Check out some similar questions!

nattienoo · Aug 22, 2008, 04:23 PM

Hello everyone, can you help me please?

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years, we are best friends and have an amazing sex life. We don't have any secrets from one another, we make each other laugh... basically we are really happy together. Or so I thought.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered some naughty pics on his computer. To clarify, they were not pics that he'd searched for, but they're screenshots from one of those 'torrent' sites that you download movie/music from etc. You know the ones, they have 'xxx' torrents to download things like Debbie Does Dallas etc. If you go into one of these xxx torrents they will show some example shots of these 'ladies'. He looked at about 25 of these shots over a 2-3 month period, they are of various things: women with extremely large breasts, women doing things with bottles etc etc.

Our sex life is great, we are very open (me a little more so than him) to doing new things.

The things that are getting me upset are: Why now? What's changed? Why did he feel the need to do this? Have I done something wrong?

I am upset because I thought he was different and special. I feel bereaved, like the person I was with has gone. I don't feel the same about him anymore. I can't get my head around it, I don't feel the need for porn, he's all I need. I didn't think we needed it.

He can't tell me why he did it, he says it's not that he needed to, he was just curious.

I find it very hard not to take it personally. I feel that it says something about our relationship if you feel the need to look at other people.

Where do I start? I love him but I don't know how to carry on, I feel so sad. I think maybe I need therapy!

Trandy · Aug 22, 2008, 09:09 PM

Men get curious sometimes.
I can see that it would be difficult to wrap your head around something like this, but I really don't think it would be grounds for a divorce. I am sure that if the roles were reversed he'd be a bit confused as well. I'd offer the same advice... women get curious sometimes. I mean can you honestly say that you have never looked at another man with that dang... thought going through your mind?
Maybe you haven't, but I am sure there are women out there that do, and probably some friends of yours. If you do have friends that this has happened to, and they pointed it out to you, did you look? If so, how long did it last?
I'm sure that the strange human desire faded in less than a minute.
It was the same thing.
Those popups are all over the place on the internet, and it is kind of like a buddy saying heyyyy check her out!!
90% of men would look. The other 10% lie about it.
The main reason more men don't get caught up in such things is that we have all heard tales of computer viruses or other types of malware getting onto your computer from clicking on those links... sort of a "cyber" std... if you will.
The important part is that he didn't cheat on you... he wasn't chatting with someone, and exchanging pornographic images with them. He was just looking. I am sure that it faded within a few minutes... please find it in your heart to forgive him for merely being human.

Clough · Aug 22, 2008, 09:12 PM

Have you asked him the same questions that you are asking us here? If not, then I would suggest asking him them. They don't sound like they would be accusing him, but more like opening up your relationship to the type of dialogue and communication that needs to happen at this point in your relationship.

I'm sure that there will be others who will be along to address your post.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 22, 2008, 09:39 PM

All men have some curious nature, And what has really changed is your idea and opinion of the situation. Instead of working out any issues, you have already decided it has effected all parts of your life.

It may not have any effect, if he was just wondering what some of it was

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 06:26 AM

25 pictures in 3 months?? I think its just curiosity, but what is of a bigger concern is your taking it personally. Talk to him, without accusing him. If things are as great as you say, then communicating will not be a problem.

nattienoo · Aug 23, 2008, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

25 pictures in 3 months??? I think its just curiosity, but what is of a bigger concern is your taking it personally. Talk to him, without accusing him. If things are as great as you say, then communicating will not be a problem.

You're right, I know I'm probably taking it too personally, but it has still shaken my faith in 'us'.
The fact is that he hid this from me. Though on the other hand, what's he going to do, come to me first and say, 'hey darling, I'm just going to look at some pics of a woman putting a dildo in her a-hole'! I have to question myself on that one! What would I have said? Ok? Or would I have been OK with it? It's hard to be objective afterwards.

I have spoken to him about it and he is really sorry, and says he was stupid and he never should have done it. Have I pushed him too far?

happy_jester · Aug 23, 2008, 10:45 AM

"nattienoo" after being married to this man for over 10 years,it's normal to be a bit
Shaken by this.

I have spoken to him about it and he is really sorry, and says he was stupid and he never should have done it

Well done,to you,for speaking to your husband about it (and bringing it out into the open)

I'm quite sure,from what you've said in your post,that your husband has repented
Over this. :)

One word of caution:---- please make sure that you keep this in the past,so that guilt as a result of it,does not become a problem in your marriage.

hellonasty · Aug 23, 2008, 10:45 AM

I don't know.. I've looked at porn on and off since I've been of legal age.. And honestly, not one single time has it ever been because I was unsatisfied with the person I was dating at the time. I mean, pictures on a screen... or the REAL THING! Of course a couple of porno's gave me some nifty ideas...

He hid it from you because he's probably embarrassed. Pretty normal.

liz28 · Aug 23, 2008, 12:03 PM

Be happy your husband is not cheating on you, like some. Looking at photos or magazines is not harmful and guys hide them. My boyfriend has a number of playboy magazines and other that have pictures of girls in some wild sexual nude photos. I came across it helping him clean up this doesn't mean he don't love you but it's another fanstasy world. I didn' get upset because it didn't bother me. In today's world, you don't need to go out and buy magazines but can access it through the internet and for some it's more convient because some guys feel embrass to purchase these dirty magazines at the store. Just relax and don't doubt your husband love for you anymore. I think you overacted but now you calmed down after speaking with your husband. Your will overcome this, so don't worry. It's just one tiny speed bump.

N0help4u · Aug 23, 2008, 12:08 PM

Curiousity and possibly looking for something different to do with you?

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 12:18 PM

Above all don't take it personally. That would be a mistake.

Donnica · Oct 10, 2008, 07:08 PM

Men get curious. They have a weird mindset that woman sometimes don't understand. Not saying it is right for him to look at those things. But maybe he is searching for a way to enhance his sexual experiences with you. Whatever the case I'm sorry you have to hurt because of this. Talk is out...