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BrewCrew0981 · Aug 19, 2008, 03:15 PM

Entire story merged

Hey, guys. This is my friend post here, but I have been reading topics and help for over two weeks. I guess I'm just looking for support, and all of you seem very helpful and supportive. Here is my short story:

Dated a girl for 7 years, lived together for the last 3. We started dating when she was 19, and I was 21. On August 4th (two weeks ago), she decided she needed her independence. She also couldn't take that I'm not as social as she is. She goes out drinking with friends just about every Fri/Sat. night. This didn't bother me at all because she is who she is. This did bother her, however, since it was not the "norm" to not go out with your g/f all the time.

Anyway, I did the whole begging and pleading thing for almost 2 weeks straight. Trying to do anything and everything to get her back. I was/am obsessive. Checking my phone every 3 minutes, refreshing my email every 5. We still talked BS, and a little about our relationship via AIM until yesterday.

Today, I came across a lot of topics on here about the No Contact Rule. I've decided to go through with it. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping it will make her realize what she is missing, because I did treat her like a princess. But, I know in my rational side, I need to do that for my own peace of mind.

I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

Sorry for the long rant, but I'm just looking for some advice, from perhaps some other NC survivors, and how they got through what is sure to be the hardest days of my life, upcoming. Thanks!

Ash123 · Aug 19, 2008, 03:16 PM

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

Hang in there!!

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 19, 2008, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I liked the evaluate one, that opened my eyes a little. However, the first one just seems of ways to scheme to get back your ex. That didn't seem productive. But, that's just my opinion.

FULLofRACQUET · Aug 19, 2008, 04:03 PM

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the Facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of Facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! All the way!

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 19, 2008, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by FULLofRACQUET

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! all the way!

I am a Brewers fan, and I'll see you at Miller Park on Friday! :) I had already deleted her off my phone, but thanks for the advice. It's still tough though because I know all her numbers by heart, since it's been 7 years. : /

I actually did delete her off FaceBook (I don't have myspace). I disagree with the childish part. It's what I felt was necessary to help get over her. I didn't think it was any good to see how great her life was, or god forbid she enters into a new relationship soon. That would just bring me crashing down all together. I knew if I didn't delete her off FB and AIM, I would be obsessing, constantly. But that's just me. I hope everything works out for you bro, as we both know it's tough.

FULLofRACQUET · Aug 19, 2008, 04:23 PM

That is rough knowing her number, but if you find yourself reaching for that phone, call one of your friends instead, or a relative. I started calling friends that I lost touch with and catching up with them. This has helped, because it is also helping me discover the person I use to be, before she entered into my life and things started to change.
The Facebook deletion is a good idea, but I don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.

Feel free to message me whenever.

Jiser · Aug 19, 2008, 04:43 PM

It takes time, keeping busy and perseverance!

Mr-Blank · Aug 19, 2008, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by FULLofRACQUET

The facebook deletion is a good idea, but i don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.

I too didn't want to delete the ex from my Facebook but I did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex I didn't want to know.

I found with my previous girlfriend I was putting things on Facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, I was being a fake. So this time, I figure out a way in Facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So I blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, that's all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you won't see anything about her if you don't look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 19, 2008, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by Mr-Blank

I too didnt want to delete the ex from my facebook but i did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex i didnt want to know.

I found with my previous gf i was putting things on facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, i was being a fake. So this time, i figure out a way in facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So i blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, thats all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you wont see anything about her if you dont look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!!

While I'm glad if this has worked for you, I have decided this is only hurtful to ones self. We shouldn't care what our former significant other thinks. Like you stated, you WANT her to see how awesome you are doing. Which, is some form of ulterior motive. Whether you want to make her jealous, idolize you to want you back, what have you. That's not really what NC is all about, in my opinion.

Mr-Blank · Aug 19, 2008, 08:44 PM

No you missed it - I said I was doing that with my PREVIOUS ex girlfriend... my ex ex girlfriend. I realised that I was being a fake and it wasn't helping, so with my latest ex, I decided I wouldn't do that.

So this time, to make sure I don't do that, I've blocked my ex from being able to see anything new on my profile - she can still see the picture of me and the movie star which she'd already seen when we were together - but she can't see anything else at all - no events I plan to attend, no pictures of me that have been tagged, no wall, nothing.

busterite · Aug 20, 2008, 03:58 AM

I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

I agree that it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life as well. But at least you are starting to accept it and are not still living in denial. You have definitely started moving in the right direction.

I broke up with my girlfirend of 3yrs almost 2 months ago and for me this is the 5th week of NC and I am not going to lie this has been the hardest time I have gone through my life so far but it is getting better. I still have my ups and downs and I have feeling that this will go on for a while. It is something you have to accept and take it one day at a time.

You can read my post here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html

My case is slightly different in the sense that she is already going out with another guy (in fact this was going on before I asked her to break up) and after seeing some pictures on Facebook (she hadn't posted them but a friend of hers did) of her and her new boyfriend that gave me sleepless nights for a week I decided to not check Facebook again. So if you can't resist the urge of checking up on her profile then you did good to remove her. I found out that it can be very empowering resisting the urge to check up so I haven't removed her.

You have done really well telling her you want no contact although at some point, I don't know how soon that will be she will try to contact you. Im not saying she will definitely have regretted and want to get back with you, Im just saying that she will want to confirm that she is still wanted. Don't fall for that because that is when you will be the most vulnerable. If she really wants to be back with you then she will really have to prove it with actions and not just words. In my case she is still trying to contact me even after 2 months but I leave her calls and messages unanswered. And this because I learnt from my mistake of answering her calls for 2 weeks after we broke up and helping her out with some trouble she was having. That really set me back though and realised that she was using certain circumstances as an excuse to come back and make sure I would still do anything for her so I decided to start caring more about myself.

So this is going to be a rough time for you but you will make it. Just try and accept that you will get your ups and downs but don't analyse that too much and don't beat yoursefl down because of that. The best way is to stay busy with friends, job, hobby or whatever takes your mind off it.

Romefalls19 · Aug 20, 2008, 04:56 AM

Sorry for your loss, but I am glad to hear you are going to pursue the NC path. I did it when my ex broke up with me(check out my original posts) and it gave my mind incredible stability as I wasn't ripping my hair out trying to over analyze her every word she said to me. Stay Strong!

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 20, 2008, 02:51 PM

Day one just about complete. I actually feel all right, surprisingly. I feel unusually, empowered. I keep telling myself over and over and over, "No one can hurt me right now, but me." So, there is no reason to obsess or stalk, or any of that nonsense, and just enjoy myself.

Ithappenstoall · Aug 21, 2008, 12:51 AM

Great attitude, keep at it and remember that you are not the only one that went through this or is going through this. It helps when you realize that people have been there and are now far better of. I know it helped me and every now a then if you have that feeling I would suggest coming up here and just letting it out, that really helps.

Ash123 · Aug 21, 2008, 06:38 AM

Your emotions will change from day to day... but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 21, 2008, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Your emotions will change from day to day ....but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

You can say that again, Ash. It's now day two, and I feel back at square one, three weeks ago (she cut it off on the 4th, I moved out on the 13th, and we stopped talking starting the 20th). Emotional at the drop of a hat. I feel lonely, desperation, and it takes everything I have not to email, call, text, spy on her Facebook, etc. And yesterday, I actually felt semi-okay!

Ash123 · Aug 21, 2008, 10:09 AM

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 21, 2008, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

I hear you, Ash. 90 days seems like forever and a day away. 6 months and a year seems like a lifetime away. No one on here said it was going to be easy. But, it does make me feel better getting advice here, and hearing others are going through the same bs I am going through.

busterite · Aug 21, 2008, 10:44 AM

This is only day two so it is perfectly normal to be feeling like this. This will only get better for sure. I am on the 5th week of NC and I promise that it is nothing like those first days. I still have my ups and downs but overall it feels much better than those rollercoaster feelings of the first days. So stick with NC and try and keep yourself busy with other things and keep the positive thinking going on because you are definitely right that no one can hurt you know but yourself.

BrewCrew0981 · Aug 21, 2008, 04:30 PM

Thanks for the advice. How hard was it for the first 5 weeks? I know it'll be tough, but I'm just curious what I'm in for.