[dbrjus002]

I just wanted to ask your advice, I have really messed up a relationship with a girl I really love and would love to be my wife one day.
It started, and there was the usual, the sexual attraction the laughs the fun the good times... it was pretty perfect! She always told me how much she loves, and how perfect I was and how happy she was with me. We started having our ups and downs and fights became a little more regular, for some reason I started becoming very insecure and it led to a lot of jealousy and distrust even though she had given me no reason for either of these. At the end of the relationship we had moved in together for about 2 months, and the fighting just got worse and worse and really ugly things were said and we almost always spent our weekends apart from each other because of this. I know my insecurities were the reason I acted like a total idiot. After we did break up I was really hurt but probably deserved it for the way I was treating her. A week after we had broken up she told me she didn't love me anymore, I had pushed her too far, she was so happy to be without me and she felt less stressed and free to be herself. I just hurt cause besides the fighting we did really get along and I loved her company.. she obviously didn't mine. After we broke up I sent her really ugly messages having a dig at her and her whole character and stuff, really things I didn't mean I was just so angry.. after I apologised I ran after her sending her messages trying to phone her etc just to be ignored... I really don't know what to do now cause this is really a girl I love with all my heart, and now she has no interest in any communication with me. I just can't believe she got ove me so quickly, and has found someone new when I know what we had was special... I just became really insecure at the end.. but want another chance to right my wrongs... any advice?

[happy_jester]

I just became really insecure at the end....

It's good that you have learned,from this situation that you are insecure.

Sadly,it would seem that this girl has moved on... and so must you.

Do your own thing,and slowly,you'll learn to live with this.

[JBeaucaire]

You weren't in love, you were extremely attracted to her, and she let you in. By "love", I mean that enduring, sacrificial, selfless, giving, gentle, caring love that makes a woman snuggle in for a lifetime. THAT'S the love I'm talking about.

You didn't have that. You had that obsessive, selfish, needy, immature, inexperienced, rush-to-move-in-together-WAY-too-early, jealous, evil-text-messages kind of infatuation. That's what you had.

BTW, what you had FEELS pretty dog-gone strong, too, like real love might. But when what you're feeling is making you think/focus/stress over yourself, that's not love.

Real love is about giving, not getting. You'll get there, truly you will.
============

You already know jealousy isn't about her, it's about you. As long as you take your jealous reflex and put it on the object of your jealousy, you'll chase them away with that behavior. So, it's up to you when that stops.

You can be jealous, feel jealous, but when you talk to your girl about it, you talk about YOU, not her. You don't tell her what SHE'S doing to make you jealous, 'cause she's not causing it, you are. You tell her YOU have problems with jealousy feelings and that YOU are working on it. Big difference there.
===============

And except for the sniping emails you sent her afterward... and if you DIDN'T mean the things you said and said them anyway, I'd call that downright 'evil'... except for those evil emails that permanently ended things with her, what you described is the natural form of any relationship 'attempt'.

• You like someone and ask them out
• You get exclusive
• You're honeymoon "everything is wonderful" period lasts X-months (3-12 usually)
• You both start acting more normal
• (here's where you two moved in together and shouldn't have)
• As familiarity sets in, the natural incompatibilities and selfishnesses start to come back
• Self-focus becomes each person's main process and the relationship starts to end
• Most relationship end horribly because people can't be mature and just admit the incompatibilities are too great, they blame the other person for everything...blah blah
• It ends and the person who moves on first is considered awful and "never loved" the other one

It's the same story over and over.

Your relationships are all going to end, the trick is to get BETTER at spotting the incompatibilities sooner, and making the breakup less traumatic.

One day, out of nowhere, someone you're dating WON'T start acting selfishly after 12 months, and neither will you... magically, you'll be in your first truly selfless and sacrificial relationship.

But that's a ways off. This interview was by the book, except moving in with your applicant. Don't do that.

[Romefalls19]

Seek counseling on your insecurities because you can not face this battle alone, all you do is mask the changes and then when you get into another relationship you will simply fall back into the safety of routine. I know from first hand experience. I was EXTREMELY jealous, I would never let my girlfriend talk to other guys, didn't like her paging over an intercom at work, would constantly watch who she added on myspace/facebook, didn't want her close to guys, didn't want her working past a certain time or on certain nights.

We broke up over this amongst other issues and I knew I had to change for myself to have a better relationship in the future. Just to give you hope that it can be fixed. The girl I am currently dating/living with(against recommendations I know, but situations prompted this and we are prepared for this) she currently works at a restaurant as a hostess, constantly talking to people, she works wens, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, sometimes until 1 am. I don't let it bother me, she's an attractive woman who does get hit on, but she comes home to me every night and loves me. And for me that's enough. A lesson I learned in therapy

"Anyone who wants to cheat is going to, no matter how many restrictions you put on them"

[happy_jester]

You tell her YOU have problems with jealousy feelings and that YOU are working on it. Big difference there.

The big difference,being,that YOU are taking responsibility for YOUR actions.
And when that happens,and only then will life start to improve for you.

[talaniman]

I know what we had was special... I just became really insecure at the end.. but want another chance to right my wrongs... any advice?

Get yourself in order first, and realize she didn't see it as you did. What you thought was so special or perfect, wasn't what she was seeing so poof, end of the relationship.
Move on, and work on your own issues as Rome says, and go a lot slower with these females, as I still wonder what was so special about arguing, and spending weekends away from each other?

[happy_jester]

What was so special about arguing, and spending weekends away from each other?

... This kind of behaviour will tear you apart,NOT bring you closer together!!

[Ettevy]

Get help. I am going to.