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valinors_sorrow · Jun 3, 2006, 07:34 AM

But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this.

Be as straight forward as possible. Short, simple and to the point while not appearing cold or as if you are cutting her off. Negotiate what is comfortable for her and be flexible about it. She may have a lot of questions. Answer only those that seem appropriate with short "I statements" (has your counselor covered that with you yet?) while not engaging in debate. One way to stop a conversation is to simply acknowledge the sadness too - "I know this is hard on both of us." Repeat that statement as often as necessary. If she holds your stuff "hostage", then it may be wise to buy new stuff and change the locks instead, depending on $ value vs hassle/trauma, of course. :(

I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a scene.

IF she does this, tell her to meet you after work at _____ time and _____ place and request that she leave immediately. Again short, simple and to the point. Remember her actions reflect on her, not you. IF she doesn't comply, let security or whoever deals with unwanted visitors take over. If that is you, escort her out and state again that you will meet her later. Then walk away.

I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.

Now you are beginning to see.. . We all play a part in what takes place in our lives. Its good to be aware of what your part is. It is really only there, in our part, that the most effective change can take place. But from what I have learned, to change ME is to sometimes change the whole world! :)

Good posting.

(... and totally unrelated: I finally figured out the "quote, response, quote, response" thingy - does the "I Did It" Dance around the site... woo hoooo! LOL) :p

mikemoulton · Jun 4, 2006, 07:00 PM

I hear where you are coming from. I am going through an emotional nightmare myself right now. I would advise that if you are not totally committed then take a little break to find yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy with the decision you make in the end. I truly feel you need to be secure with yourself before you can involve others espically if it means a lifelong commitment. I too am so afraid of being alone that I can't see the positive things out of my situation but I am working on it. At least now I know what they are.

Myth · Jun 5, 2006, 10:50 AM

I don't know where your located but you might be able to have someone from law enforcement do a stand by while you get your things out of her house... If she shows up at work then I think I might see about getting a restraining order. Just to be on the safe side so that you don't loose your job.

Wildcat21 · Jun 5, 2006, 11:07 AM

It's too bad you can't sit down and tell her what drove you away and wha tshe needs to work on.

I do, in your situation, believe a break is good.

Hopefully she is smart enough to let you be for a while. I think you just need to ask her for this.

I would hope she listens... maybe she will change as well.

sfqt33 · Jun 6, 2006, 07:20 AM

Hi all,
I have posted several times before about my situation. I am having a hard time breaking up with my girlfriend. I start to pull away and take care of myself, get strong, hang out with my family and friends and than bam, I get scared and lonely and give into her. She says something and I get sucked back into the relationship. Then I think, I am not a spring chicken and start wondering, " will I ever find anyone else". I know I have a lot to offer someone, but I'm scared. I have been intensely working on myself and trying to get in touch with my feelings through therapy and other spiritual work.
I suppose I have abandonment issues I need to look at. My friend said to stop beating myself up and except the fact that it is a "process". I am building up the strength to leave her. I don't know why leaving her is so difficult for me.
I know I have no future with her. She drains me,every time I talk to her.
I don't want to go find someone else to make this break up easier. I want to do it healthy. Help, why can't I do this??

Krs · Jun 6, 2006, 07:30 AM

Put it this way... the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to break up with her.
In your previous post you said you been with this girl for 2 years now, am I right?
You know you have no future with her and you stated that she drains you every time you talk to her, so you surely don't love her. Do u think she loves you?
There is no nice way of breaking up with someone, if that may help!

sfqt33 · Jun 6, 2006, 07:38 AM

I have been with her for one year. Yes, she loves me A lot. I saw her last night I was hoping that my feelings would come back, but they didn't. I can't stand this. My family keeps telling me how wonderful she is, and that they don't understand why I wouldn't want to be with her. They don't see this "other side of her".

Krs · Jun 6, 2006, 07:40 AM

Your not happy buddy, I can just see it.
Why make this worse on yourself eh? Be strong and talk to her.
Tell her you fell out of love, and its not fair on you and even on her to be in a relationship which you see no future in.

What's her other side?

sfqt33 · Jun 6, 2006, 07:41 AM

Other side meaning: insecure, manipulative, jealous, smothering, etc.

Krs · Jun 6, 2006, 07:50 AM

Break up with her, what's the point in furthering this relationship when there is 1 side love only and besides explain to her that its neither fair on her that this relationship goes on as you fell out of love.
Breaking up is never easy and there is no nice way of doing so unless it's a mutual decission.
Pack up the courage... and do it! :)
Good Luck

Wildcat21 · Jun 6, 2006, 07:59 AM

Wow Dude, that's just so tough... BUT in longer term relationships you do go thorugh phases of not being totally in love. It can come and go.

She needs more re-assurances from YOU though. I am sure you give her a lot of reasons you might leave.

Krs · Jun 6, 2006, 08:01 AM

Its true what you say wildcat, but if these phases are temporary and short-term then its OK but if they're not then I suppose you know the answer!

talaniman · Jun 6, 2006, 10:07 AM

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down! :cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

Wildcat21 · Jun 6, 2006, 10:25 AM

Yeah, it is kind of strange you went back to her so soon. WHy put her through that?

sfqt33 · Jun 6, 2006, 01:49 PM

I don't think we ever officially broke up. Thank you for your words but, I already feel like crap guys.

Krs · Jun 6, 2006, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down!!:cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

Couldn't comment on your post but wanted to add - how true!

talaniman · Jun 6, 2006, 03:20 PM

:cool: I didn't write the doggone post to add to your misery I wanted you to get off the pity pot and get some action. That's the only way you'll feel better about yourself!

Wildcat21 · Jun 6, 2006, 03:21 PM

I agree! I break from her for a month at least and then see how you feel. You need to breath.

s_cianci · Jun 6, 2006, 03:59 PM

I have to agree with Wildcat and talaniman on this one. It's not fair to her for you to keep dragging your feet. You've already decided you have no future together. Your constant coming and going is probably leaving her hoping that you'll eventually come around and that the two of you will stay together. She deserves to know the truth. Actually even a little bit of "tough love" may be in order here. You have your reasons for not wanting to stay with her and, accepting what you say at face value, they're good reasons. Someone probably needs to point out to her how she drives people away by being clingy, smothering, controlling, etc. Being honest with her could pave the way to her doing a little self-improvement and making better her chances of eventually having a successful relationship with someone else. That's actually a lot more kinder than the approach you've been taking with continually stringing her along, giving her false hopes. Think it over. If you need some pointers on what to say to her we could help you out with that as well.

Skell · Jun 6, 2006, 04:14 PM

You have said in the past how miserable you are with her. Isn't this enough to prove that there is only one option at this point? You have acknowledged that you need time to work on yourself. Please go and take this time.
People aren't trying to make you feel like crap. They are simply seeing a situation that you yourself are describing and giving you the best adivce they can based on the information. It is up to you whether you want to act on this advice.

Good luck.