Not sure what to do

Locks08 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:23 AM

I have been dating a married man for the past 10 months now. He's been telling a lot of stories and I did feel sorry for him I gave everything he wanted. He kept on telling me that he didn't want anybody else from his family to know about our relationship. I have been fall in love with him and committed. Im thinking of leaving him what shall I do?

kp2171 · Aug 21, 2008, 01:41 AM

Leave him.

People have to leave people they love sometimes. I've done this twice in my life... not with a married person, but a person I just couldn't be with, but loved.

So... its no fun. Its hard. But fear of being alone until you find someone who is actually committed to you isn't reason enough to be a cheater... and a person who helps a married person cheat is enabling a terrible thing.

So time to not be a victim. You get to control your own life.

You can complicate it... but loving a person doesn't mean to get to be with them... and he is not yours. He has not chosen you.

Time to back way off and not hold on hoping he will change his mind. It'll take some very drastic action, not words, for him to be available and committed to you.

Unless that happens, you are just being used, even if its in the name of love.

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 21, 2008, 04:13 AM

Leave.

You can do much better than being a side dish to someone that is lying & betraying his primary partner. If he leaves for you, all you will have someone that believes that the best way to dealing with his own or relationship issues is to be a lying cheater. Sooner or later, his issues (& your own) and/or those of the relationship are going to rear their ugly head or you two would have conflict of some sort or another as all people do. Then what? The odds are he will be telling the next one how you don't understand him & don't meet his sexual needs.

Leave him.

Locks08 · Aug 21, 2008, 05:42 AM

I am trying all my best to leave him. But, there is always somekind of thinking will come to my mind and I do feel sorry for him. He always leave his family from 3/4 days to 2 months to leave with me. What always wondering me what his wife always do...

He would always propose sex all the time and want me to stay around beside him every time we stay together and makes me think that he really loves me...

olsonknight · Aug 21, 2008, 05:52 AM

Leave him

Locks08 · Aug 21, 2008, 05:56 AM

What if he calls or send me a text message? Shall I reply or answer his call?

Synnen · Aug 21, 2008, 06:10 AM

Locks

Please do not post a question every time you want to respond to posts about your question.

At the bottom of the page there is a place where you can "answer this question". Please respond there, so that there is ONE thread with all of your questions about your situation in it, rather than multiple questions that respond to the people responding to your original question.

smoothy · Aug 21, 2008, 11:06 AM

He's married... move on, there are lots of unmarried guys. It will only end in pain if you continue.

dad5787 · Aug 21, 2008, 11:09 AM

A person that is getting what he or she wants without any obligation will just keep taking it. You need to be strong... If he really wanted to be with you, he would not keep going back to his wife.

THINK WITH YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART!!

Alty · Aug 21, 2008, 03:17 PM

You're dating a married man, this will not end well, leave now.

Choux · Aug 21, 2008, 03:35 PM

Seems like you want to be *treated like dirt* in your main relationship with a man. :(

That is what girls who date married men think they deserve out of life. Misery, drama and dirt in their faces!

Locks08 · Aug 21, 2008, 06:01 PM

I was caught in the middle everything when I started to know that he is married it was too late. I need more advise to be strong enough and leave him for good.

talaniman · Aug 21, 2008, 06:45 PM

You don't need more advice, you need some action, and a better sense of self. To give your all to someone because you feel sorry for him, is not a good excuse whatsoever. Lets cut to the real propblem, which starts with the excuse you were caught up, before you knew he was married. So instead of being suspicious, and highly PO'd, your sorry for this lying cheatin b@stard! What a sham, you perpertrate on yourself.

You don't need advice at all, just some love for yourself, and some anger, that you allowed this guy to control, and use you. Know a good counselor??? You should, as you may need some guidance in putting yourself first.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 21, 2008, 07:12 PM

No you are making excuses "it was too late" sorry pure bull, it is never too late to not answer the phone, to refuse to see him, or to pick up the phone and call his wife.

You need to get some self respect and do what is right for you.

Locks08 · Aug 21, 2008, 07:31 PM

Thank you for all these advises, I think Im getting there and start a new life. I thought I was being used but I never seek opinion and thought all over that one day he will leave his wife and settle with as he always said. But, I believe things do happen for reasons and it is a turning point for me to move on with my life and business.

kp2171 · Aug 22, 2008, 07:42 AM

You get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

You shouldn't be surprised that he keeps with pressure... its paid off. He wants a lot of sex, you give it. That would reinforce his behavior whether he was married or not. He probably did the same with his wife at one point. Perhaps he still does and you don't know it. He's going to chase until you stop giving in. what? You want him to suddenly be the "good guy" who does the right thing and backs off? Again, he wants sex and attention, and you give it. He might even have "loving" feelings for you, but he's still using you.

Look... it might have been "too late" to not develop feelings for him by the time you found out, but, OK... so you care for the man, even love him. OK. So what? I loved a single woman I was with for two years when I found she cheated and was starting up a new relationship behing my back. Her things were packed that night. Done. Over. You don't play me and get to be in my life, let alone my bed.

Yes, it sucked to leave the security of a relationship. Yeah, I was lonely for a time. I was sad. Upset. Hurt. Then I got mad. It didn't have to be like that. It shouldn't have been like that. But it was like that. So I then got pi$$ed. And at some point that got boring enough that I moved on.

Thank God I did. After leaving two women I loved, one who cheated and another who just wasn't ready for me, I found my wife. Had I settled for the security of an inferior relationship, id not be with a beautiful woman who loves me right, deeply, and honorably.

What about getting mad? Angry? You are NOT a victim here, but you were manipulated and deceived early on. You've been the convenient lay when he decides he's had enough of the family he vowed to care for. I think getting furious, including at yourself for staying on, is appropriate.

For all you know, you are just one of his "girls"

At best, this guy has some great qualities that attracted you to him, and he's a spineless liar who cheats, manipulates, and sets all those though love him up for heartbreak.

At worst, this guy has done this before, has played you like a good manipulator can, will leave you when you are too much trouble or work, or he finds a cuter, new prospect that he can run his game on.

So you want the strength to leave him?

Be mad. Angry. Resentful that he put you in this place and completely twisted what "love" is. How much anxiety do you feel? How much frustration? Guilt? Sadness? Uncertainty? These are not the things that love is built upon. You've let yourself down by staying this long, but what is done is done. Every "loving" word he uses to manipulate you should make you sick. It's a game, even if he cares for you... even if he isn't an evil player... its still a bastardization of your love and hopes and desires.

If that anger doesn't give you the strength to walk away, I don't know what will.

Locks08 · Aug 23, 2008, 04:35 AM

Many thanks for being a good advisor. It gives me new strength to go on and concerntrate on everyday business life and work.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2008, 05:25 AM

That's a great start Locke, I wish you well. You will find you deserve the best and don't have to settle.

Shadowburn · Aug 29, 2008, 06:36 AM

Leave before you have to endure more pain with him.
You've stayed too long already. 10 months is a long time to waste on a man who will never be there for you. Just cut him lose, get him out of your life completely. Don't worry about him, be selfish and take care of yourself.
Good luck!

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