[dream101]

Hello everyone,

It's my first time using this site... so please people be nice! :)

I have this great crush on this guy... (older guy) who looks great for his age... I mean GREAT! But we work for the same company... different departments/but the same company!

We started talking more and more everyday, and we both express a deep attraction for each other... but only PHYSICAL nothing more!

I know he has someone at home (Girlfriend), and it is serious! So we agreed in just keeping it FWB... ONLY! And made up some rules... example: No phone calls, no spending the night, no talking about the other person while we're together... etc
But I'm still not sure if I should go through with it! I'm really attracted to this guy... but the work situation is making it difficult! (even though we hardly see each other... and we work in different dept.) WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I also want a definition of FWB... I mean... I know the benefit he'll be getting... but what are the benefits I'll be getting?? Should I ask for anything in particular... $$$ or Gifts..?

He had the idea to just roll out after work... and check in at a hotel near by... spend couple of hrs there... and then go back to our daily lives... but I'm more use to going out and having dinner... (at least a couple of dates) before I could go through anything else... and c if there is a connection... (even if it's only sexual I need that connection to be there)!

I never went through this type of thing before! Please... any thoughts?? :o

[JudyKayTee]

Hello everyone,

It's my first time using this site...so please ppl be nice! :)

I have this great crush on this guy...(older guy) who looks great for his age...I mean GREAT! But we work for the same company...different departments/but the same company!

We started talking more and more everyday, and we both express a deep attraction for each other...but only PHYSICAL nothing more!

I know he has someone at home (Girlfriend), and it is serious! So we agreed in just keeping it FWB...ONLY! and made up some rules...example: No phone calls, no spending the night, no talking about the other person while we're together...etc
But I'm still not sure if I should go through with it! I'm really attracted to this guy...but the work situation is making it difficult! (even though we hardly see each other...and we work in different dept.) WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I also want a definition of FWB...I mean...I know the benefit he'll be getting...but what are the benefits I'll be getting??? Should I ask for anything in particular...$$$ or Gifts...????

He had the idea to just roll out after work...and check in at a hotel near by...spend couple of hrs there...and then go back to our daily lives...but I'm more use to going out and having dinner...(at least a couple of dates) before I could go through anything else...and c if there is a connection...(even if it's only sexual I need that connection to be there)!

I never went through this type of thing before! Please...any thoughts??? :o

Please don't keep posting - someone will come along.

You had my undivided interest until we got to the "what can I get" part.

Here's my thought and you're not going to like it. Sex for money and gifts is called prostitution.

He must not have a very high opinion of you and you must not have a very high opinion of yourself.

Again, figured you wouldn't like it and it's just my opinion.


EDIT: The "regulars" will remember - someone else posted this question within the last two months. HE was getting all the pleasure from having sex with her (apparently it was not terribly enjoyable for her) and she was wondering what she should ask for.

The overwhelming majority thought you should ask him what he thought sex with her was worth and then negotiate accordingly.

She either pulled or drastically modified the question but I'm sure it is possible to search out the answers.

Good news is prostitution is "only" a Class 1 Misdemeanor in Virginia.

[J_9]

Here are the benefits you will be getting

Holidays and special occasions alone
Birthdays alone
Unanswered phone calls
Sleeping in a cold lonely bed while he is in a warm bed with HER

Are you sure you want to ruin his relationship? Do you really want to be the "other woman?"

What is your company's policy about dating co-workers?

Leave the guy alone, he is already in a relationship. Find a man who can devote ALL of his time to you, so you won't have to share your time with another woman.

[J_9]

Should I ask for anything in particular...$$$ or Gifts...????

This is what prostitutes do hun. You don't want to be a kept woman do you? He would then be your Sugar Daddy.

[dream101]

All your answers are valid and make sense! Believe me or not, but asking about an exchange was not my idea to begin with! I asked a friend of mine and she gave me that advice... of course I didn't ask him anything like that!!

I'm not following the guy... he's after me... I've been trying to avoid him since 2006! It's really crazy... whenever I'm invited to a happy hour he will be there too... and I don't find out until he shows up!

I just got out of a long relationship... therefore, I'm not looking for another one anytime soon... but I don't mind one with no strings attached either! But I never went out with someone who actually had a girl/wife... etc!!

Can grown Adults have just a Sexual Relationship without any feelings attached? Or is that only in the movies?

[N0help4u]

Yep he is just a waste of your time because you will get emotionally involved with him while he doesn't see you as anything more than 'the other woman'. YOU mean nothing to him other than 'booty call'
What would you really get out of the relationship that you can't get out of a guy of your own?
Find somebody that wants to buy you blingy's and all because they love you not because you took care of their lust. You are only the side dish or the appetizer he goes home for the home cooked meal!

Either you will get tired of just being a sex object or he will get tired of worrying about cheating.
You will be hung up on him emotionally and it will be over. Then you are stuck working at the same place with a guy you are emotionally hurt by.

[JBeaucaire]

I just got out of a long relationship...therefore, I'm not looking for another one anytime soon...but I don't mind one with no strings attached either! But I never went out with someone who actually had a girl/wife...etc!!!

Can grown Adults have just a Sexual Relationship without any feelings attached? Or is that only in the movies??

Well, they can try, then when they discover they've messed up their heart by it, it's too late.

Sex without emotional attachment leads to:
1) Lack of connection between the sex act and a true bonded relationship, or
2) The emotional attachment develops on its own and your stuck attached to someone who doesn't reciprocate

Whichever of those two results occur, you're the loser.

FRIENDS W/BENEFITS is two people with a lot in common and a fully developed close friendship ALSO starting to share sexually together without feeling the need to be exclusive or committed at all. They treat sex as a natural social interaction, a recreational retreat, and think that nothing will come of it.

However, if this were to continue for any length of time, my belief is you would experience one of the two effects noted above. Lose, lose.
==========

If an attached person at work pursues you in any way, the response is simple. Wait until someone IS nearby and say loudly, "Please stop pursuing me, you are creating an uncomfortable work environment!"... and walk away.

If you're not looking for a new relationship right now, that's fine. Of course. But that doesn't mean you shelve your morals and bed someone else's man, does it?

I don't recommend FWB, I don't recommend dating coworkers. Individually they are horrible ideas, together... well you know how bad this can be.

You can come up with a better hobby, or find an available FWB that's not a coworker.

[JudyKayTee]

All ur answers are valid and make sense! Believe me or not, but asking about an exchange was not my idea to begin with! I asked a friend of mine and she gave me that advice...of course I didn't ask him anything like that!!!

I'm not following the guy...he's after me...I've been trying to avoid him since 2006! It's really crazy...whenever I'm invited to a happy hour he will be there too...and I don't find out until he shows up!

I just got out of a long relationship...therefore, I'm not looking for another one anytime soon...but I don't mind one with no strings attached either! But I never went out with someone who actually had a girl/wife...etc!!!

Can grown Adults have just a Sexual Relationship without any feelings attached? Or is that only in the movies??

I didn't think you asked HIM if you should charge for sex - I realized you asked US if you should charge.

If you work together and he's being this persistent and you are most definitely not interested I would either tell him straight out to leave me alone OR tell him you will report him for sexual harassment - which someone has already suggested.

But you are thinking about it so you must be interested on some level.

I suspect you are somehow interested and/or encouraging him if the conversation has gone so far as to the preliminary planning. If you were not interested he would have been embarrassed by your response and gone slinking off. I don't know how someone who is being harassed has the "this is how we'll get together" conversation against her will and then posts it on a board.

And I think I'd find a new friend if this is the advice the current friend gives -

[Fr_Chuck]

I though people had affairs for mutal enjoying the sex,

[N0help4u]

Definitely can't get him for harassing if you have encouraged him rather than told him NO in so many words. It would simply look like consensual gone bad -he said/she said.

[cece21]

I think you should just leave him alone and find someone that will give you all of there attention and you can actually stay the night with him. You don't need to be messing with someone that is already in a relationship, that just looks bad on you, so I think you should definitely leave him alone, and if he persists just tell him to screw off and leave you alone and that you are not going to be "the other woman" good luck

[talaniman]

If you want to be paid with misery and pain, go for it. Otherwise charge by the hour, and buy your own dinner.

[dream101]

I didn't think you asked HIM if you should charge for sex - I realized you asked US if you should charge.

If you work together and he's being this persistent and you are most definitely not interested I would either tell him straight out to leave me alone OR tell him you will report him for sexual harassment - which someone has already suggested.

But you are thinking about it so you must be interested on some level.

I suspect you are somehow interested and/or encouraging him if the conversation has gone so far as to the preliminary planning. If you were not interested he would have been embarrassed by your response and gone slinking off. I don't know how someone who is being harassed has the "this is how we'll get together" conversation against her will and then posts it on a board.

And I think I'd find a new friend if this is the advice the current friend gives -

You're right I became somewhat interested in the idea... and to be honest I did think of it more than once... but my common sense kicked in and I realized that it's not a great idea!
I think you also misunderstood the earlier comment... and you made me look like a prostitute... which I am not at all... so far far far from it! My friend's advice was, "you should maybe go out with him...and since he will be getting the benefits from u...than u should ask him for material stuff....(shopping..ect)."

I'm not saying that's logical or ethical... but that's how she handles her affairs.. Again, I have been away from the dating world for a long time... so I am not sure how to approach this situation... that's why I was seeking other advices from different people!

I really didn't appreciate the comparison to a prostitute, but I guess I can't be mad at you... you don't know me... and my posting was not as clear as I wanted it to be! :confused:

Thanks everyone for your comments, they really helped!

[N0help4u]

"you should maybe go out with him...and since he will be getting the benefits from u...than u should ask him for material stuff....(shopping..ect)."

You can call something any thing you wish but it still comes down to technically just that.

[dream101]

You can call something any thing you wish but it still comes down to technically just that.

TRUE!

[BetrayalBtCamp]

If that is the advice you're getting from that friend because that is how she handles her affairs, you definitely need to spend some time finding GOOD friends. That doesn't include lying cheaters who want some free nookie or materialistic women who think exchanging goods for sex in their affairs hobby is any less prostitution than taking cash. If she truly was a good friend to you, you'd be getting the same advice from her that we are trying to give you. Getting you sucked up into her golddigging hobby so she can keep convincing herself that what is wrong is right & ruin your life as hers is going to be if it isn't already.

Besides, he's not going to want to go shopping with you any more than he wants to waste time at a dinner with you, at best you'd get cash if you insisted. And if he wanted to pay for a pro, he'd be spending his time with one of them not you. He thinks he can get some free, no strings sex with you & that's all he will give you.

Please think about the fact that we have no agenda here & these "friends" of yours do but it is not one that can possibly benefit you short or long term.

As far as dealing with the jerk at work, let him know you aren't interested & have nothing more to say to him, period. If that doesn't stop him talking to you, then say that if he persists you'll be calling his girlfriend so she knows what a creep she's involved with & doesn't waste anymore of her time either. I'd bet this isn't the first time he's cheated on her & it won't be the last, so if she looks she'll likely find the evidence even if she doesn't believe you.

Don't threaten him with HR because you led him on but just make it clear you're done with this game & act that way. Ignore him, don't return emails, hang up if he calls. He'll find another victim soon enough & leave you alone if you are not wishywashy about wanting him to leave you alone.

It's obvious you are especially vulnerable coming out of a long term relationship that didn't end well & you need to get people in your life that really care enough about your wellbeing to let you know when you are heading in the wrong direction. This deal with that guy is a dead end & you don't want to end up just another of his roadkill.

[dream101]

If that is the advice you're getting from that friend because that is how she handles her affairs, you definitely need to spend some time finding GOOD friends. That doesn't include lying cheaters who want some free nookie or materialistic women who think exchanging goods for sex in their affairs hobby is any less prostitution than taking cash. If she truly was a good friend to you, you'd be getting the same advice from her that we are trying to give you. Getting you sucked up into her golddigging hobby so she can keep convincing herself that what is wrong is right & ruin your life as hers is going to be if it isn't already.

Besides, he's not going to want to go shopping with you any more than he wants to waste time at a dinner with you, at best you'd get cash if you insisted. And if he wanted to pay for a pro, he'd be spending his time with one of them not you. He thinks he can get some free, no strings sex with you & that's all he will give you.

Please think about the fact that we have no agenda here & these "friends" of yours do but it is not one that can possibly benefit you short or long term.

As far as dealing with the jerk at work, let him know you aren't interested & have nothing more to say to him, period. If that doesn't stop him talking to you, then say that if he persists you'll be calling his gf so she knows what a creep she's involved with & doesn't waste anymore of her time either. I'd bet this isn't the first time he's cheated on her & it won't be the last, so if she looks she'll likely find the evidence even if she doesn't believe you.

Don't threaten him with HR because you led him on but just make it clear you're done with this game & act that way. Ignore him, don't return emails, hang up if he calls. He'll find another victim soon enough & leave you alone if you are not wishywashy about wanting him to leave you alone.

It's obvious you are especially vulnerable coming out of a long term relationship that didn't end well & you need to get people in your life that really care enough about your wellbeing to let you know when you are heading in the wrong direction. This deal with that guy is a dead end & you don't want to end up just another of his roadkill.

I completely agree with everything that you've said... and obviously I didn't agree with my friends' advice that is why I was seeking other people's opinions! I am not a gold digger... if I was I would've stayed with my ex... and put up with all of his abuse because of $$$. Or I could've done exactly what my friend said... and made it my hobby! But I am a well educated woman who is just trying to get back into the game... and hopefully find someone who is right for me... and loves being with me! However, it is easier said than done! This guy is not the RIGHT one either! :(

I know I kind of led him on... because I really liked the attention he was giving me, and I felt sexy and attractive again! Since, most of my activities for the past few years involves playing in the park, going to the pool and play dates! Not complaining... I love every moment with my child... but I really need to re-organise my schedule and make some time for me, and hang out with GOOD friends!! One think that doesn't help, most of my GOOD friends are married... and I'm the only DIVORCED woman in the team!! It really sucks! :(

I will take your advice and execute it! After reading most of these postings... it was a real EYE opener... and I got great advice from all of you!

Thank you so very much... :)

[JudyKayTee]

I think you also misunderstood the earlier comment...and you made me look like a prostitute...which I am not at all....so far far far from it! My friend's advice was, "you should maybe go out with him...and since he will be getting the benefits from u...than u should ask him for material stuff....(shopping..ect)."!

Maybe you can clarify the difference between getting paid for sex and asking for gifts and money for sex -

And I have no idea why you think having sex with you is such a big benefit to him that he will pay you. He sounds like a cheater to me. Sure you're not the first nor the last.

But it's good, I guess, to know you have such a healthy ego that you think he will give you money and gifts for sex.

Ask him - you may be in for a very brutal shock.

[dream101]

Maybe you can clarify the difference between getting paid for sex and asking for gifts and money for sex -

And I have no idea why you think having sex with you is such a big benefit to him that he will pay you. He sounds like a cheater to me. Sure you're not the first nor the last.

But it's good, I guess, to know you have such a healthy ego that you think he will give you money and gifts for sex.

Ask him - you may be in for a very brutal shock.

You know what JUDYKAYTEE... Thank you so much for your sarcastic comments... but I don't need them anymore... I received great advice from other people! And obviously you are just choosing that portion of my posts to comment about!! You are not reading the entire thing... and at this point I can careless what you think or what you write!

You are right my ego is probably not as healthy as it was before... but again if you'd read my entire comment... and seen the bigger picture you would've tried to give a nicer advice and understand that I've decided to place this post in order to seek advice for other experienced people... not to be humiliated by YOU or anyone else!

Again, think whatever you want to think... you don't know me! So please stop with your rude & sarcastic comments! I will stop answering yours as well!

[JudyKayTee]

You know what JUDYKAYTEE...Thank you so much for your sarcastic comments...but I don't need them anymore...I received great advice from other ppl! And obviously you are just choosing that portion of my posts to comment about!!!! You are not reading the entire thing...and at this point I can careless what you think or what you write!

You are right my ego is probably not as healthy as it was before...but again if you'd read my entire comment...and seen the bigger picture you would've tried to give a nicer advice and understand that I've decided to place this post in order to seek advice for other experienced ppl...not to be humiliated by YOU or anyone else!

Again, think whatever you want to think...you don't know me! So please stop with your rude & sarcastic comments! I will stop answering yours as well!

I have one more bit of advice - I trust you aren't writing this on an office computer. I continue to be amazed by what I am called in to look at on office computers and "innocent" people get hurt.