[tabbarat]

I don't get why all the interrogative questions about my work or hers, but here goes:

1) flirting in bars? When did that happen? She met me in my bro's birthday and we clicked directly.. she rejected me twice before she agreed on going with me to dinner for the first time... bc of the reason I told everyone, that she told me she just got out of smthg serious and wanted to take things slow.. and since the breakup, we flirt on the phone or the time we saw each other.. which is normal for people who still like each other

2) she was with her ex for 10 yrs on and off... she lived with him for 3 yrs... he asked her to marry him before she moved here, but she wasn't ready and wanted to be on her own and try new things, etc.

3) she is serious... serious about work and was serious about me... I don't have to justify that.. I mean we had a 4mth relationship like anyone else... see each other like 4 times a week, phone everyday, dinners, movies, nightclubs, etc... very good relationship

But she warned me at the beginning that we have to take it slow because she just got out of smthg serious... she wanted to move on from her ex, and she told him to move on, in front of me even when he would call her... her feelings for me were genuine and serious (at least while her ex was out of the pic)

It may seem not serious to you now, but you had to be there from the begnning... dont just look at one part... I have no doubt that what we shared was genuine and true

She is 25, exactly, from ukraine, went to college, works in real estate, and if she has a good month, makes more than me! :) her parents seem middle class

She is very close to her parents... I met her mom, sister, and aunt, talkd to her dad on the phone... seem like nice people

She has around 10 friends in dubai (mostly co workers); mind you she has been in dubai less than a year... I know all her friends and we all get along, and my friends like her too

Trust me, I'm not into her because I haven't had many relationships... im into her for the person she is... like I said, we just click and fell for her quick and hard... her too (to her own admission)... take it in a way that I was willing to give up my single life for her

I'll give you an example.. I was on vacation for 3 weeks, had a chance to sleep with a girl, didn't do it because I couldn't cheat on her because I don't want to hurt her, and because I couldn't stop thinking about her... the old me would have nailed her hard ;)

As for me, I work in pharmaceuticals.. with Merck... im in charge of sales of one of their vaccines in dubai... Thankfully, I do pretty well and meeting my sales targets every quarter

Now tell me how all this info helps? :)

Thanks

[Cooly123]

Well I can tell you from a woman's perspective, that the transition from a long term relationship to a new country and job is crazy. I say she needs time on her own, and to save you getting scolded try and do your own thing- 'fishes in the sea' and all. Its just not worth the hassle, get out before its too l8!

[tabbarat]

Your right cooly... and that's why she told me to take it slow... and I didn't mind... im already in too deep, too late I guess, but thanks :)

[Ash123]

ok, here's what I get. The more I ask the more I learn.


Quoting you: "He asked her to marry him before she moved here, but she wasn't ready and wanted to be on her own and try new things, etc."

So, that is what she is doing and why she is protecting you. A girl can be head over heels but will stick to her "plan" of independence. So, expect that to stay the same.

Next. her job is clearly very important to her. She travelled a long way to do it. It is #1 as we all know. So, I think she will not get serious, as you know, for a while.

I am glad to hear she is close with her family so she is not drifting. It also means to me that we can believe what she says since she has a firm foundation. And she has said she wants to be independent and work on her job.

You have mutual friends. That is good for the most part. It also requires some careful maneuvering right now clearly. In a way, it is a double edged sword. You can be sort of connected which is nice. And you can show you all get along. But there is not the separation she may need.

I think she sounds like a super cool girl. And would be fun as heck to date. I think the next chance to rekindle what you have will come when her independence and her job are cooking - as you know. How long? I'd say about a year would be wise. 6 months if all goes as well as possible. Anything before that she would not likely take seriously. (She might hook up with you before that, but being a serious girlfriend before that - I'd guess probably not.)

Life is tough and sometimes we have to prioritize and that is what she is doing.

One note: The word "love" is a powerful one and when we hear it, it can make really move us. It means a lot. I have to say that the word is often not as quite as meaningful as the actions... and right now her actions are not love. But if things change let me know. I hope you find what you're looking for. It may take a lot of patience and it may... not be her.

[tabbarat]

For some reason I was not allowed to give you a reputation, but you deserve an award ;)... well said and well interpreted

I'm sure she felt things with us were getting serious; at a point when she was stressed at work, and realized she still had feelings for her ex... so the logical step was to cut me out and give herself space, so she can concentrate on her work.. I understand that...

When we were talking on the phone the other day, she told me that she is sorry about how things ended up, but she explained her situation... she was very worried about getting fired, because that means she has to go back to ukraine for 6mnths! And she loves her life here with me, her friends, her work, and of course her aunt... she would prefer to stay here..

OK.. let me recap... everything was great between us, moving forward, falling more and more for each other, then all of a sudden she gets the warning at work... she gets stressed and that made her realize what her priorities are and maybe also turned her off our relationship... the stress at work made her realize she misses the person who knows her best, her ex of 10 yrs... she gives him a call... for about one week, she was talking to him and me together, but she realized she also still had feelings for him... knowing that, plus the stress at work, she decided to cut me out.. sound about right?

OK.. I know all this... ur saying I have to give her space for maybe 6 mnths to sort her life out... I don't mind being friends with her during this time because I do care about her; but:

1) she is on probation, so that means she could be gone any month... time is not a luxury

2) what about her ex boyfriend? What are your thoughts on that? U talked about her and me, and her and her work, but what about him? How does he fit it in?

Because I know she has feelings for him and for me... so as long as she is confused, I have a window of opportunity... the moment I back out, I move into the pure friendzone, and he moves back in as a long distance ex (if she ends up staying in dubai)

For that reason I'm doing a strategy of mixing distance with flirting.. giving her space but also staying in the pic

Thanks again, take care

[wikedjuggalo]

Her ex BF is a comfort zone. Something she can fall back on if things get rough.

[Ash123]

This is likely my last post on this so read close.

1. My last post pretty much said it all. Please re-read
2. If she is on limited time, then she KNOWS you both are on limited time.
So, when you see her - yes be fun and nice... But not much else to do.
At some point, as long as you have said she is important to you and how you feel, you've done your job.
(That usually happens at the break-up) Contacting her beyond that will just stress her.
3. The boyfriend is going to be in play/in her mind for 6 months to a year NO MATTER where she is.
4. It's just bad luck right now for you. Don't worry, I don't think you are a player. No player would freak out this much after 4 months. :-)
I am glad you care for her a lot. But a lot of this is out if your hands.

I've gotten girls back MANY times, and it only lasts if they have sorted out whatever was bugging them to begin with. If this was just an insecure girl you could fight for her and make it clear you want to marry her etc. but this is not one of those cases. She wants to be single. If she ever doesn't want to be--you'll know it. Until then, relax, it is out of your hands...

[tabbarat]

Again, well said... hope u stick around though

[talaniman]

for some reason I was not allowed to give u a reputation, but u deserve an award ;)... well said and well interpreted

Due to your disagreement ratings to others for their opinion, which is a violation of the rules, someone gave you enough disagreements to nullify your ability to rate others, whether you agree or disagree. Read the rules.

[tabbarat]

;)

[Ash123]

I thought it was just a "spread the reputations" that caused it?

Oh well, love is a battlefield.

[tabbarat]

True... all is fair in love and war...

Anyway, just to let you guys know... last time me and my ex had contact was on Sunday, when I messaged to see how she is, but she called back instead and we had a nice long flirtatious conversation... im thinking of calling her tmrw.. contact once a week, can't be that bad ;)

Regards

[wikedjuggalo]

Good luck man I don't wish you the crap end of the stick here. In an Ideal world everything ends as we want it to. BUt as we all know it does not. I just don't want you get hurt if you end up being a failed rebound. 10 years being with someone is a long time to get over it all. But I do wish you the best, as in the comes around to you and your happy for the rest of your life.

[tabbarat]

Thanks man... have met some nice people here the past 3 weeks... even though sometimes I don't listen to ppl's advices, I still appreciate all posts

I know 10 yrs is a long time to get over someone... but I was with someone for 5 yrs, and am over her.. in fact she is getting engaged soon to the guy she started dating 3 months after our break up! I know I shouldn't compare, but it is an example of how sometimes you should just move forward and leave the past behind

Will keep you guys updated... take care

[talaniman]

Look we know your stubborn, and smitten, and as pessimistic as I may sound, or as harsh as I can get, its all about being healthy in mind, to be able to judge the facts, for what they are, and make reasonable decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.

Backing away, and changing the routine, and cutting contact, is a way to achieve that goal. It will allow you the advantage of clearer perspective. That's all No contact does. It lets the emotional dust settle enough that the brain can be engaged, to it full potential.

[tabbarat]

I completely agree with u... but what is no contact supposed to do for me now? Think clearly about what? If I still want her or not? If she is worth the "chase'?...i already thought about it, and the answer is yes...

i am completely for the NC strategy if there was a huge fight or disagreement of somekind, or some irreconcilable differences, in order to let the emotioanl dust settle...for example, my relationship of 5 yrs ended bc we couldnt agree on if/when to get married...i was ready, she was not...so we used to fight...no contact gave us the sapce and time we needed to think clearly and we both decided that it was best to end it..so we stayed friends

but this case is different...there was no fight or differences...i mean i was not confused about anything...i wanted her 3 weeks ago, and i still want her now...so NC from my end now wouldnt solve anything, and it wouldnt serve its purpose...

i agree she needs space to sort out her life (work, if she is gonna stay in dubai, her ex back in the pic, etc), and i agreed to give her space...i changed the routine, no contact everyday, no seeing her 4 times a week anymore, etc...so she has her space to think, but again, i contact her still once in a while to "influence" her decision... and she doesn't seem to mind, may I add ;)

Finally, I don't think your harsh, on the contrary, your advices are sound and just

[tabbarat]

Correction: my ex of 5yrs was ready to get married, I was not :)

[talaniman]

No contact may give you the time to settle down, and think of a better strategy! This one ain't working, and you will be in friend zone, until you figure this out.

Your situation may be unique to you, but you could benefit from think time.


judge the facts, for what they are, and make reasonable decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.

[tabbarat]

I think your suggestion of a better strategy would be full NC, then maybe in like 6 mnths contact again or smthg when she would have sorted her life out... maybe, but its too long to wait when there is an ex back in the pic AND because we don't know if she will still be in the country by then.. time is not a luxury

That's why I'm doing a balance strategy.. and as long as I'm flirting and saying and doing things that will kepp me out of the friendzone, I shouldn't worry... obviously there are actions and words you should say to stay out of that zone

A few are: flirting, don't talk about her boyfriend! make her jealous sometimes, tease her in a funny way, if your going to invite her out it should be at night and preferably alone, etc... these are a few things I can think of now (more ideas welcome)

Sure I haven't got her back yet, and that's IF I get her back, but in any case, 3 weeks is still a short time to determine

[talaniman]

All due respect, but your strategy has some really big flaws in it, and all built on assumptions, and fear. You can never assume the female heart, and mind, nor can you make some one comeback to you, nor make them feel as you do, or as you want them to. The fear comes in when you let the shadow of the ex, enter your thinking, and assumes how she may feel about him.

Better to get solid with the things you CAN control, and that's YOU, and what you do for yourself. I've seen many a guy crash, and burn, over assumptions, and try to control a situation he cannot. So do your thing, as I can appreciate the learning process, and the growing pains that come with it. I won't say I told you so.

HINT- She doesn't want either of you!!