[Stringer]

I really don't like the look the that duck's eye... scary... go back and look...

But... lots of breast meat though... :) She looks COLD! Bumps and all...

[friend4u178]

Three golfers are killed in a car crash and, having mostly behaved themselves in life, they go straight to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter greets them at the gate and says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't hit the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and, to their great joy, discover that it is one enormous golf course -- but there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible to play without hitting one. Sure enough, though they do their best to avoid it, one of the men eventually hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, appears with the ugliest woman the men have ever seen. St. Peter handcuffs this woman to the unfortunate golfer and says, "Your punishment is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."

The very next day, the second man accidentally hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter arrives, and with him is another unbelievably ugly woman. He handcuffs the two together and sentences the man to remain chained to her for all eternity.

The third man is determined not to end up like his buddies, so he is extremely careful. He manages to golf for months without mishap. And one day, Poof! St. Peter appears with an absolutely gorgeous woman. He chains the two together without a word and vanishes. The man stares at this goddess, this vision of perfection with whom he will now spend eternity, and says, "Whatever did I do to deserve you?" The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

[Alty]

What time does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

Why don't you ever bring a duck with you into the washroom?

Because it might be "a Pekin"!!

Hee, hee, ha, ha, sigh. You didn't say they had to be good jokes. ;)

[Stringer]

Three golfers are killed in a car crash and, having mostly behaved themselves in life, they go straight to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter greets them at the gate and says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't hit the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and, to their great joy, discover that it is one enormous golf course -- but there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible to play without hitting one. Sure enough, though they do their best to avoid it, one of the men eventually hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, appears with the ugliest woman the men have ever seen. St. Peter handcuffs this woman to the unfortunate golfer and says, "Your punishment is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."

The very next day, the second man accidentally hits a duck. Poof! St. Peter arrives, and with him is another unbelievably ugly woman. He handcuffs the two together and sentences the man to remain chained to her for all eternity.

The third man is determined not to end up like his buddies, so he is extremely careful. He manages to golf for months without mishap. And one day, Poof! St. Peter appears with an absolutely gorgeous woman. He chains the two together without a word and vanishes. The man stares at this goddess, this vision of perfection with whom he will now spend eternity, and says, "Whatever did I do to deserve you?" The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

Niiiiiiiiiiiiice... didn't see that one coming M!

[Stringer]

Two Happy Ducks

A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"

The duck replies, "I've been playing in puddles all day." The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.

A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"

The duck gives the bartender the same answer, "I've been playing in puddles all day." This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it at the bar.

A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world. The bartender asks the duck, "What's wrong with you?"

The duck replies, "My name is Puddles and I've had a terrible day."

[friend4u178]

HA hA... lmao :eek:

[Stringer]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do with them. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them. That should take care of your problem." The man thanks the officer and drives off with the ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

[friend4u178]

LOL... another good one stringer :)

[Stringer]

Thanks M...

StarDUCK.. Are you laughing...

Ok guys.. need more DUCK jokes here... come on... I think she is weakening...

[friend4u178]

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

[friend4u178]

Q. How do you make a duck sing?

A. Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

[ISneezeFunny]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks:

"So whaddaya got in the bag?"

The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a georgious piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man:

"Where the hell'd ya get that?"

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish," she says.

The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:

"I want a million bucks."

So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says:

"Y'know, I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."

To this the man responded:

"No ! Do you really think that I would have wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

[starbuck8]

I've had a great day!

I started flying around the golf course, and laughing at all of other ducks,. then I played in puddles for awhile just flappin around,. then a nice man picked me up,. and took me to the zoo... and now I'm sunning myself on the beach!. It's great here in Aruba!. I've got lunch... lovely crackers,. and I've got Bill Withers on my headset!. I will send postcards! :D

I'm heading back to the bar... I hear my friends are there!!

[Alty]

Hee, hee, you guys quack me up. :)

Where's the duck, is she rolling on the floor laughing, or is she smashing her puter? ;)

[bigbird213]

Hey all,

Only here for a few minutes, late night gym trip :)

What's up?

[ISneezeFunny]

You just got back from the gym, I just woke up from a nap and contemplating gym.

... not likely. Exhausted.

[bigbird213]

No no, just about to go out :p

I wish I went earlier, but I rolled my ankle pretty bad yesterday and today is my leg workout. I'm thinking its going to be fairly disappointing :(

[Stringer]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks:

"So whaddaya got in the bag?"

The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a georgious piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man:

"Where the hell'd ya get that?"

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish," she says.

The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:

"I want a million bucks."

So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says:

"Y'know, I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."

To this the man responded:

"No ! Do you really think that I would have wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Funnneeeee..

[Alty]

You two buff boys have come to visit. I feel special. ;)

So, Biggie, Sneezy, how are my favorite 20 something's? ;);)

[Stringer]

I've had a great day!!

I started out flying around the golf course, and laughing at all of other ducks,...............then I played in puddles for awhile just flappin around,..................then a nice man picked me up,............ and took me to the zoo......................and now I'm sunning myself on the beach!!!.......................It's great here in Aruba!!!!..................I've got lunch...........lovely crackers,............ and I've got Bill Withers on my headset!!...........I will send postcards!! :D

I'm heading back to the bar...........I hear my friends are there!!!!!!

PLAN B.........:rolleyes: