible for getting the information to him. I know I am not responsible for everything like... making him read or anything... but he does appreciate the work I oput into providing him with materials to look through... or just by reading him some information I found. I have been taking steps back though. Steps back so that I can observe more from him, give him more space, give him more time to tackle the resources and decide what he wants to do, and how to proceed. It takes a lot of work - but it is good for me to hear this from you, someone who has been suffering and knows what kinds of things will better enable my boyfriend to learn some things on his own. I like the idea of the book that you suggested, and when you discussed the fact that you have to go through the processes of learning and unlearning behaviors and habits really REALLY got me intrigued. From what I understand and have read, a lot of the cognitive behaviour therapy is about this - this "re-training the brain" if you will... and I am excited about this getting started. I am excited about learning these things from books at home too, and just reading different people's insights and experiences and suggesttions and case histories and ideas. In terms of myself... I don't know. Is counselling something I should maybe seek for myself while I am going through this too? Some days I feel like I am well on top of it all - making sure the kids are taken care of, making sure I am taken care of, making sure we get out for our walks every day and to the park, and making sure that I spend time with my friends and family outside of the home. I read a lot, and I talk a lot, and I vent a lot, and I cry a lot and I express a lot. Sometimes though, some feelings really do come up to the surface, and at those times, (like when I wrote the first question in this thread) I feel really really lost and hopeless because I felt like for all the work I do keeping it all together, when there is an episode - it causes such an unravel that I feel sad/bitter/angry/frustrated/lost... and like we are back at square one. I wonder if I need to go and talk to someone more about this aspect of things... the parts that I feel like I deal with only when I am all by myself. Part of me thinks I should go and speak with my doctor or a counsellor more about some more of the feelings I have been having... especially the more negative ones that happen sometimes when things really have been better for a long period... but then sometimes I feel angry about that thought, and feel like... despite them being counsellers and having been trained, they maybe can't relate to me. That is what brought me here I think... the strong desire to be heard by people who go through the hell of it all every single day... the people who have struggled to better themselves and their lives, and the people who can give me the information I need because it worked for them!! I feel more positive about this than I do about counselling... I feel a great deal of relief confiding in friends sometimes... but the hard part is, is that I can only go so far before people start turning the whole thing around and asking me all the end-it-all questions (why bother... why not leave for yourslef... why not give up... why go through all this) - but again... I have my reasons. For one thing, he has never ever hurt me in any unforgivable way - and another thing is, again, Im in love with the guy and only want to see the very best for him (and for me too!) Like you, I have so much more I could say, but it is hard to type it all here without appearing like I am waffling, and sometimes I fear I don't make the best of sense... but Ilike the thought that I can just kind of pour my soul out here, and someone is reading it and someone is relating to it and someone cares enough to say that to me. Just that has been another good stepping stone for me. It is good therapy and the more I type, the more sense I see, and the more I type, the more I understand a lot of the jumbled up thoughts going through my head. |
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Are either of you or both involved in drugs and/or alcohol? There is no reason for you to choose a life of problems and dissappointment at such a young age. Move on and get counselling to find out why you are attracted to a broken man and future misery . Good Luck to you in the future, |
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No Choux, neither of us are involved in drugs or alcohol, in fact, we are both teetotal, and have based this decision on his diagnosis, when it occurred. (we were both social drinkers, non-drug-users). We made the choice to pursue help and have done everything we can to be successful. Im not sure how he could be referred to as a broken man. The way I see him, I see him as a man in his 30's who was unfortunate to have had to suffer depression (and everything that ensues) for the majority of his life without diagnosis or help who has suddenly been told something, actually quite devastating about himself and his health. I see a man who wants to make the best for himself and his families, but has lived for so long without the tools, that he really hasn't had much by way of ideas as to where to start. The "professionals" who were involved in his care at the very beginning were hit and miss, and when that happens, I believe that someone who is already feeling in the pits, is going to have a hard time seeing how it is going to ever work out for them. He has expressed as much, but he does admit to believing me when I say that someone somewhere - if we look for it, and are active in this, is going to be able to point us in the right direction, and yes, things will be OK. Our home life is not bad. Our children are safe and sound and are loved and appreciated by both of their parents, and who have a mother and father who are in love with one another and are committed to one another. Despite having problems, and my angst and frustration with the fact that I wish I could help more - things are actually pretty decent between us. He respects me and loves me and shows me these things in various ways. He has never shown me misery to any great extent (maybe worry, yes! ), he has never abused me, he has never been mean to me (he has said things in his throes of irritability, but to be quite frank, there is a lot that has been said that I myself should be held accountable for, because I have been provoked to anger by different situations and have said things out of turn - as has he... as has just about every single person I know. I don't feel like I have committed myself to a life of misery... I feel like the hard times are something that I have dealt with quite OK, and am dealing with them now by sharing and talking and expressing myself, and because of this - I am going to be able to bring more to our relationship, and more to the table regarding his depression. He is committed to helping himself... he is committed to me and our children, and to be frank, I couldn't ask for more. Financial issues, and some slumps and some downs (even if some seasons, like in the winter, as you would know, knowing so much about depression, the downs are much more than the ups) - are nothing in the grand scheme of our lives. Im not here for people to take pity on me, or to complain about a situation that I could fix by walking out. I want to get counselling to find out why I have a hard time stepping back, and to find out things I can do to get through those hard times. I have been in relationships with people who aren't depressed who pretty much, by being in my life, promised me a lifetime of misery if I didn't leave, and I recognised that, and left. This is so incredibly different. And unless I am asked directly "so, are you actually happy???" - then I don't think that presuming my life is miserable, or going to be miserable is really productive. All I am going to do is say "no, actually I know how to be happy.... and I know how to step back and take time for myself, and I know that I am a person who needs to make sure their needs are met first - before anyone else (mine and my children) - so I feel as though I am in this with the best of intentions, and not because I am somehow attracted to "broken" individuals. If I was, then I would have a very different history, I think. Those are the reasons I am not going to throw in the towel and cause worse upheaval in all of our lives - because there is no good reason for it. I don't see him as a broken man, who is only going to provide misery for our lives either. |
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Again everybody, thank you for your feedback.
I will say again, as I did a couple of posts ago... using this as a place to mend my thought processes, get some feedback and some recommendations is awesome... I love it. I appreciate the time people are taking to post, and to read... I feel like through this thread, I have come to a few more realisations. |
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Hi Erika, Thank you for your kind response to my post. I have responded to you there, and also under your post here. I am so sorry that you are going through this. However, your boyfriend is so lucky to have you in his life, as I am lucky to have my boyfriend in mine. I have good days and not so good days, but because of the medicine, I am dealing with my outbursts better. Again, I know I have a long road ahead, but I know with the love and support from my boyfriend, family and the counsuling from the therapist, I will get better. I have to for myself and for the good of my boyfriend and family. Is your boyfriend in therapy? How are you feeling? Karen |
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Hey,
I know its been a while since you posted that blog but I just want to ask How your going with everything now? My boyfriend suffers from depression and I Have gone through a lot of what you have said and I too find it incredibly hard. I go through stages of guilt for being selfish and sometimes I just don't know If I can handle his moods- I feel he's so selfish and then I feel terrible because its not Him its his depression! Having a boyfriend who is depressed is hard work, it is an emotional Rollercoster. I hope everything is working out for you and your relationship :) Jess |
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