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brooklyn4444 · Sep 10, 2008, 10:19 AM

I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a man who is 12 years my junior. I just turned 40 this past July and he is 28. We have had our share of ups and downs but the main issue that keeps resurfacing is his problem with our age difference. When we first met he knew how old I was and that I have kids that are already older (almost in his peer group). We met back East and when I moved back to my home state he came with me. While back East he never introduced me to any of his friends, even when we went back to visit. He has been at his current job for almost 2 years and periodically hangs out with people from work and will not introduce me to them. He says he talks about me all the time at work but doesn't want anyone to meet me because of our age difference. He says it matters what his coworkers/friends think. I have to say I am a little overweight also and that is something I am working on. When he told me he wouldn't introduce me to the people he works with because of what they might say I was so hurt. He also pretty much implied that he was doing me a favor by being with me. At times he is so loving and caring, and at other times when these things come out it is so hurtful, almost like its two different people. It kind of reminds me of someone who is living in the closet. Any advise? Yeah leaving is always an option but I would like to resolve our issues.

ConfusedInAK · Sep 10, 2008, 10:24 AM

Sorry but that sounds like he is so insecure about what other people might think that his immaturity is showing through...

My man is 12 years older than me, we have 4 kids... I couldn't care less what people might think... I love him and he's an awesome person.

And his insecurities are probably more unfounded then he realizes...

In 7 years I don't think one person has commented on our age difference (other than my parents at the beginning of our relationship)... and now they love him

JBeaucaire · Sep 10, 2008, 10:47 AM

Did you have a specific question?

In general, relationships are about examining. You two have been together long enough to have thoroughly examined each other.

You just need to decide if you can live with his quirks or not. It's totally on you. He's not going to change, nor does he really need to.

Does the good outweigh the bad or not? Sometimes one bad thing can outweigh 100 good ones, only you can decide that.

What do you REALLY think?

Be careful here. Although you want to be romantic, you have to be realistic. Don't let the length of time you've been together affect your truthfulness about whether you two are going to make it or not. It's a common problem to say "we've been together so long"... and then list of crap you're going to put up with you probably shouldn't. Just be careful.

bigdee · Sep 10, 2008, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by ConfusedInAK

Sorry but that sounds like he is so insecure about what other people might think that his immaturity is showing through....

My man is 12 years older than me, we have 4 kids... I could care less what people might think... I love him and he's an awesome person.

And his insecurities are probably more unfounded then he realizes...

In 7 years I don't think one person has commented on our age difference (other than my parents at the beginning of our relationship)... and now they love him

Yes he is being insecure. And I'd recommend she find someone who is more mature and considerate about the situation.

But, despite being unfair, there is a big difference between a large age gap where the woman is older than the man and vice versa. In our (and most) societies, It is more acceptable for the man to be much older (unless the girl is really young - like 18 and he's 30). It's not fair but that is the way it is. I personally know more than few relationships where the guy is 10+ years older and no one blinks an eye. I honestly don't know any relationship where the girl is even 5+ years older...

ConfusedInAK · Sep 10, 2008, 11:07 AM

True... depending where you are it may be less acceptable...

But one would think with all the Older Woman/Younger Man couples the media has portrayed it has become more acceptable...

liz28 · Sep 10, 2008, 12:38 PM

Do you think you could be with someone who wants to hide you? Also, why be someone who basically think you should be happy with him because he doing you a favor by being with you? If he is ashamed of being with you then why be with you?

If he is with you it shouldn't matter what anyone say or think about your being together, it is his decision and no one else. I bet you he isn' ashamed being with you when your kiss or have relations, if your are. It sounds more like an excuse so why be with someone who makes you feel this way. Do your even go out in public on dates?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 10, 2008, 01:28 PM

If he is ashamed of you he does not really love you, You both need counseling, since he is not really committed to your relationship

ylaira · Sep 10, 2008, 02:35 PM

All of my lovers were older than me not less than 12 years. The one Im currently now is the oldest. We're 29 years apart: Im 25, he's 54 We are not the typical couples you usually see in movies: He's big, I'm pettite, he's white, Im asian.

When I first told him about him, my father didn't say any, my stepmother smirked, my siblings laughed, my friends squinted & my cousins called him "pedophile", I was asked "can't you find anybody else?" or told "You really want that green card so bad,huh?" ( I don't even want to live in the US, for God sake!). I knew from the very beginning that these reactions should be expected but STILL IT HURTS so I just try to choose people that I can introduce to him or even tell him about, only those close enough to me that I can take whatever will be said.

When I tell my Bf about these, he says I should just ignore it, but I can't Im still hurt. Its not that Im ashamed of him (we are anot committing adultery whatever), I just don't want to hear bad things about him behind his back.

Compared to your Bf, I STILL show him to people even at the back of my mind, Im hearing " mocking voices". Its your call but these things shouldn't be like this for long.

talaniman · Sep 10, 2008, 05:36 PM

You have put up with this for 4 years and not resolved it?? The age difference is a non issue, compared to the lack of communications, and a willingness to work together. Just curious, why you have put up with this demeaning behavior, from this insecure little boy??

ylaira · Sep 10, 2008, 05:50 PM

If he isn't making efforts to overcome his fears, then age is just an excuse.

Swagga · Oct 13, 2008, 07:58 AM

My boyfriend is four years older than me and he doesn't care. Age is nothing love is something. It sounds like he is delivering mixed messages and no one should tell you that he is doing you a favour by being with you. Next time he says that reverse it on him and say he's lucky a woman like yourself with such class and style is even looking at him given his age. He should shut up after that. I suggest you confront him and tell him that you want to be known and not some secret. If he still feels the same way and his actions don't change you don't need him. You can find someone else who loves you so much more. Age is just a number and him acting like that is just plain wrong. That is like my boyfriend saying that he's doing me a favour by being with me because I was in between jobs and that I'm younger.

You also mentioned that you're overweight. If that's the case I can tell you one thing for sure. Size doesn't matter and the reason why males particularly pressure women about weight is not because they are pressured about the size of their package but they don't know what beauty is. Beauty isn't Halle Berry or Pamela Anderson it's the person inside that counts. It's all well and good to get the help but if a man is pressuring you about that don't bother.

Hope Things Get Better,

Swagga

sherri68 · Feb 10, 2009, 11:54 PM

Wow! On everyone opinions... hmm this thread is pretty old.. no one may even read this hehe but ON the initial question... yea only you can decide but you need to ask yourself this question.. how much do you love you? He's not doing you any favors get your butt in that gym lose that weight and start feeling good about yourself... the fact that he is ashamed and doesn't want to introduce you to his friends hurts me geeez... my man is 13 years younger and he wants to introduce me to people I don't even want to meet... he showers me with love and affection and always tells me how great it is to have me as his friend... sure I see him look at girls on occasion but if he was 40 he'd probably do that and well I'm guilty to... but I know he loves me appreciates me and you deserve someone everyone deserves someone they can trust with their heart... and if he can't even share the woman he loves with people they don't even know who he is on the inside... he's a loser... BIG L!