Is it really over?

squeezplay · Sep 17, 2008, 08:31 PM

Have you ever seen the note book? Well my girlfriend and I are very similar to this book/movie. She broke up with me 6 days before a 2 year anniversary. The fight started like this. We were planning the day talking on aim. Half way thought the planing she asked if her ex could take her to dinner. I'm fine with him around me and her are so close were best friends very trustworthy I know shew would never cheat on me and I would never do that to her as well. I was upset but lied told her it was OK. I was upset because it was her only day off out of the whole week and she was going to have me driver her around all day shopping and then ditch me to eat with him. I was upset but didn't really tell her how I felt. She figured it out and demanded that she not go with him and rather stay with me. I should have just stopped their and accepted it. I kept going and a lie she told came out. It was a white lie to protect me. Not a big deal but I blew it into one. Next thing I know I'm at her house yelling at her which no guy should. And she was edging me on and I lost it. I picked her up out of her computer chair and basically slammed her onto her bed and yelled at her. I'm shocked at this considering I refuse to even kill grasshopper or moth in the house. I'm so gentle I'm so nice. Its currently day 19. Ive tried everything to get her back. I begged for a few days. Then she demanded her space so I gave her space. I poured my heart out into a 16 page letter that I edited and revised at least 5 times. She loved it she cried she laughed it was beautiful everyone who read it cried. But that didn't work. Ive read three books on self improvement and anger management which she knows I just completed. She called me up a few days ago yelling at me for driving her friend somewhere. So I went to her house to talk. 3 hours later we both were crying for hours. We hugged I kissed her she kissed me just nice stuff it was amazing to hold her again but she said her mind was made up. I wanted to fix it then but she forced me out. She tells me that if I need her to call her if its an emergency call her shell come in a heartbeat. If I need someone to talk to call her. She still cares so much she has her friends make sure I'm not hooking up with others at party's and I'm not drinking and driving. She obviously wants me but she said she's afraid that I'm going to hit her. I don't blame her but I want another chance. She keeps saying she just needs time and space. She said that its not over permanently forever theirs still a chance but she doesent know when. She said not to wait for her and she doesent expect me to take her back when she decides to come back but I assured her I'm waiting and I will take her with open arms. She's my soul mate I need her back. I also spend 5 hours in the rain digging at the beach 5 foot letters 2 feet deep 2 feet wide that say I LOVE YOU DIANNA and I climbed a 200 ft cliff to fit the image in my frame. Took the pic in black and white and gave it to her with a build a bear the 17in pink hearts that says I love you dianna and the other foots says will you go out with me. She said it was amazing and she knows no other guy would ever do all the things I've done for her. What do I do? How long do I wait. I donut leave my house all I do is go to school I'm in college I commute I come home work on my jeep or the Porsche and then vegetate. My health is declining I lose a pound and a half a day. The stress is causing acid reflux. Im sick from all this. Any feed back would be so much appreciate. Sorry for the length I've tried to shorten it up as best as possible. She's my best friend my girlfriend my soul mate. Words can not descirbe how close we are. Best I can say is were perfect for each other.

Sorry for the poor grammar I really am to tired to capitalize and punctuate properly or spell.

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 17, 2008, 08:55 PM

Well first off, I'll say it even though you seem to know it... you screwed up big... You made the person who is supposed to trust and feel the safest with you scared for their safety. I do commend you on how proactive you have been to rectify it though, but I don't think anything you can do right now is going to fix it. I think you have shown all you can that you are sorry and love her. I think now it's best to just give her space and let her think. If she comes back to you she does, if not than life will go on my friend, even though it seems it can't without her.

So just leave her alone, what ever happens happens...

squeezplay · Sep 17, 2008, 08:59 PM

Wow. Thanks for the fast reply. I wasent expecting anything tonight. But yes I know my mistakes. It was totally uncalled for and way out of line on numerous levels. I should not even raise my voice at her let alone touch her physically. Ive learnd and grown very much through the readings of these books. Id love a second chance to prove to her. It just stinks you know. But time will tell. Im just confused on the fact she calls me to make sure I'm OK and makes me call in in emegencies so she can come to comfort. I don't know its weird. She wants to go back out but is afraid. Id love to show her I've changed. She's amazing I look up to her in so many ways. She's so strong she's a role model.

Thank you NorthenNiceGuy and great quote

"everything will be ok in the end.

if it's not ok, it's not the end."

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 17, 2008, 09:07 PM

Well I suggest that if she is continuing to contact you than allow it to continue... if she is testing the waters to make sure she is secure with getting back with you then concentrate on showing that to her when she is around you, but don't push it on her. Like I said before, it is a waiting game.. and hopefully it works out for you... At a certain point though you are going to have to realize that it's not going to happen, and you will have to move on.

squeezplay · Sep 17, 2008, 09:16 PM

Everything that your saying is truly helping me. I really don't talk to many people about this so its good to get it off my chest and get the opinions of others. I told her its best if we stop all communications so she can see if she can make it on her own, that's what she says. But she is still demanding knowing if theirs a emergency so she can come to help. I spoke to her last night due to a health concern and she said she misses me and she loves me, She asked for a update when I feel better. I'm debating calling her and updating her when I do get better. Any suggestions? You've been awesome so far. I'm so appreciative.

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 17, 2008, 09:47 PM

Well if you agreed to let her know how the medical thing went then let her know... If the news is OK then an e-mail saying all is well would be fine and leave it at that.

TrueFaith · Sep 17, 2008, 09:58 PM

she was more shocked than you at the whole thing. I think your biggest mistake was lying about how you felt, letting that boil up inside you is a killer and you will just snap like you did.
I have the same problem I do it out of pride. I must never show myself up I tell myself, must never let them think they could even come close to hurting me,
when in fact I am dying inside. Then I blow up
I found out that just telling everyone how you feel is the best way,

just give it time she still wants to talk to you that's good. I would sort out the x thing as well.

regards

squeezplay · Sep 17, 2008, 10:12 PM

NorthenNiceGuy I will def do what you said but Truefaith I'm a little lost on the part when you said I would sort out the x thing as well.

And yes guys don't really know how to communicate but I've read a book on that as well so I'm ready and I know how to if she takes me back.

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 10:36 PM

I don't understand. You messed up and she's told you EXACTLY how she wants you to handle it... and you won't honor her wishes? That's how you show love and contrition?

"I know I screwed up and did something awful to you so now you're physically scared of me, and I know you told me what you want me to do to leave you alone...to show you how much I care I'm going to ignore what you've asked and do what I want because...because it's what I want and I guess that's more important."

That about right?

squeezplay · Sep 17, 2008, 10:53 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

I don't understand. You messed up and she's told you EXACTLY how she wants you to handle it....and you won't honor her wishes? That's how you show love and contrition?

"I know I screwed up and did something awful to you so now you're physically scared of me, and I know you told me what you want me to do to leave you alone...to show you how much I care I'm going to ignore what you've asked and do what I want because...because it's what I want and I guess that's more important."

That about right?

First off If your reading what Ive written you would see I am currently respecting her wishes of wanting space. Also I have my own opinion On the famous love qoute that if you love someone you'll let them go, if they come back they truly love you, if they don't they never did. I disagree if you truly love them you wouldn't let them just walk out of your life knowing they feel the same way toards you. I would do anthing and everything to try to convince the person other wise. Nothing has worked which is why I'm giving the space at the moment and I don't blame her one bit she's scared and she has every rite to be. Sorry if this didn't flow or sound like a complete thought I'm doing this froma phone. And I appreciate your feedback.

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 17, 2008, 11:05 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

I don't understand. You messed up and she's told you EXACTLY how she wants you to handle it....and you won't honor her wishes? That's how you show love and contrition?

"I know I screwed up and did something awful to you so now you're physically scared of me, and I know you told me what you want me to do to leave you alone...to show you how much I care I'm going to ignore what you've asked and do what I want because...because it's what I want and I guess that's more important."

That about right?

Well there's some truth here in what JB is saying... That's fine that you should do all you can to keep the person from walking out of your life... unless however, like in this case, they ask you to leave them be. Which she did and I think you should have just initially said your piece and left her alone, anything more is selfish. But you are respecting her wishes now and that's what matters...

Haha a little cold JB...

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 11:06 PM

Your belief that you'll get her back by "trying your hardest" is understandable. It's also misguided. There is a multi-level of wisdom to the old adage:

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." - Anonymous

What you've said makes it clear you don't get the deepest point of this age-old truth. Let me put it another way - you can't talk someone into loving you. You certainly can expend a lifetime of effort trying to do so, but there is a universe of things that can simply make your words irrelevant.

The feeling isn't there at all, it can't be debated into existence
The feeling already exists for someone else
The feeling exists, but the person knows enough about you to intelligently ignore the feeling for their own good
The feeling exists, but more important things are going on in their life and the relationship won't be pursued due to its lower priority
The feeling used to exist, and now does not

... and so on, and so on.

If a person is going to be with you forever, it will be because they want to, not because you make pretty speeches. Hollywood has done our country no good in that respect. Real life is always much simpler and much harder than the movie version.

So, if I do read all you've written properly, this girl knows you just fine. There's no revelation here for her. She's hurt, and may opt to make your break permanent.

If that happens, your persistence not only makes you into "desperate hopeless guy", it might actually be the REASON she makes it permanent.

If you want to get her back, leave her alone. Go work on yourself, make speeches to yourself, feed the homeless, paint a house, build a barn, do ANYTHING productive and giving that doesn't involve harassing her. She still cares for you, so she will keep some contact, make sure those are positive and guilt-free and non-aggressive.

Because of what you did, WHAT YOU DID, you will have to wait for her to open the doors again, if at all. Anything else is you missing the point of what's going on here.

squeezplay · Sep 18, 2008, 07:46 AM

It's hard but I am starting to uderstand the bigger picture.so So leaving her alone is the best thing I can do for her as well as myself. It's just hard to get her off my mind, she's doing laps in my head 24/7. When I'm awake in class she's on my mind, when I work my car she's on my mind and when I go to bed she in my head and I dream about us together happier then ever. Memories are everywhere my room my car every pace I go she's been their with me. Any idea on a good way to keep my mind off her?

talaniman · Sep 18, 2008, 08:16 AM

Its normal, and understandable, that she will be on your mind a lot after a break up. Let me refer you to the stickies at the beginning of this forum, so you'll see that everybody goes through this, and you'll get some insights, and suggestions, how to handle yourself, and cope with this break up. The "NO CONTACT CALENDER" is a must read for you.

Getting over a failed relationship, is a process that requires hard work, and time, so be patient. This is gonna hurt, but its doable.

squeezplay · Sep 18, 2008, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its normal, and understandable, that she will be on your mind a lot after a break up. Let me refer you to the stickies at the beginning of this forum, so you'll see that everybody goes thru this, and you'll get some insights, and suggestions, how to handle yourself, and cope with this break up. The "NO CONTACT CALENDER" is a must read for you.

Getting over a failed relationship, is a process that requires hard work, and time, so be patient. This is gonna hurt, but its doable.

Thanks a lot I checked in on all the stickies. I finally cleaned my room and car of stuff that she gave me. When I went to her house the other day she put my necklaces on that she bought me. I thought id never take them off. I feel naked with out the watch and necklaces. But I do feel marginally better.