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chesterlop · May 24, 2006, 08:43 PM

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kp2171 · May 24, 2006, 11:22 PM

To use divorce so casually as she has is not a good sign.

I am not a proponent of divorce, at least not as an easy way out of doing the work that one assumes when taking vows.

But... I hate to say this... unless you can really trust her, and unless you can some way understand why she was in that place, I think this is a bad, bad sign.

The first year or two of marriage had some unexpected ups and downs for us... really the hardest ones we've had. So its not to say that the glorified honeymoon period is just lovely for all others. It is sometimes tough.

But man... anyone who casually throws around the threat of divorce is crossing a line in my mind. I would have quite a hard time trusting that person to be true to their vows... and it would be a long, long time before I was comfortable in that relationship again.

fredg · May 25, 2006, 05:34 AM

Hi,
I was divorced after my 1st 7 yrs of marriage; big blow, with 2 small boys at the time. Then, after 3 years, remarried, now for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman.
Sounds like you made a mistake in marrying her. You weren't ready for marriage. Stop the threats of Divorce, and see a lawyer. Get his/her advice on how to proceed. You have your own life to think about, your happiness, and there is nothing you can do that will make it any easier on her.
But, before all of the above, have you two considered going to a Marriage Counselor? It's a lot easier to get married; a lot harder to go through a divorce!
Best of luck.

phillysteakandcheese · May 25, 2006, 08:19 AM

Sounds very much like she is playing games with you.

You can't get out of this situation fast enough. Your doing nothing but making yourself miserable and resentful by allowing guilt and bad feelings to hold you hostage.

J_9 · May 25, 2006, 08:53 AM

Just one question here? Is she a depressed person? By that I mean has she been diagnosed for depression by a doctor? Although I agree with all of the advice you have gotten so far, I wonder if she may be suffering from depression and should get on some meds.

I have been in a similar situation, although my husband used to say he should go back to his ex-wife. After getting him to a doc and getting on meds he is the most wonderful man in the world now.

Just a thought.

valinors_sorrow · May 25, 2006, 08:57 AM

Since the relationship is so unstable, I would suggest you remain living apart. Not wise to solve instability by moving back in together. Time for everyone to try and sit still and breathe, so to speak.

It sounds to me that the uncertainty about the marriage (salvage or end) is really what's causing problems (besides all the other problems!). For that I would suggest whoever is able (one or both of you) seek out the help of a professional to guide you to the appropriate decisions on that.

I also had a one year marriage long ago. I still feel an ever so slight twinge of shame about it, but it's a lot less than it used to be. It went south as soon as we married. We got in counseling early on. I went and he tagged along eventually is really how it happened.

I managed to experience relief and make some changes. However at the ten month mark, the counselor showed me how my husband was insincere in his efforts. So after a year of marriage and ten months of counseling, I decided to leave him with a much clearer conscience.

As it was, I didn't marry again for a long time, for many reasons, one of which was this faliure really slowing me down (I too had believed in forever like you). However I would like to emphasize that the counseling I got was invaluable despite the marriage ending up in a divorce since my belief would have been "never again" without it.

But when I did marry for the second time, like a few of us here, it remains to this day a (mostly) happy and satisfying one.

Lots of lessons learned there. I hope that was helpful to you both.

J_9 · May 25, 2006, 10:24 AM

Ahh, sounds like she hasn't found the right meds. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, it is truly terrible to watch the one you love go through something like this.

I understand her not wanting to go back to the dr, but meds are different for every person. It may take 8 - 10 different meds before you find the right one. And each one takes approximatley 8 weeks to be completely in the blood stream.

I agree with everyone else on their advice on this post, I just thought I would touch on this issue.

Sometimes the illness seems like games when you look back because the illness is never logical. And as your friend said "you can't control how she feels."

Have you tried telling her that you would like to work on the marriage, but she has to work also? And part of her working on it is to get on the meds and stay on them.

My 15 year marriage to my husband has only been better since he realized that he needs them. It took almost 6 years for him to realize this. It is a long process, but one that has worked for me.

kp2171 · May 25, 2006, 10:47 PM

I dated a girl for 6 years before we broke it off. I was sure we would marry. At the time it was a huge blow... and I was the one that called it absolute quits.

So dating a long time unfortunately doesn't guarantee a strong marriage. It's a great idea and one that I think more people should entertain, but unfortunately dating and marriage are not the same beasts.

Kudos to you for going to counseling before the marriage. That shows you are genuine in wanting to make a strong relationship.

I have a cousin whose wife is depressed much of the time. She is a nurse, a great lady, and they have been married 13 years w 2 kids. The depression is taking its toll. They are great for each other when things are good. And I love her enough to not blame her for the strain on the relationship.

But cronic depression can take such a toll on a relationship... I really feel for you and your situation and your caring enough to try to get back to a better place.

Obviously if you wanted the easy way out, you wouldve gone by now.

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 10:10 AM

I am confused and I don't mean this sarcastically...

Has anything significant changed since you asked this last time?

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 11:22 AM

Okay so its time to fix it or end it then.. .

Maybe its time to look over the advice already given here? There have been lots of good things said! Chart each one even and add them up, if you can't determine which one is best?

Just be careful with soliciting advice until you get the answer you're hoping for. Although that is an all too human thing to do (I can certainly relate! ) it really isn't a good way to go about it.