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FULLofRACQUET · Aug 23, 2008, 03:04 PM

I know what you mean man! I have started the NoForM (No Facebook of Myspace) rule for myself! Whenever I feel like I am about to check one of those mediums, I quickly collect my thoughts and either call a friend, or go to a website that I know will entertain me for a while. Also, you can always come here and vent! This has become a great escape for me personally!

jiltedgirl · Aug 23, 2008, 09:19 PM

You have to find a way to stop. It only prolongs your hurt.

Can you have those sites in particular blocked or something?

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 09:44 PM

Either get some help for your problem, or find better things to do with your time.

chuff · Aug 24, 2008, 10:10 AM

I've never been in a 7 year relationship so I can't pretend to know what that kind of loss is like, as I've only gone 3 years for my record. So first of all, kudos to you for putting up with her for 4 more years then I could. A little joke and also a positive way to view your current situation.

I agree with others who say that professional help might be what you want at this time. A therapist might provide you with some deep insight into your condition and offer you techniques to overcome it.

I think this behavior is derived from the pain of the break up (duh) so when this starts to happen I might suggest that you openly talk to yourself and ask how this pain and this situation can help you develop into a better individual. If you give pain meaning, it doesn't control you, you control it. Furthermore, you make it understandable in a logical way and it's easier to get over it.

My last suggestion is one that can strengthen you and help others at the same time. Come to this site and offer you insight to those in need of help, as you offer help to others it strengthens your core, and guides your own thoughts to emotional success.

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 24, 2008, 03:36 PM

I guess I exaggerated when I said I have OCD. I don't really have OCD. While it wasn't meant as a joke, since OCD isn't funny at all, I was trying to describe what it feels like.

I can't tell her to change her passwords. Then she'll know I have been siging on and know I've been acting like a freakish stalker (which may be true).

I am really looking for advice on how I can control my urge to check up on her 5 times a day.

twinkiedooter · Aug 24, 2008, 05:40 PM

You will have to control yourself. Well, at least you are not going over to her house at night and peering into the windows at her while she is with someone. You have to get interested in something else. It is hard when someone leaves you versus you leave them. You'll just have to live your life 5 minutes at a time. This seems to be worse than trying to stop smoking. Just remember, you are hurt right now and have to get over your own hurt so that you can go on with your life. There is no magic wand I can wave over you to make you stop looking at her messages. You have to be adult enough to realize that she chose to live her life without you. And for you to accept this decision on her part.

talaniman · Aug 24, 2008, 06:03 PM

You can look for an easy way out all you want to. Unless your willing to do the work it takes, by being honest for one, all the suggestions in the world won't stop you. No shame in getting help, as your actions are obsessive, and may be illegal. Your options,
1- tell her to change her passwords, and suffer the consequenses.
2- get some help before it gets worse.
3- get busy doing something else, and putting her out of your life.
4- A combination of all three.

You need to change your behavior, or you can never move on with your life.
Most pastors, have counseling skills and that is a good option. The counsel of an older adult trusted is an option. Whatever you choose its in your own interest to do something to solve your problem.

talaniman · Aug 24, 2008, 06:05 PM

Another thing to consider. What if she knows you're a snoop, and is intentionally feeding you what she wants you to know??

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 24, 2008, 06:24 PM

Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

ou have to be adult enough to realize that she chose to live her life without you. And for you to accept this decision on her part.

This line actually made me open my eyes and think, even if it was just a little. Thanks, Twinkie.

friend4u178 · Aug 24, 2008, 09:17 PM

You'll find that whenever you find out some information you don't like it hurts , so how long are you willing to put your hands on the HOT STOVE before you realise it isn't doing you no good?

Romefalls19 · Aug 25, 2008, 05:48 AM

Stop signing on plain and simple! It's only hurting you.

If you're unable to , have e-mails sent through those sites to her requesting a password change.

chuff · Aug 25, 2008, 06:29 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Another thing to consider. What if she knows your a snoop, and is intentionally feeding you what she wants you to know?????

This is worth a second read. It's been my understanding that sometimes women are quite cruel and would actually do something like this just to stick it to a guy. If she knows you well enough, and suspects you'd do what your doing, she might also play your emotions.

busterite · Aug 26, 2008, 07:12 AM

This has become like an addiction to you. Whenever you get the urge to check up on her then try and convince yourself out of it. It is going to be very hard but at the same time it can feel really empowering knowing that you have the power to resist the temptation. I never checked her emails although I new all her passwords and usernames but I did check up on her on Facebook profile. That was destroying me. I would read her posts and messages of people on her wall and would try to connect and create a story. It gave me nightmares for days. Finally I came across some pictures of her with the other guy, that someone else had tagged her in. For about a week I could not sleep, eat or take my mind of those images. It was hell. So that was the last time I checked her Facebook. Its been 5 weeks and I am feeling much better. Sometimes its best if you don't know everything. Some things are better if they are left uncovered trust me.

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:30 PM

Good call, busterite. I had a feeling that is what it was going to take to make me stop. But, instead I told my friend tell her to change her PW's. So, no more of that. Still tough!

Ithappenstoall · Aug 27, 2008, 12:17 AM

It s funny how a lot of people in relationship acquire or through trust reveal their private passwords to their "other half". The key for you is to understand that it was a sign of closeness ans trust at that particular time and you need to be the better person and cherish it and most important control it now. I honeslty hope that you did get this info in another way or that would be a different story. I undersand the temptations as I know I have had them but now you need to control them. There is nothing to gain from this but pain, you want to get some information to try and confort yourself by doing this you think it will make you feel better but it doesn't, so why do it?

Be strong friend

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 31, 2008, 11:07 AM

So, I came to find out my ex of 7 years (we broke up 1 month ago) has already had drunk sex with another guy. I chalk it up to "because I can." My heart just tore in two, fell into my stomach, and I feel like vomiting. Should I confront her about it? Should I just say F off? A HUGE part of me wants to tell her, just so she knows I know.

Oh yeah, recently she just wants to "hang out." I broke down and did once for an hour (pathetic I am, I know) and we flirted and stuff. This was a week after she had her sex escapade.

I'm so lost in emotion right now I don't know what to do.

N0help4u · Aug 31, 2008, 11:40 AM

You "DUMP" her! Completely NO friends thing, NO contact, NO anything!
Whether you tell her or not is your option. But sounds like she has already 'dumped' you as boyfriend material and just wants to use you occasionally to avoid the hurt of an official break up.

As long as you settle for the 'hang out' flirty stuff you are going to have the temptation of falling into being the boyfriend role when she wants. She will call the shots and she will have you where she wants you. Then when she is totally ready to call it quits then you are left behind to deal with the hurt on your own.
Don't give her the satisfaction of weaning off you until she finds what she does want.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 31, 2008, 11:48 AM

You don't give dignty to her in even cursing her out, you move on, you stop talking with her, stop flirting with her and move on.

She is already a EX. so she is free to sleep around if that is what she wants to do, there is not even a reason she can't

So move on,

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 31, 2008, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You "DUMP" her! Completely NO friends thing, NO contact, NO anything!
Whether you tell her or not is your option. But sounds like she has already 'dumped' you as bf material and just wants to use you occasionally to avoid the hurt of an official break up.

As long as you settle for the 'hang out' flirty stuff you are going to have the temptation of falling into being the bf role when she wants. She will call the shots and she will have you where she wants you. Then when she is totally ready to call it quits then you are left behind to deal with the hurt on your own.
Don't give her the satisfaction of weaning off of you until she finds what she does want.

I know this is completely true, N0. My rational side knows I will NEVER look at her the same, never have any trust for her again, etc. But my heart keep trying to grapple on to ANY thread of hope that gets dangled in front of me. For instance, the reason I hung out is because I talked myself into thinking that if I hang out for awhile, we might begin dating somewhere down the road.

N0help4u · Aug 31, 2008, 12:00 PM

You write a list of things you liked so much about her and then you go and find somebody that fits the bill better than she could. Otherwise you are only setting yourself up for hurt upon hurt with her. She evidently sees you as just another guy to conquer and move on.
So don't go there with her in any way--NO Contact she doesn't deserve you --find somebody that does!